A Generational Curse

After my mother’s passing, I learned that she left me three things: $20,000, our family home, and a small locked safe with a key. I’m grateful for the things I was given, but I’ll leave this safe as a personal relic for her & her eternal soul.

I lost my mom two weeks ago. She was killed by my father. He was a drunk, abusive, & manipulative. Unfortunately, he had chains around her wrists and ankles. One time, my mother came home late from work, my father was already a mess, the lack of dinner made everything worse. That evening, she gave me a goodnight kiss with a swollen, purple eye. Every time I think about these experiences I get overwhelmed. I want to bring her back and ask her why we had to endure that.

But I can’t. Life goes on.

Life ends as well.

Why am I thinking about this now? I should be working...

I turn my head to get a look at the time.

6:50pm.

As I continue typing, I gradually lose my train of thought, instead, making up faux facts about climate change. This is just word vomit. College was always difficult, but now it seems impossible.

I close my laptop and grab my phone. The amount of condolences people are sending is more than I can count, but the amount of comfort I feel appears to be none. All these thoughts circulate in my head, but soon after are replaced by lucid dreams.

I wake up to 6 missed calls from Hebrew, my boyfriend. He’s made this already horrible experience, worse. He still wants sex, consistency, and he wants me near him all the time despite my constant need of solitude.

Where are you??

Hello??

Wtf why aren’t you answering

If you want to be single, I swear to god just say it, no more games

I’m sorry I know you’re stressed but I’m stressed 2 I just want to see u

Christ... Texting him back isn’t a great idea, so I’ve decided to make coffee instead.

4:32AM

My sleep schedule is still questionable.

My mind, my dreams, they’re confusing. Melancholy is bizarre. It makes me miss mom, it also makes me curious about her useless things she left me. That safe...

My phone buzzed me out of my thoughts. I grab it and read the notification.

You up? He’s calm now so I decide to text him back.

Yes, what’s up.

Can I come over?

Yes.

My stomach decided against me. I truly don’t want to see him right now but to keep the peace, I will.

5:28am.

“How are you doing?” His eyes told me everything I needed to know. The way he’s paying close attention to me. He’s staring at me. He wants to have sex.

“I’m fine.” I blurt it out to cover up my suspicions.

He starts to rub my thigh. “I’ve been super worried about you. You know that, right?”

“Yeah, I know. I’m just focusing on getting better and school.” I don’t bother looking at him, I’m trying to play the innocent, sad girlfriend. My vulnerability makes him feel powerful.

“Come here. Let’s lie down.” He pulls me towards the bed, gently, and wrapped his arms around my shoulders, “I love you.”

“I love you, too.” I close my eyes to try and drift off to sleep. Maybe I was wrong, he may actually try to be comforting me.

Five minutes later, his hand swipes past my thigh, bringing me back from my naive thoughts.

“Hebrew, not tonight, please?” I spoke into his chest.

“C’mon, it’s been so long... just a little.” He continues rubbing my back, a little more aggressively now.

“Stop, please.” I looked up at his face.

“Fuck, Dalilah, you’re impossible! I’ve been putting up with this for weeks. I know losing your parents sucks but are you trying to ruin this?” He got out of bed and grabbed his keys.

“Come here.” I started pouting at him.

“What.” He wasn’t asking.

“Lie down with me.” I grab his forearm and pull him down. I start kissing his neck and shoulders, giving him the OK to satisfy himself. Anything to keep the peace.

7:45am

Hebrew is beside me sleeping, naked. I decided to stay up and read. As I scanned the pages of the novel, my mind drifted back to moms safe.

Lack of self control led me out of my bed to her and dad's old room. As I opened the door, my nose scrunched up in disgust. Blood…

I went to the closet and grabbed mom’s safe. I, hesitantly, stuck the key in the hole. As I heard the lock click, I raised up the top.

A black book? I grabbed it and took it to my room. As I laid in my bed, my heart started giving my rib cage high fives as I read mom’s handwriting:

We find ourselves in situations that don’t suit us. Sometimes we remain ignorant, which results in us bringing other people into that unsuitable situation. Mom went through the same thing. My father almost killed her. She eventually left him and he killed himself. We didn’t have a funeral.

Your dad and I really hit it off at first. He sent me flowers, he took me on dates, and he made love to me. But after we got married, he started drinking more and more. When you were younger, he’d discipline you in ways I couldn’t forgive. He treated you like he hated you. His time of judgement will come. I’m so sorry I wasn’t able to break this curse for you.

