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All About Love

Remembering bell hooks

By chembarathiPublished 2 years ago 5 min read
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It's been almost a month since bell hooks left this world. For the cynic inside me, it is much easier to accept the lovelessness in this world than coming to terms with the loss of bell hooks. She came to me at a time when I thought that nothing could melt my frozen heart. But against the coldness of all my prejudices and cynicism, her wise words about love slowly warmed me up. 

"The principles of love are always the same in any meaningful bond. To love well is the task in all meaningful relationships, not just romantic bonds."

We often equate love with romantic love. We forget that it is just one part of our life and not the heart of life. In a lifetime, we forge many relationships. If we could bring our whole selves to each of these relationships, despite our differences, we will see a revolution. Hooks believed in this and so do I.

"Love is as love does. Love is an act of will -- namely both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."

Most of us lack clarity on what love means to us. We do not have a shared definition of love. Hooks start from there -- Gaining clarity on what love means is the first step in the process of knowing love.

I have been fortunate to have a mentor in my early twenties who gave me The Road Less Traveled by Scott.M.Peck . She asked me to read the section on love even if I don't read anything else. Though I didn't realize it at that time, the book has rewired my thinking about love. It took me a failed relationship to understand that most of the conflicts in a relationship come from our different definitions of love. For the majority of us, love is a feeling. It comes and goes. For the remaining others, it is a choice. We choose to love rather than letting ourselves fall into a roller coaster ride of emotions. Peck's definition of "Love is as love does" has somehow stuck with me and this is the same definition hooks also ask us to embrace.

"Love is as love does, and it is our responsibility to give children love. When we love children we acknowledge by our every action that they are not property, that they have rights -- that we respect and uphold their rights. Without justice, there can be no love."

Whether we like it or not, everyone has some trauma associated with childhood. The words "abuse" and "dysfunctional" might bring violent images to our minds. But what we often fail to understand is that there are subtle ways in which a family can be dysfunctional or abusive. Home is the place where we first learn about love and if we don't have the right role models during that formative years, it often scars us for life. Those "dysfunctions" manifest in every one of the relationships we create outside of our home. The important thing to remember is that we don't love anyone just because they are related to us by blood. We always choose to love.

We live in the age of left/right swiping in seconds without having any insight into the person they are. I am not saying this in a preachy way. I am also guilty of doing the same. We aspire to live in an instagrammable reality rather than choosing to embrace the mundanity of our everyday relationships. Honesty and commitment are two virtues we don't seem to understand. When there is always another option lurking in the background, why should we get stuck with someone, we ask. And the cycle continues.

"The wounded child inside many males is a boy who, when he first spoke his truths, was silenced by paternal sadism, by a patriarchal world that did not want him to claim his true feelings. The wounded child inside many females is a girl who was taught from early childhood on that she must become something other than herself, deny her true feelings, in order to attract and please others."

As a woman, it is easier for me to talk about love and longing. That's the role that patriarchy had defined for women. At the same time, men are asked to hide their true feelings. In this way, we punish each other and reaffirm that lies are better than having an honest and committed relationship.

"Greed subsumes love and compassion; living simply makes room for them. Living simply is the primary way everyone can resist greed every day."

All the material goods are one click away for most of us. We spent our money on things that are unnecessary as a means of escape from our frightening inner thoughts. We are always reminded by the world that one can never have enough money and we are in constant pursuit of making more money. It is difficult to admit that we have enough to take care of our needs and prioritise the activities that bring joy to us. Hooks remind us that it is essential to cultivate an abundance mindset and help the communities that need our help. I come from a lower-middle-class family and it was difficult for me to give away my salary as a donation because I was always thinking from a scarcity mindset. I overcame that mental block two years ago and it is one of the best decisions I have taken in this lifetime.

I have read this book three times and each time it shined the light on a different hurt and I am still a work in progress. In one of her interviews, she mentioned that she was like a madwoman who only talks about love. In an utterly brutal world, how many of us can keep our hearts opened for love like that. That's the real question. I wish bell hooks had more time in this world. But I know that her wisdom will stay with us through her books and maybe some of us will be able to open our hearts to love.

"I try to leave folks as though we might never be meeting again. This practice makes us change how we talk and interact. It is a way to live consciously."

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About the Creator

chembarathi

In search of the stories I cannot hold in my heart.

https://linktr.ee/chembarathi

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