All For Love - A Letter to My Fellow Musketeers

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Author's Note: The above song's importance will reveal itself quickly in the following narrative. In the meantime, please enjoy one of the greatest collaborations the music industry has ever seen... My favorite song, sung by three of the greatest musicians of all time. (Hint: the actual SONG starts at a MINUTE in...)

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Sixteen years ago, almost to the day, my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I remember everything about the moment that she received the phone call that confirmed my most horrible fears. I remember knowing what the doctor had said before she'd hung up the phone, and I remember that she needed not say the words as she, my older sister, and I have always shared an almost psychic ability to read one another's faces and thoughts. I remember the exact spot we stood in, the amount of daylight that still shone outside, and the strength of the hug that she drew my sister and I into.

What I do not remember is the day-to-day and week-to-week events of the following year. I've spent my life with an almost perfect memory - especially for the most painful events in my life, but something strange happened in that moment when my worst fears came to life, and for all of the horrible and fearful moments that followed that phone call, my mind checked out and left me with nothing but a year-long haze of fear and regret.

My older sister stepped up to a level that I did not expect from her. She was there with my mother every step of the way - every procedure, every appointment, every moment of agony that my mother experienced. My sister sat with her like a pillar of strength, fighting the battle beside my mother and for her when she was too weak to keep fighting on her own.

I, on the other hand, spent the entire year in a haze of fear and anxiety, leaving me with little more than the occasional fuzzy memory and a regret and shame so deep that I have spent the last almost two decades wishing that I could go back and do better - be better. Well, to my absolute horror, I now understand in the deepest sense the meaning of the words, "be careful what you wish for."

Not two weeks ago, I was sitting in the living room of the house that I share with my mother and sister, and the past suddenly merged with the present when my mother once again received a phone call that set my world spinning into an all-too familiar oblivion. Like sixteen years before, the three of us exchanged knowing glances before my mother even answered the phone, and I felt strongly the same feelings that I had felt on that day so many years ago.

I felt the familiar fuzziness cloud my mind as my skin flushed and a tingling sensation began radiating downward until my legs became too weak to hold me, and all that I could think was, "No God No! Please not again!"

But irony, cruel master that he is, has decided to teach me this lesson in the most poignant of ways. This time around, when my mother is getting treatment and arguing with the doctors, I will be with her. I will be right there alongside her, arguing with her, but I won't be doing this only because I have vowed that this time, I will be there for her in every way. No, I will be there because this time, I also will be receiving that treatment and fighting for my own life.

Already, that old instinct to check out and allow the haze to take over has been trying to take ahold of me. But I cannot - I will not - allow myself to give into the haze this time around. Not only because it now also means my own life, but because I will not leave my mother and sister to fight their battle alone.

We three have always been the Three Musketeers - facing the world together and standing strong together. But that year, I abandoned my Musketeer sisters. I will not do this again.

To these two women who have always stood up for me and for each other and have always been my pillars of strength and guidance, there is simply too much to say. Though we three have always been Musketeers, you two have always been the better, and without you, I would be nothing.

To my amazing big sister,

You always had to pave the way, no matter where we were or when it was, you held my hand and led me to safety. You have driven me mad with fury in only the way a big sister can. But you have always guided me and loved me and inspired me also in the way that only a big sister can.

You have always had a relationship with our amazing mother that I have envied - you've been there longer, been through more. But you've also been there for her in ways I wish I'd had the strength for.

I know that it wore you out the last time. I know it altered you in ways you probably are still coming to terms with. You were there for every appointment and every tear. For every moment that I simply could not face, you never gave yourself the out. You stood up, and you stood tall. You cared for her in a way I wish I could claim I had.

Shame on me for leaving you alone in those moments, but I did try. I didn't have your strength. I didn't have your courage. I pray I do now. I will do my best to be here. To be present and not check out once more.

Goodness knows it's already pulling at me, though. But I won't give in. And when you've had your fill, when you've reached your limit, and you feel like checking out... that's where I will shine. That's when I will step up.

I will also try my best to fight for myself the way that mom has always taught us to. She fights so fiercely for herself and for us... We have learned so much from her, and we continue to each day. I will follow her lead, and I will not give up. We will be here for you each day, and we will fight this battle so that you are not left alone without your fellow Musketeers.

One for all, and all for one.

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To my amazingly strong mother,

There are no words that can erase the shame that I feel for the way I was before. I suppose if anyone knows me well enough to understand, though, it is you. I pray you weren't too disappointed. Didn't you raise me better - stronger? You did. I swear you did! But you were still always stronger. You were still always better. How could I ever measure up to your strength? How could anyone?

I pride myself on my strength in the face of all the wrong and pain that life has thrown at me, but for every bitter and terrible moment, I had you. What and who did you have? You made me who I am. But who made you who you are? You. Only You.

You're the strongest and best person I've known. It's not just that you're my mother. It's so true. Dear me! How you frustrate me sometimes! But you're always right in the end. How do you do that? With everyone but you, I'm always right, too. But never with you. And everything I know, I've learned from you.

So, you see... I couldn't face the world without you in it. I couldn't see the world that existed without you. I still don't. Still can't. But I will rise to the occasion. You deserve so much more than a daughter who will check out when you need comfort the most.

You spent so long alone and afraid, powering through on your own. You paved the way for yourself, without friend or companion. With no guidance or direction, you still became the fierce and proud and oh, so wonderful woman you are. So, I will not let you be alone anymore. I will not let you face this monster the way you faced your youth.

You gave me everything you did not have, and I will give you everything I do have. My fierce mama bear. I still get weak kneed and dizzy at the thought of going through this with you. And I know that in the end, it will be you who supports me the most. But I will support you, too. I swear this much to you.

And I will do my best to imitate your strength, your courage, and your wisdom as I fight this monster with you. I get so scared when I think what this could mean, but I know that if I just follow you, I can be victorious, too!

Together, like always, we will fight through to the end. We will be the Musketeers we've always been.

One for all, and all for one.

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To my fellow Musketeers,

No matter what these weeks, months, and years bring us, we will face them down the same way we've faced the last. For every moment of weakness I have, I will grant you each one as well. For every tear I shed, let me wipe a tear for you. And for every embrace that we three share, we will gain strength to fight anew. In every moment in the past that we have fought and won, we will fight and win these ones as well.

We are the Three Musketeers, and you know they always win in the end. We are the strongest, fiercest, and best there ever was or will be again. Nothing this cruel and crazy world has thrown at us til now has broken through this shield that we three share.

As long as we've been we three, it's been all for one, and one for all. From here on until forever, it will remain this way...

And to you both I dedicate this song... more than anyone else, you will know what depths it means to me... and I to you.

One for all, and all for one.

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