When you were born, I made a savings account for you. I tried to save as much as I could, but with joint accounts with your father, I couldn’t put much. In the event that something were to happen to me, in the event that you repeat the same mistakes your grandmother and I made, I want you to get out, I want you to live. This notebook contains contact information to safe family members in New Zealand. There’s at least 200 names and numbers. For security reasons, I didn’t put any addresses in this book, but once you call, they’ll help you. I know this is all so sudden, but because of the state we are in, I want to make sure I help you one last time. I would love for you to leave as soon as you can. I love you.

Impulsively shutting the book sucker punched me out of my trance. I opened it again in disbelief and turned the pages. I saw countless names and numbers of strangers.

Rosalie Mitchell - +64-004-243-1353

Mike Mitchell - +64-004-196-8333

Scott Dunham - +64-004-025-7315

The list keeps going for pages, yet, I don’t know any of these people. Why would she think I’d want to live with them?

I kept turning until I stopped at a photo bookmarked near the end. Taking out the photo, I got hit with odd deja vu.

It was my mother and a small child, I’m assuming me, I’m the only dark skinned child in our immediate family. There was another lady touching moms shoulders and smiling at me. I turned the photo over and saw mommy & rosy; 1998.

Rosy? Rosalie? Were they sisters?

The information about dad didn’t surprise me. He was always cold towards me. He always beat me and told me that women needed to learn to respect men at all times. However, this stuff with mom really scares me. Why didn’t she get out sooner? She had all this family but never left. She could’ve used that money for herself.

Sometimes we remain ignorant, which results in us bringing other people into that unsuitable situation.

Is she talking about me? That’s bullshit. She knew the risks and decided to have me anyway. No one lives at this house except for me, I’m staying.

“You okay?” His raspy voice brought me back to reality.

I look at him and smile. “Yeah, I was just reminiscing. Hungry?”

“Please, last night left me starving.” He squeezed my thigh, referencing the terrible sex we had.

I got up from bed and headed to the kitchen. He trailed behind me, trying to grab my butt like an immature high school teen.

“Waffles & eggs?” The perkiness of my voice excites him enough to come closer to me. He starts kissing my neck.

“Yes, please, but that can wait like 10 minutes, right?” I’m repulsed...

“Hey, Hebrew, not right now. Let me cook breakfast.” I unwrap his arms from around my waist and head towards the stove to warm up. He follows me again, playfully, and wraps his arms tighter around me.

“You’re not going anywhere, beautiful. C’mon, just one more time.” He kisses my neck again, I’m getting nauseous. My instincts forcibly push him off and he falls back into the kitchen island.

“Oh, shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for that to be aggressive.” I look down and force out a nervous chuckle. When I looked back up at him, he was staring at me while walking towards me. The closer he got, the more I backed away until I reached the stove. He got closer and closer until his hands were wrapped around my neck. He gripped like a snake finishing off its prey before it eats.

I grabbed his arm to move it, but he’s so strong it was futile. I was slowly losing air and consciousness.

In the event that you repeat the same mistakes your grandmother and I made, I want you to get out.

Mom... I need you. How did you know?

Hebrews voice snatched me from my thoughts.

“If you ever do that again, I will make you sorry you ever thought you could. Fucking bitch.” I’m so taken aback by his words that him kissing me and opening the front door to leave didn’t register with my brain for a moment.

I rubbed my neck, it was now bruised.

I stood up and walked to my parents room, flinching once more at the smell of blood.

Dad hit mom with a glass bottle.

I go to her nightstand and grab her old medicine bottles.

He grabbed her by her throat and took her off her feet.

I open the strongest prescription I see and take all of the pills out as I lay on their bed.

Mom tried kicking him multiple times as he continued strangling her.

I grab 13 pills and head for the kitchen to get water.

Her lifeless body laid on the floor beside the bed.

I want you to get out, I want you to live. I wanted you to live, mom...

As I was heading to the kitchen with the full intent to end my life, mom’s black book was staring at me from inside my room. I slowly walk towards & sit on my bed, opening the book again.

I grab my phone and dial +64-004-243-1353. It rings 4 times before an obnoxiously high voice answers.

“Hello?”

“H-hi. My name is-”

“Kenny! Kendra, sweetheart! You don’t know how long I’ve been waiting to hear your beautiful voice.” I’m not saying anything, I’m completely overwhelmed by the excitement of this person.

“Kenny, is she gone?” Her voice suddenly sounds sad.

“Yeah. I don’t know what to do.” Tears kept spilling as I tried to put together sentences.

“I know, but your mother did. I can’t agree with every decision she made, but when it came to you, for some reason she was very logical. Weird right?” I let out a nervous laugh at her joke attempt.

“Really weird...” I trailed off as I thought about the decisions that have to be made moving forward. Whatever they were, I don’t think mom intended for Hebrew to be a part of them.

I want you to get out, I want you to live.

I get it now, mom, I’ll live for the both of us. Thank you.