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A Moment in My Life

Talking to myself

By Adam Blankenship Published 5 years ago 14 min read
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It’s Sunday and I’m sitting alone in my apartment. Tears roll down, staining my checks with the burden of all the emotions you have made me feel.

I look over picturing you next to me. I imagine staring into your eyes and seeing everything that makes up the beauty that you are. I see you and can feel our souls wanting to intertwine.

I choke on the words as I try and spit them out.

The taste of all my emotions makes it harder to breathe.

Aloud as if you were really there. I speak softly so that you know nothing is being said in anger.

I was angry. I was upset. And I wanted to hate you. I cursed at you. I dwelled on all the painful things and feelings you ever made me feel. For a year I sat there in my own personal hell that part of me was so willing to create. I buried my soul trying to bury you so that I no longer wanted you or to love you.

I was miserable. It’s where I wanted to be cause anything was better then feeling the emptiness I was feeling. Anything was better than facing the fact that I wasn’t able to keep you. That I wasn’t good enough. That I had not only failed as a partner but as a parent and man.

It didn’t take long until my soul was consumed by the darkness. It fought to breathe. To shine once again. It longed for freedom. And I just buried it deeper. I exiled it from my being. All while trying to exile you from my memory.

When I could no longer keep the emotions and the love for you buried. I would crumble and crack and eventually fall into the waters of sorrow as everything came flooding back in all in one moment. My soul would be able to breathe. And soon I felt all the emotions that the thought of you came with when we are apart. The longing and the wanting to have you in my arms and next to me. For me to be next to you.

I was so overwhelmed for such a long time. And confused with all the ways that you were either wanting nothing to do with me or wanting me to hold you close again. That one day I snapped I literally gave up. I was so hurt and the hurt turned into bitterness which was at constant war with my soul. My heart and soul waged war against each other over you. Over what I should feel and if I should love you or destroy any part of me that holds your close and with that love.

I spent some nights trying to die. And I spent some trying to live. I hit rock bottom and then redefined the entire meaning.

When you came and saw me I wasn’t the person you had talked to a few weeks before the one that you would stay up all night and talk to. I was hurt and mad at you and for pulling away. I was using and just came off a week long binge. I was closed off. But I tried to let you in I wanted to feel your love. I wanted you to feel mine and I did for a few beautiful moments. But I felt uneasy to a degree. I felt like you hadn’t been clear with your intentions from when you came back into my life up in until that point.

I didn’t know how to feel or how to fix the situation/feeling.

By morning I felt good about the whole night. I had you in my arms. I finally opened up. I actually thought this was going so good. I felt happy and whole which I hadn’t felt for a very very long time. Then as we were getting ready you asked me to go grab you a dress out of the car. At that very moment my stomach twisted and turned into something unsettling. I knew what you were about to try and do.

But I pushed the thought and gut feeling away and sincerely gave you the benefit of the doubt.

When I came back up and the door was locked. And you gave me some lame excuse with that certain tone in your voice. I already knew.

I was so so angry. I honestly wanted to knock you the fuck out. And I never had that feeling about you before.

All the feelings I had held onto for so long all the control and coping skills I learned from treatment and from being sober. All those things. I threw them right out the fucking window. I wanted to argue but I attempted to keep my composure.

We agreed to be sober so we could enjoy the actual moment.

I just came off a week long binge and I could stay clean for for a whole day so that we could enjoy our time together. I was so fucking mad at you. And I held most of it in. I postponed the urge to say fuck this and fuck you. The moment I opened up. The moment I let my guard down. You decided that you couldn’t wait 20 minutes until we parted ways to get high. 20 minutes!

All the feelings I fought so hard to overcome and accept and move past came flooding in. I was cornered by how worthless and small you made me feel. I was overwhelmed by the fact that you weren’t in this. And you weren’t ready. That I wasn’t ready. And that I wanted nothing to do with you. I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for you to wait 20 minutes. And then realized I didn’t mean a fucking thing.

