Attached?!

Have you ever wondered why your relationships are the way they are and why you experience love the way you do? For years, it has been a question on my mind that feels like an endless dating pool that doesn't seem to pan out. Was I looking for love in the wrong places?

Growing up, most of my relationships with the opposite sex have been co-dependent, destructive, manipulative, and just painful. Even my connection to my job that I left years ago was like having an abusive boyfriend that I went out with for nine years.

Time after time again, dating emotionally unavailable men, who struggled to commit, as I grasped on like a lioness to her prey only to cause them to distance themselves even further and further away. Self-doubt, unworthiness, abandonment, shame, and guilt creeping in, what am I doing wrong?

It wasn't until I began the healing journey that I realized that I had a role to play in attracting this chaos in my life and partnerships, known as love addiction with an anxious attachment style. I've learned this from doing my inner self-love and investigating. Having ups and downs, failing many times, and teaching me life-changing lessons.

This year, I was able to come to a concrete conclusion of my behavioral patterns after reading a book entitled, Attached, written by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A. Part of me wishes I found the book sooner. Then again, life is a journey, not a destination.

Leading up to the book, during my time in quarantine, I joined an online self-development mastermind class. I have always been one for learning, listening, and reading anything that can expand your mind.

During one of our zoom calls, my mentor spoke about attachment styles and an online quiz you can take to figure out yours. I jotted it down in my notes, putting it on my list of things to do. I left it alone, for the time being, not realizing this would come back full circle into my life.

Currently, I was in a relationship that was going nowhere. I was once again playing the mother role and feeling that I needed to fix and rescue him in some way to prove my worthiness.

After trial and error, a little energetic release, healing from breathwork, and mentorship, I realized that I was trying to fix something in him that I thought I needed to fix in myself. Clarity sets in; I'm not broken, which means I don't need fixing, and I don't need to fix him either.

This new knowledge blew my mind, and a new potential partner showed up quicker than the speed of light. What's different this time? Well, firstly, in changing my perspective, I'm showing up differently, which allows my partner also to show up differently.

One evening we were getting ready to head out for dinner, and there it was, the book Attached. Curious, I asked if I could borrow it to read since the attachment quiz was still on my list of things to do. I felt as if the universe was sending me a clear message as this book magically fell into my lap from a partner that has been showing up differently from anyone else I have ever dated.

I couldn't wait to get home to start diving into it, and what an eye-opener this has been for me. I finally got an understanding of my patterns in relationships. I felt as if the book was reading to me personally, describing my past from a whole new, clearly understandable viewpoint.

I learned that I was operating with an anxious attachment style for most of my life and attracted the complete opposite, the avoidant attachment style. The avoidant likes to keep love at arm's length, minimize closeness, and equate intimacy with a loss of independence.

As for my attachment style, anxious attachment, I tried to prove my worth by chasing care, affection, and attention to those who were unable to provide, preoccupied with the relationship that they couldn't love me back. Time and time again, this vicious cycle would appear, leaving me to feel even more abandoned, craving it even more.

Most of our attachment styles stem from childhood and unmet needs that play out in our adult lives. When I was young, my household required me to grow up quickly. I was the oldest of five and took on the role of my mother, who had to work to support us as kids. The lack of support (not to blame my mother, she did the best she could) led to conditioning in my adult life that I had to work hard for and love and acceptance, not knowing it was freely available.

Neither attachment style is wrong or right; it's just how we conditioned ourselves from our upbringing, and at any time, we are capable of changing our attachment style through awareness and practice. Which now brings me to make mention of the last attachment style, the secure attachment. Secure attachments are those who feel comfortable with intimacy and come from a warm and loving place.

Finally, able to take that attachment style quiz, handy little tool in the book, and happy to say I've stepped into becoming a secure attachment style. Not to say that I have entirely shifted, certain feelings, such as abandonment, can be triggered, the difference this time, the book has guided me to become aware of it.

During my triggers, my anxious attachment system gets activated, and I ask myself, is it true what I'm feeling, and time and time again, I have been proven wrong. It's hard to change completely when you have had ingrained conditioning to wound attachment for so long.

My current relationship now, reasonably new, is teaching me that it is ok to step into being more in the secure attachment style. My partner is entirely supportive, and it's beautiful for once to not have to play the mother role and allow someone to take care of me.

What is the connection, and how it evolves, we will see? I'm still learning how to stay present, have no expectations, be patient, and not rush, build a strong, loving foundation first, and accept the unknown.

With all of these new possibilities, it brings me a sense of freedom and has allowed me to stay focused on myself, my work, and my career. Which otherwise, as an anxious attachment, I would be obsessing over the relationship and not able to focus.

The book has been my guiding light and holy grail. It has taught me so much about my past relationship and how I shifted, a real game-changer. Even though mostly toxic, I will forever be thankful for my previous relationships; it taught me what it is that I don't want and what it is that I do want and deserve.

The number one relationship starts with yourself, and from there, you can attract differently. When you find a higher caliber love within yourself – make that your anchor – a place that you can always come back to when you feel alone. And if you haven't found that, continue to let go of any fear, shame, and guilt and know that doesn't define you.

Realize the infinite space where the real you can exist, abundant in love, have faith, and never give up. Know that old patterns, stories, and attachment styles we tell ourselves, once recognized, can be changed with love, patience, and practice.

I look forward to being in this new space to expand my horizons and see what unfolds. When my old anxious attachment style comes up, I will allow myself to feel and recondition myself to release and let go. This world we live in really is a lifelong journey.