3 Humorous Stories

The Mafia

A mafia godfather one day decided to employ a new accountant. The Don decided on an accountant who was both deaf and dumb in the belief that such a man could never be called to testify against him. Things went well for a number of years, until finally it came up to the accountants time to retire. The Don had another accountant look over the books just to make sure all was in order before the deaf mute disappeared for good. The new accountant discovered that there was a million dollars unaccounted for. To get to the bottom of the missing money the Don called in his attorney, who just happened to know sign language.

On the old accountant's last day all three men sat in the Don's office with a sign on the door stating 'Do Not Disturb'. The Don turned to the attorney and said "Ok, ask this thieving old bastard where the missing million dollars is."

The attorney duly hand signed what the Don had asked him to say to the old man. The Don watched intently as the accountant hand signed his response to the attorney. "He said he doesn't know what you're talking about." said the attorney. The Don opened his desk drawer and pulled out a loaded Magnum 45 revolver and pointed it at the accountants head. "Ok," said the Don to the attorney "You tell this lousy sonovabitch if he doesn't come clean I am going to blow his head off right here and now."

The attorney turned to the accountant and very gravely told the accountant what the Don had said. The old man got the message and said to the attorney "Ok, I'll tell you, tell him please don't shoot me, I'm an old man and I just want a peaceful retirement. The money is buried under an old garden shed at the end of my cousin Bruno's back garden."

"What did he say?" demanded the Don of his attorney.

The attorney dropped his eyes a few seconds before raising them again to look the Don straight in the eye and said.....

"He said you can go screw yourself you aint got the balls to shoot, you're nothing but a cowardly little shit."

A 500 dollar Gift

One Saturday morning Mike and his beautiful wife Sara were at home and decided to take a shower before breakfast. Sara went into the shower first. After what seemed an eternity Sara go out of the shower and was busy drying herself off as mike disrobed and stepped into the rainfall shower and turned on the tap. Just at that moment there was a knock at the front door.

"Oh, honey, can you go see who that is?" said Sara. "I7m just finishing off drying myself darling."

"Sara, I'm wet through baby!" said Mike. Just slip a bathrobe on, you'll be fine. It'll probably be someone for you anyway.

Sara tutted a little as she made her way downstairs to open the front door.There on the doorstep was Blake from across the street.

"Heyyyyy, Sara, how ya doin' beautiful?"

"Blake, you got me at an inconvenient Momemt here, huh. What can I do for you honey?"

"You know Sara, you are such a beautiful woman, I've been a secret admirer of yours ever since you came to live here. How about if you take that bathrobe off and let me see that gorgeous body you got there? I got 500 dollars right here in my hand to make it worth your while. Here, take it." And Blake thrust the wedge of dollar notes into Sara's hand.

"Oh I don't know Blake, you know, Mike is just upstairs taking a shower......

"Sara, he'll never know baby. Just drop the robe turn around lemme see what ya got a few seconds and I go straight back home, nobody any the wiser."

Five hundred dollars was a hell of a lot of money for such a silly, harmless little thing thought Sara. She nervously dropped her bathrobe and did a slow turn before reaching down to the floor to pick up the robe and put it back on.

Blake seemed satisfied and gave Sara a knowing wink before turning on his heels and heading back to his house across the street.

Sara went back upstairs to the bedroom trying to look normal. Mike was still in the shower and heard her come back into the bedroom. "Who was it honeybun?" called out Mike.

"Oh it was just Blake from across the street darling." Sara replied as she tried to think of a reason why Blake had called over. Before she could come up with anything that sounded harmless, like he wanted to borrow the garden mower, Mike continued.

"Ah right ok, I guess he gave you that 500 dollars I lent him a few days ago."

The Zoo

A young lad went to work at Chester zoo. On his first day the head zookeeper told the lad to go and feed the finches in the aviary. A short time later the lad returned to tell the zookeeper all the finches were dead.”Really?” said the zookeeper. “Tell you what, go and feed the dead finches to the lions, they’ll eat anything. After you’ve done that go and feed chimps some bananas then come back here for further instructions.” The lad went to the chimps enclosure loaded up with bananas only to find all the chimps were dead. When the lad went to report the matter to the zookeeper he was told once again to feed the dead chimps to the lions as they will eat anything. After that, he was told, go and check on the beehives and see if all is ok there. Sure enough, when the lad got to the beehives it was only to find that all the bees were dead. On reporting back to the zookeeper the lad was told to feed the dead bees to the lions as they would eat anything.

Later on that day a new lion arrived and went to sit with the alpha male lion. As they sat in the warming sun the new lion asked “So boss, what’s the food like here?” The alpha male replied.” Hey, you know it’s not too bad, usually they throw us some raw meat or the odd impala. Then today we got a real treat which doesn’t happen often. A young lad came round and gave us finch, chimps and bees.”

Author's note. Fish, chips and peas is the national dish of the United Kingdom.