5 Toxic Ideas About Love I Learned From Watching Too Many Romantic Movies

Here’s a cheesy montage straight out of a movie I watched as a teen. A shirtless guy with perfectly tanned abs was running after his girlfriend. When he caught up to her, they started kissing and watched the beautiful sunset together.

I didn’t realize how problematic this scene was until I recently saw it again as an adult. You see, I loved watching chick flicks as a young, impressionable teen. I swooned when the guy finally got the girl after a big romantic gesture. In my mind, happy endings were the norm.

Love isn’t as simple as Hollywood projected it to be. It turned out waiting for an epic romance, like in romantic movies, got in the way of me having healthier relationships.

So, I let go of these ridiculous expectations and face the reality. Here’s how I changed my perspective.

1. Expectation: “Love is all about the grand romantic gestures.”

Reality: Most of the time, love is just enjoying the little things.

Remember the ending scene in Breakfast at Tiffany’s? If you don’t, I’ll describe it to you. Imagine sharing a kiss in the rain with someone while Moon River plays in the background.

Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? Well, that’s what I thought until I tried taking a cold shower in the morning. It was horrible for me ’cause I got colds for two weeks.

I guess the same thing goes when you kissed someone in the rain. You’re both cold and wet… So, don’t be surprised if you got sick the next day.

I secretly wanted to have those big romantic moments with my partner. I was even comparing my relationship with other couples I saw on Instagram who traveled a lot.

As our relationship matured, I became more grateful for every moment we were together. Now, I’m always looking forward to staying at home with her and binge-watching a series on Netflix.

Our little moments aren’t always glamorous (e.g. Talking while still having a morning breath). Yet, I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

2. Expectation: “Falling in love at first sight happens in real life.”

Reality: “Love at first sight isn’t really love.”

I always don’t agree with movie logic, but Frozen is on point when it comes to love at first sight. There was a scene in the movie when Anna asked her sister’s blessings to marry the prince she met on the same day. Elsa didn’t approve saying:

You can’t marry a man you just met.

Somehow, my 13-year-old self could see herself in Anna. I was so into the first cute guy I saw in high school that I even considered him as my first love. But I figured my love was nothing more than physical attraction.

Once I got to know him better, I realized he isn’t the one. Spoiler alert: we didn’t work out. Well, there goes all the bad poetry I wrote for him on Tumblr.

A 2017 study shows falling in love instantly has more to do with physical attraction than genuine love. The researchers at the University of Groningen conducted a bunch of studies to investigate the existence of love at first sight.

The participants in the study were asked about their current relationship status. They also looked at various pictures of strangers and they described whether they felt love, intimacy, or passion.

The study also included speed dating exercises in which potential partners met for a couple of minutes. Then, they answered some questions about their level of attraction towards their dates.

After the speed dating sessions, they were asked again to describe whether they experienced love at first sight, or any other forms of love.

32 participants, the majority are men, described 49 instances of love at first sight.

So, here’s the kicker. The researchers found out love at first sight isn’t associated with different forms of love. However, it was strongly linked with the level of participant’s attraction towards a certain person. If participants rated someone ‘very much attractive,’ the more likely they’ll say they experienced love at first sight.

Plus, none of the recorded instances of love at first sight at speed dating sessions were mutual.

Based on this study, we can’t instantly feel intimacy, passion, or commitment the moment we first see our potential mates.

Powerful attraction can definitely blossom into different forms of love as the relationship grows. The bottom line is it will take time before you get to know someone and figure out whether you’re compatible with that person or not.

3. Expectation: “You need a dramatic transformation to find true love.”

Reality: “You don’t need to change your appearance for someone to truly love you.”

I’m a sucker for makeovers… I love seeing people have their glow up, especially in movies.

One of my favorite things about watching rom-coms is when a character goes from an “ugly duckling to a beautiful swan.” For me, there’s nothing like a makeover montage where the protagonist tries out different clothes and hairstyles.

The cherry on top is whenever I see the guy’s reaction after the makeover. In fact, I still remember Emilio Estevez’s stunned reaction as he saw Ally Sheedy’s transformation in The Breakfast Club. I also loved how the school weirdo turned into a prom queen material in She’s All That.

Movie makeovers gave 15-year-old me a glimmer of hope that maybe someday, I would look less geeky and more desirable. I told myself I need to change how I look or no one would ever want to be with me.

The problem was I didn’t know where to start! If only I had a fairy godmother back then, I wouldn’t be so clueless about beauty and fashion.