My soul quickly reminded me of why I was there and why I chose you over and over again. Why I always came running back. Because I loved you in ways I couldn’t fathom. And that’s all that really mattered when it came down to it. I just simply loved you. In more ways than could be counted. And even though we had beautiful moments and a connection like no other. That was what did it for me. That is what hurt the most. Out all the things that we went through. Even after the things I found out eventually. That moment changed me. That moment made me realize that you didn’t want it. Maybe it because you didn’t love me or I wasn’t good enough. You just didn’t want it. That I was there to fill a void you had. Then you would be on your way. Without a thought. I had felt more worthless and degraded and fooled after that very thought then I ever had felt in my life. And all I wanted to do was scream and hide like a child. I wanted to cry and run away from my life. I went from being angry to complete hopelessness in all but a moment.

Looking back over all of it I know I hurt you just as much. In every way you hurt me. That my own insanity and insecurities pushed you past your breaking point at times. I know I did foolish things and failed to respect your boundaries. And asked too much of you. I know that you have cried just as much as I have and when I mention the feeling of emptiness you know exactly what I’m talking about. Cause you have felt it too. Causing you all the pain I have still causes me to cry and leaves me in an unbearable place. I recognize the hurt I’ve caused you and the kids. I see it and I have hated myself for along long time for not being what you needed me to be. I wish....

Flashbacks and the emotions that went with them flooded my head. I cried uncontrollably for what seemed like a lifetime. All my buried emotions, guilt and shame came to the surface. I sat there and cried minute after minute. Until i finally regained the moment. I wiped my face clean of the waterfall of tears from my cheeks. And again looked over next to me as if you were there.

I’m sorry for all the times I made you feel worthless and unloved and unwanted. Through all of our time together I always wanted you. Forgive me that pushed you away and didn’t fight hard enough to keep you. And that you felt I had disconnected from you and our family.

Please forgive me for all of the hurtful words and lies I ever had told you for I was just insecure and weak in those moments and was a lesser man. Please forgive me for not putting everything i am into our relationship towards the end. I simply had lost all self worth and love for myself and was unable to give more then I had already gave. Forgive me for choosing drugs over our family. And not keeping my priorities in check.

Forgive me for being a burden and wasting your time and energy because I was unable to cope with my mental health. Forgive me for sometimes loving you too much and making you feel smothered and trapped. Forgive me for I wasn’t good enough and failed to meet your expectations. Forgive me for projecting my negative energy onto you. And please forgive me for all the times I wanted to hate you and forget about you cause I never could. Forgive me for expecting the things I did from you. But most of all please forgive me for taking you for granted and failing to show you how much you do mean to me for losing hope and questioning everything. For falling short on showing how much I care and how worthy you are of all the joy and love in the world. Forgive me for disappointing you and tearing our family apart. It was never my intention to allow myself to fall that deep into my depression. Forgive me for every tear that has left you beautiful eyes. Forgive me for causing any smile of yours to fade. Forgive for leaving. Forgive me for my selfishness.

Forgive me please.

I put my face into the palms of my hands and reflected on everything that involved me and her. The thought that I had have isolated myself from everything and have been reflecting on this for the last four weeks crossed my mind. I sat there in silence. I wiped my face. I wondered for a moment if I was ever going to be able to stop crying. I wished with all my might that you were here. Not for you to comfort me or to give me affection. Or to tell me you accept my apology. I simply wanted you there cause just being next to you brings peace to my soul. And for the simple fact that I just wanted you there.

I whispered "I love you.” Hoping with all my heart that somehow you heard me. I then cleared my throat. And with meaning and complete sincerity.

