why I'm leaving

The mirror showed a reflection that wasn't my own. Or I guess it was, but it wasn't our home.

I know... that doesn't make sense. Same as you waking up alone this morning... I know none of this seems right.

That's because it's not. This whole reality is wrong. Really wrong. It's off kilter.

but that's where this all began, the fucking mirror. If I'd never seen it, we'd still be happily married and... well

like i said, this whole reality is wrong. But we could have gone on blissfully ignorant thinking it was right. i would have liked that. Hell i would have loved that. same way I truly loved you.

but knowing this is all wrong makes it unliveable...

I do... well, I do know how i could make it right. i started actually. I did step one but.... There's else I need to do to make it right, but.... but that something is too far.

I can't do it. I won't.

I'd rather suffer alone in a world gone wrong than do that to you.

I know, you're wondering what the fuck I'm talking about.

and I owe you an explanation, but I also know that everything I'm about to type in my final letter to you is going to sound either insane or dishonest.

It won't really make any difference whether you believe me or not. But I've never lied to you, and now would be a stupid time to start. and i know i'm not crazy.

You'd know it too if i could just fucking show you. But the mirror doesn't work anymore, because I broke it.

That was step one. I started, trying to make things right. god i really thought i was gonna go through with it. i really wanted to go through with it.

fuck. I'm all fucked up over this. That's why i left.

I'm sorry. I know this letter is all over the place. And our years together, our happy years, they should have earned you a kinder farewell. Or atleast a fucking coherent one. But

oh jesus my mind is just shattered. When i broke the mirror something broke in my skull too. I felt it splinter, and i'm trying to sort out the shards, at least enough to make some goddamned sense.

Let me try again from the beginning.

i'm so sorry

like i said it started with that damn mirror. I was cleaning the storage room this was last Saturday, on my day off.

hahaha day off! as if I'll ever be going to work at that fucking store again. It's funny how perspectives kinda shift and slide. i used to think that job was important. used to think i was important-- the guy every supervisor and department head had to report to... what a fucking joke. I was as much a nobody then as i am now, a week later. Only now i know better, so there's no way i'll drag my ass through those doors again. the plumbing department head and the gardening departmnet head both want my job. Guess now it will be up to them to sort it out hahahaha--

shit, sorry.

I know i'm getting off topic, sorry

those shards you know

okay, i gotta focus and get through this. My last charity. My final compassion before i disappear from your life... forever.... i hope.

OKAY FUCKING FUCKING FOCUS FUCK FUCK FUCK

***

THE DAMN MIRROR UGGGH WHY DID I BREAK IT?/?!?

i can't even look anymore. The magic is gone. i stopped writing your letter and went looking at the shards again. they don't show anything special. Just pieces of broken glass showing fragments of my sunken eyes. the sharp little pieces cut my finger tips. But they're Just garbage now. The glass and my fingers and everything else in this whole fucking reality. all garbage

everything is wrong

maybe i should finish it. Maybe i should complete the next step and fix things

god hlep me!

***

holy shit. I really gotta leave. I have a lucid moment. I wish I could say I fell asleep while writing your goodbye letter. Everything i just witnessed felt like a dream. And the worst part is it didn't even feel like a bad one. God help me, it felt right. but terrible or good, it wasn't a dream. I know it was real, i felt the handle of the blade in my hand. I heard your steady breaths, and watched your chest rise and fall under the blankets, all with my own eyes. I stood there for over an hour. Watching you sleep, my knuckles white on the knife, as I held it over your chest... waiting...

I don't know what held me back. Maybe it was fear. Maybe it was whatever small part of me still loves you. but that small part was enough, this time. I wrestled with myself, and while i've got nothing to show for it, at least you're still alive.

though now I'm thinking i should have just let my body go through with it. Then i'd be out of this hell and where i belong....

Whatever the case may be in my squirming, agonized soul, something stopped me from piercing you with that knife. my body started trying to kill you at 2 am... and i didn't regain full control until 4:30. i ran out of the house, and rented a room at a motel across town. I'm sitting on my laptop now, writing an email to a living woman who I once thought i loved.

maybe you should thank God! don't thank me, because now i regret it. I regret leaving. the more i think about how close i was, the more i wonder why I held back

lucidity, I'm finally allowed to think clearly. even as I type I can feel my normal faculties returning. I suppose I should apologize for the chaotic nature of this letter, especially up to this point. I'm not going to backtrack and edit for typos. There's no time. I need to complete the process and fix this fucked up wrong reality. I know that now.

I'll still send this email, not to scare you. Just to explain why i'm going to do what I must do.

And now I've finally made up my mind to go through with I think I can lay things out for you so you'll understand.

I was cleaning the storage room in the house we shared for the past few years. It was the same saturday where we cooked breakfast together-- I sauteed sausages and peppers and onions, just the way I know you like. And you made blueberry pancakes, with extra butter.

Oh! It was our anniversary, that's right. I remember. Yes, and after breakfast, we made love. Although, in retrospect it feels wrong to call it that. We had sex.

At the time, I thought it was incredible. Ignorance is bliss, so they say.