Eight years later, I still look forward to my glow-up. So, what changed since then? I no longer want to change how I look for someone to like me… A person who truly loves me would look past my insecurities, maybe would even find them charming.

I’m glad I was right. My physical flaws aren’t a deal-breaker for my partner or the people I dated before. I’m currently putting in the effort to improve how I look. Not because my partner asked me to change. I just want to feel more comfortable in my own skin.

And I don’t really need a fairy godmother to help me with my makeover. Beauty and fitness gurus on YouTube got me covered.

4. Expectation: “Bad boys are secretly the most sensitive guys.”

Reality: “Dating bad boys is fine, just watch out for potential RED FLAGS.”

Bad boys were my weakness, thanks to A Walk to Remember. I had a big crush on Landon Carter, the rebellious male protagonist who put the welfare of others before his own.

In the movie, we saw Landon’s growth from an angsty teen to a man who made the last days of his girlfriend unforgettable.

A bad boy falls for a good girl. In my case, it’s the other way ‘round. When I was in college, I fell head over heels for this tall guy with a bad reputation in our school. Let’s call him Tom to keep his privacy.

Tom had this mysterious vibe every time we talked. I also found it sexy whenever he drove his scooter around town. When he was out with his crew, he got into a couple of fights.

He wasn’t dumb. From what I remembered, Tom was great in algebra and English. In the end, he dropped out of school because he skipped too many classes and failed most of his subjects.

Everything about Tom screamed danger. Heck, I wanted to be with him so badly.

There was a scientific reason I was so attracted to Tom. According to the Good Genes Selection theory, women are more attracted to males with desirable traits during fertile days.

This theory also suggests not everyone can be alpha. Each month, our female hormones push us to find someone who has ‘good genes’ we can pass on to our children.

If you’re attracted to straight males with toxic personalities, don’t be ashamed. You don’t necessarily want to be with them. Basically, you only want their sperm.

It’s okay to date a bad boy or a bad girl. If you spot too many red flags, it’s time to leave. No one is worth more than your sanity and well-being.

No matter how ugly their past was, I believe people can change and redeem themselves. Tom and I didn’t end up together, but I’m glad he went back to college and got his degree. He has a wife and a daughter now.

5. Expectation: “Keep waiting for a knight in shining armor to come and save you.”

Reality: “Don’t expect someone to save you. You are in charge of your own happiness.”

Life can be quite stressful. At some point, we want someone who will take care of us when the going gets tough. It’s no wonder wishing for a knight in shining armor to arrive is quite enticing.

I struggled with stress and anxiety. Most of the time, I often felt misunderstood because of my mental health problems. All I wanted was for someone to be on my side and help me cope with daily stressors.

In short, I wanted to be with someone that would save me from myself.

When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would- I would pretend I was a princess… trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight… on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me.

This iconic quote from Pretty Woman summarized what I was hoping for in a relationship. Wait a minute, a knight in shining armor? Sounds like this quote is straight out of a Disney fairy tale movie. Well, it sort of is!

Fun Fact: before Disney picked up Pretty Woman, it was supposed to be a dark cautionary tale about prostitution and drug abuse in LA. There was no way in hell that a family-friendly company, like Disney, would ever produce that type of film.

So, what did we get instead? A Disney-fied version where the rich guy in a white limo saved the girl from her dreaded life. Even though he was scared of heights, he climbed up to her fire escape and gave her the fairy tale ending she was dreaming of.

Sadly, life isn’t always as simple as fairy tales. Our story doesn’t simply end in a happy ending. I had to learn that the hard way.

My partner is the most understanding person I know. She always stuck by me through thick and thin. But she found it extremely difficult to handle what I was dealing with. She confessed she was exhausted.

That was the wake-up call I needed to learn more about my mental health. I listed down my potential triggers and the things I could do to prevent them from getting under my skin.

I didn’t want anyone to suffer because of what I was going through. For once, I wanted to be the hero of my story.

I like the original ending of Pretty Woman better because it was more realistic. The rich man threw the girl out of his car, then threw out the money he owed for her services. He left her crying in a dirty alley.

This ending only shows people can leave us at any time. Leaning on your partner for support is fine, but you shouldn’t put your happiness in the hands of others. You got this!

Romantic movies give us false hope that there’s someone who would fix us, no matter how broken we are. Recognize that these movies often follow a formula to score big at the box office. Behind Hollywood’s glitz and glamour lies an ugly truth… Love can’t magically solve our problems overnight.

Enjoy watching romantic movies as they are. Just avoid setting your expectations for love way too high.