I forgive you for it all my love. For the pain and sorrow you had caused me. For all the times you lied to me. For all the things you would never admit to me. For all the times you made me feel worthless and belittled me. For all the times you picked fights and walked on my self esteem. For all the moments that you made me an option and something less than a man. I forgive you for all of it. I have no anger no more pain and I am finally letting these demons that have plagued my soul go. I forgive you with the most purest part of my heart with all the love I hold. I forgive you for every moment that put us in a bad place. For every time you ran away. For every time you had been selfish. I forgive you for not seeing my worth and taking me for granted. I forgive you completely and whole heartedly. I forgive you because I love you from the deepest part of my soul. I have loved you from the moment we meant and will always love you. Until the end of all existence. I will unconditionally love you with all my heart. I will support you and I will be always there for you. I will never give up the hope I have for us to be together again. But I will always be your biggest supporter when it comes to your happiness and your well being. Regardless of how and with who you choose to do that.

I unconditionally love you. And I always will. Nothing will ever take away or strip the love I have for you. I forgive you for everything. For it all. For every moment and for every second.

I almost could picture her face. I almost reached out to grab her hand that wasn’t really there.

And once more I said aloud:

I forgive you and I will always unconditionally love you with all my heart and soul.

I felt my shirt that was wet from my tears. I took a deep sigh. And as I exhaled a large breath of air. And I began to say to myself:

I forgive you for hurting everyone you loved. I forgive you for allowing people to make you question yourself. I forgive you for pushing away your family that loved you so much. I forgive you for being an addict caught in your addiction. I forgive you for being angry and hateful to everyone and especially yourself. I forgive you for trying to kill yourself and cut this life short. I forgive you for putting drugs before your ex fiancé and the children. I forgive you for not seeing your own worth and for allowing everyone else to decide that for you. I forgive you for showing trust and love to people that didn’t earn it. I forgive you for all the lies that you told yourself and believed. I forgive you for holding on to the past and not letting go. And I forgive you for losing yourself whether to your vices or to your own demons.

I forgive you for everything you have done and for all the pain that you have caused yourself and others. I forgive you for every word you have spoke negatively about yourself. I forgive you for destroying your life over and over again. I forgive you for every cut you have put on your wrists and arm. For every moment you lost faith and hope for yourself. For letting people walk all over you. I forgive you for putting people and things before yourself and even your own well being. I forgive you because I unconditionally love you.

I unconditionally love you.

In that moment. The moment I had been looking for. This moment that I searched for going on a year. Finally came. My entire body relaxed and my mind finally settled. And for the first time in a long time, I was at peace with who I was and where I was at with my life. I did not hate anyone or anything. I was not upset or stressed about anything. I didn’t want to get high or fill my time thinking irrational thoughts. I sat there and allowed the moment to consume me. I felt myself feel more like me. I loved myself again. I found love that had been missing for as long as i could remember. I finally let go. I finally freed myself from the cage I so willingly had lived in. For once I was content and satisfied with where and who I was. I had inner peace. And I consumed it. I embraced every sense of what I was feeling. It was one of the most beautiful moments in my life. And through all this indescribable blissful moment, the thought of her once again came into my head. I finally saw what she had always saw from the moment she met me. It was the same thing I saw in her. It was love. Beautiful love. How I wish she was here in this moment with me. How I wish I could kiss her and thank her for every moment we have shared. To express how grateful I am to have had her lay in my arms on the cold winter nights. And to swim in the ocean as we danced with the waves together. From long walks to talking for hours about nothing and everything at the same time. I’d thank her for loving me in a way no one has ever loved me before. For loving me with everything that she had and allowing me to love her the in same way. I’d express to her how beautiful she has help make my life. And that when I cry over her it’s not only cause I miss her, it's cause I am so blessed by God to have such a beautiful person come into my life that it's overwhelming. I am truly grateful to experience everything I have from all the ups and downs. To the highs and lows. From chaos to pure true love. To siting in this apartment alone hoping I get a phone call so I can hear her voice. And be able to thank her for being her. And express that She will always have a place in my heart and a piece of my soul. And that she will alway be the biggest part of how I found love for myself and for my life. And once again tears form and, gracefully with love, fall to the floor.

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About the Creator

Adam Blankenship

30 year old single father on a path to inner peace

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