You fell asleep after, and I hadn't wanted to wake you. But I wanted to get some work done on converting the storage room for our baby on the way. It's almost a shame, that the final step of removing you from my life's equation to fix this reality will necessarily prevent that child from existing.

Ha, well I guess it's a good thing I never finished cleaning out the storage room or got around to prepping it for a baby. That would have been a waste, wouldn't it?

Anyway, that day I was filled with a foolish hope.

The future seemed bright to me because I was too blind to understand it as bleak.

I found a mirror up there, while I was cleaning... It was covered in dust but still quite gorgeous through it all. It had an sleek black-wood frame and the glass seemed to shine, impossibly bright through all that grime. I pulled it into the corner, and wiped the dust away with the sleeve of my shirt.

When I saw it, I thought I'd lost my mind. I did not see myself in reflection, I did not see the storage room behind me. I saw waves, on a gray ocean. And the view shifted, to scan the horizon. I saw shore birds high in the clouds, and a feeling of peace, health, and wellness settled over me.

It was a feeling of rightness.

But I still had no idea what I was witnessing. I only knew that this view felt more real than the world I inhabited.

I watched as the view swung around to reveal a boat-- a large one. It wasn't quite a yacht but it was luxurious, and well stocked. Near the helm, there stood a woman of unequal beauty. She was radiant, and the world seemed to dim around her, such that my own world seemed empty and meaningless compared to the one I was spying on. She looked at me and smiled, and I knew right then: I was looking into the eyes of my true soulmate.

Honestly, the moment terrified me and I stumbled out of that room. I had no idea what was going on, or what was happening to me. My head was reeling.

It's a miracle I didn't wake you, as I lurched down the stairs and into the kitchen. I used the house to spray down my scalp and I wiped the water from my eyes.

My whole mouth had gone dry, and I chugged water straight from the filter.

But I wanted to see her again. I felt an indescribable energy in my gut.

Still, I feared the change. And some weak part of my psyche resisted. I told myself I was going crazy. I told myself it was a hallucination, and that I should just ignore everything about that mirror until we could clean the room together.

But I could feel my pulse racing and nothing I did really distracted me.

You came down the stairs then, yawning. You smiled at me and asked if i wanted round two...

Honestly, the feeling in my stomach had no room for you. I was disgusted at the idea of penetrating you. Before that day I'd never thought of you as anything but perfect. But you repulsed me then, because I had seen a woman who made you look like a grotesque imitation of beauty-- like a hideous creature playing dress up with a human woman's parts.

I made some excuse about needing to get some cleaning done in the room, and you tried to kiss me but I pretended not to notice.

It's not that I wanted to hurt you. I still don't want to hurt you. But I'm going to do what I have to do, I simply must. I'll try to make it painless, or as close to painless as possible. I owe you that at least, for the life we shared-- and would have continued to share were my eyes not opened.

Back in the room, I knelt in front of the mirror and looked at her face. Her beautiful face... She said, "Why'd you leave."

I heard her in my mind, but her voice was clear as day. Soft as silk, smooth as butter.

I stammered some apology... Told her I didn't know what was going on.

She said, "You're trapped in a world gone wrong, and you don't know any better."

Her eyes were sad. She said we were soulmates but I already knew that. She said we were worlds apart but we didn't have to stay that way. That we could connect our realities and be together, in all the ways we needed and wanted.

When she smiled I felt flesh stirring below my stomach. I was getting hard, I wanted to touch her, to love her right then.

I stammered, "How did my world go wrong?"

She said I never should have married you. That things would have been better if I'd never met you. she said in her world we were together and wealthy. As if the boat wasn't proof enough of that. we lived with never a care in the world other than enjoying life together. She said she and I never fought. I believe her. I can't imagine raising my voice in anger against a woman so sweet and pure as her.

And I realized, how foolish I was to have ever thought I loved you. We argue about stupid, silly nonsense. And you're just not good enough for me. You're not a bad person, like I said I don't want to hurt you. But we just aren't soul mates, we weren't meant to be together. That's what told me.

I was meant to be with her, and in another reality-- I am with her. But not in this one.

I asked her what she meant when she said we could connect our realities.

But then you knocked on the fucking door-- you stupid CUNT! and she vanished.

When you opened the door to bring me a tuna sandwich I was livid.

But I deliberately didn't let that show.

I told you I wanted to clean without any interruptions and told you-- very kindly-- to go back downstairs.

You looked hurt. And I almost wanted to slap you.

You said, "Babe it's our anniversary. I love that you're working so hard on getting this room ready for our precious little one on the way, but come eat with me." You had this ugly pouty look in your face. I'd noticed it before, I used to think it was cute.

I didn't want to eat with you. I didn't want anything to do with you.

But I didn't see anyway to get you to shut up and leave me alone. So we ate together. I answered your inane questions with a dull yes or no, but you never seemed to get the hint. You started talking about the baby, whether I hoped for a boy or a girl. I said, "as long as they're healthy, I don't care."

You had this dreamy look in your face when you said, "I hope she's a girl."

Lunch could not end fast enough. I went back up to the room the first chance I got, and this time I had the presence of mind to tell you not to interrupt me AND to lock the door.

You seemed so obnoxiously bubbly when you called back, "Okay, just don't be late for dinner. I'm making something special to say thank you. And maybe for desert we can eat eachother."

I had to swallow back some vomit when you said that.

I went to the mirror, and she was there.

So intoxicatingly beautiful. Her beauty was more than just physicality. Every inch of her was stunning, but her eyes reflected my very soul. She had such confidence and such a powerful grace about her. I haven't seen her since I shattered the mirror, like she instructed. I know she's waiting for me to finish the final step. And I can't keep her waiting any longer. I will be with her, and you'll be nothing but a regrettable memory. She was right, when she said it would have been better if you and I had never met.

Not just for me, but also for you.

That first day I asked her how to join our worlds, like she'd hinted at.

She said I wasn't going to like the answer. That I was too good a person to want to go through with it, but that I must, to set things right.

You see how she believes in me? She really admires me, and thinks of me as truly good. You know she's said she can't wait to have kids with me?

I know that news might be kind of awkward for you, but try to be happy for me. I know you and I were on our way to having a child of our own, but I can see now that would have been a mistake. How could I have ever wanted to bring a child into this world with you?

that would have been wrong on so many levels. No child deserves to be birthed in a world gone wrong. I'm thankful that I found her in the mirror, so she could teach me how to set things right, before things got to far.

It's too bad I hadn't seen her before finding you. maybe you'd have found your soul mate and been living in a right world of your own.

Well she said the only way to fix my world was to reject the wrong part of it, that's you.

I told her, "Easy. I'll leave her."

She shook her head and sighed. She even cried for me. She said, "It's not that simple. Or that easy. I said you were too good to want to go through with it. This rejection demands utter rectification. A universal sacrifice."

She explained I had to kill you, as a sign of my commitment to a better, righter world.

I cried then. I don't know if I was crying for you or for me. She placed her hand against the glass, and I placed mine. We were separated. I wanted so badly to hold her. And said the same to me. She wanted to comfort me, through this. She said it would be the hardest time of my life, but the reward would be paradise with her.

She could see my hesitation. I told her you and I had a kid on the way, that you didn't deserve to die...

That maybe you and I had to make things work....

And she could see my dismay, at my own words.

She was wise though, wiser than me. She the very face of wisdom. She said, "Is it really worth making things work if you're not happy? Won't the kid you bring into the world see that? Does a child deserve that hurt? You deserve better than a wrong, unhappy world with a wife you do not love and a child who knows it."

The glass felt so cold between our fingers. I wanted to break through and hold her.

She said, "You're not ready yet, not ready to fix your world. But you will be. You will gain the courage."

She believed in me, more than I believed in myself.

she said step one was to shatter the mirror-- the barrier between my wrong world and her right one.

Then step two was to kill you-- to end my wrong world and merge myself with her right one.

And she said we could spend as much time talking about it as I wanted, till I worked up the nerve. But that until then I had to play along with you as though things were normal. She told me to have our anniversary dinner and pretend everything was wonderful-- to pretend I was happy.

She said I couldn't let on things were wrong here, because then you might leave. Don't worry about the fact I've emailed this letter to you. I cut your phone service and disabled your car, and I'm not sending this email until I'm at our door... so you won't be able to foolishly run. Perhaps my soul mate will think me a fool for explaining all this to you before killing you, but like I said: I was pretty confused. Kinda thought I was losing my mind hahahah!

But honestly, you're not a bad person. The only reason you deserve to die, is because you're the wrong woman for me, and us being together made everything wrong. You aren't guilty of anything other than being with the wrong man at the wrong time, as it were.

so I faked everything from our anniversary through this past week, just like she told me. It pained my heart to have intercourse with you. Each time I had to shower under scalding heat to get your scent off me. But she told me I had to fake everything. She said to just imagine her, while I was inside of you. I did my best, enough to get through it, but I felt so gross each and every time.

In part, I have this revulsion to thank. It drove me to complete step one last night. I shattered the mirror. It fractured my mind in ways I'd never imagined were possible. But after the debris settled I realized I'm saner now than I was before. I can hear her voice, guiding me. She's telling me it's okay I sent you this warning, but I have to be careful.

I'm on your doorstep now, and I'm gonna come in acting like things are normal-- that I just went out last night for some fresh air because I'm overwhelmed at the prospect of being a new dad. She says I should bring the laptop up to our room and ask you to come upstairs because we need to talk.

Then I'll lock the door without you seeing, and hit send. I'll tell you to read the email I sent to start our conversation, because there's stuff I didn't know how to say to you.

If you panic and try to run, I'll kill you and make things right and finally be with my dream girl. But I'm hoping you don't panic. I'm hoping you make it this far and realize that I'm only doing what I must for my own happiness. Maybe you can at the very least forgive me for killing you. Like I said, I'll try to make it painless.

Maybe you can even cooperate and let me kill you gently! I know this isn't the happy ending you or I envisioned when we said our vows. But this marriage was a sham, I was intended for the woman in the mirror, and if I had known then what I know now I never would have wasted your time.

So what do you say, can we do this the easy way?

If so you will have my thanks