When We Thought I Loved You

Of all the things that Shilo had expected to see this wasn’t it. He had wanted to show up to the reunion. Show up to see the teachers and some of the students he had missed. There weren’t a lot of them but there were a few. Especially the few teachers who helped him when he came out as trans to them. One of which came out as trans herself not that long after. But that wasn’t the main point right then.

What was the main point was the bullies who hurt him were there.

Milling about and not looking at him. A few of them seemed to be making a point not to glance in his direction. Which somewhat made him feel safe and invisible. For a few moments he thought that it would make this whole venture easier. Have those who made his high school life a living hell for so many years ignore him. Talk to those who were good friends and reminisce on what little good times he had at the school. As the entire time at high school wasn’t so bad. If he wasn’t remembering things with rosey red glasses. Though Shilo had the distinct feeling that it might be the case as he stood there. Looking at the one person that he had been the most terrified to see in their entire class.

George Platters.

This person was the worst of them all. He had spent his entire school years until they both graduated from a living, Hell. Though he still felt like it was his own fault for that. Since George and him had been dating for a year before he came out. It felt as though he strung him along their entire relationship. Since he honestly hadn’t felt the same as George had. Feeling like shit when they broke up. Not because Shilo came out as a trans man but thanks to the fact that he didn’t really love him. Sure, he cared about him as a good friend but there was no real attraction or love there. And he couldn’t be the person that George deserved. Afterwards George’s friends made him aware of how terrible he had been. Calling him all sorts of disgusting names associated with his transness. Hitting him in the halls when the teachers either weren’t looking or the ones who didn’t care were there. Throwing garbage at him. A few even spat on him. Either spitting on his clothes or one time spitting on his face.

Baiting him to kill himself more than once as well. Sending that through email and social media. Making webpages saying how ugly and gross he was. The night that they sent him the webpage listing how hideous he had sent him over the edge.

He attempted to end things and obviously didn’t succeed.

When news reached the school that he had attempted to end his life some of his bullies were sympathetic. Only a few though. Most of them were just angry that Shilo hadn’t succeeded with it. His ex was one of those people. Coming up to him when he came back to school with an angry look on his face. In the lowest tone possible to keep the teachers from hearing, George snapped,’Next time. Try getting a fucking gun and shooting yourself.’

‘We’d be all better off without your tranny ass.’,he added. Walking off before Shilo could properly process what he was saying. Stomach twisting as he got his stuff out of the locker. Stitches on his wrist were bandaged up tight. A part of him wishing he could just pull them out and be done with everything.

Not anymore but at the time he had.

For a second he hoped he would remain invisible. That way they wouldn’t have to speak to each other ever again. But unfortunately, fate decided to make George look in his direction. Both making eye contact for a long uncomfortable moment as Shilo’s guts began to twist. No, no, no. Why did this have to happen? This wasn’t fair. Biting his bottom lip as he took a step back. Then another and another. Right until he backed up into a nearby table. Slightly jostling things that were left on it before turning to run towards the door. Not wanting to stay a moment longer as he ignored people watching him. A few trying to reach out and stop him from running towards the exit of the gym. But he ignored them as he ran towards the door.

He thought he heard footsteps behind him but ignored it. Feeling that he couldn’t face whoever was on hot on his tail. All he wanted was to get out and go back to his hotel. Get absolutely trashed and sleep in until his flight back home. Never thinking about his ex-turned bully ever again. And hoping that George wouldn’t ever think about him either. He briefly wondered why in Hell he even agreed to come to this. There had always been a huge chance that he would run into George. Why oh why didn’t he realize this when he accepted the invite? It was so stupid to not even thoroughly think about him. Shilo kept berating himself for not thinking about this. For not planning on possibly running into him during the whole reunion. Gritting his teeth, Shilo mumbled,”Please don’t let him catch up. Please don’t let him catch up to me.”

“Please. Dear everything don’t let him catch up to me.”,he whined. Hating himself for being so weak about this. Being so scared of someone who he felt had a right to despise him. But couldn’t even face as he was too damn cowardly. Biting his bottom lip once more as he got to within a foot of the doors his shoulders were grabbed. Nearly yanking him off his feet as he was forcibly turned to face the person. A tiny squeek forcing itself from his throat as he stared into George’s eyes. Who looked somewhat nervous as he let go of Shilo. Holding his hands up as if he were trying to defend himself or something. Shilo crossed his arms over his chest as he tried to smile back at him. Feeling as though he were failing miserably, if George’s expression were any indication.

“Hello, Shilo. It’s really so good to see you.”,George stated. Tone full of false cheer as he lowered his hands. Settling them on his hips. One that Shilo recognized from the few times he was pretending to be his friend again. So that way he could just spread rumors about him to everyone. Making his guts twist hard. Trying to ignore this, he softly agreed,”Yes. It’s lovely seeing you after so long.”

“You look like you’re really doing well.”,Shilo complimented. And George did look like he had done well since high school. He had gotten a lot more buff than when they were kids. His brown hair had grown out and pulled into a high bun. Tan which looked great in his pale pink button up t-shirt. George was even wearing khaki shorts. In high school he said that he hated wearing shorts because he hated showing off his legs.

Guess he got over that.

“Thanks so are you.”,George complimented. It was clear that he hadn’t meant that. His tone was too sweet to be sincere. Shilo wished he hadn’t worn the rainbow button up shirt, torn black jeans, and rainbow shoes. Or even unbuttoning the shirt to show off his white undershirt. Hated that his hair was so short and such a bright blue. Toying with his shirt, Shilo stated,”Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say.”

Too kind. He didn’t deserve it. Trying to keep his smile on his face as he nearly took a step back. Resisting the urge to do so, George really hadn’t done anything to him. Aside from grabbing his shoulder when he didn’t want him to. Shilo informed,”I should get going. I have a super early flight in the morning, and I really need to get to bed.”

“You just got here. Please just stay a little while longer.”,George pleaded. The tone of his voice sounded somewhat remorseful. It seemed like he really wanted Shilo to stay there and speak with him. Spend time with him. A small part of him wanted that he couldn’t lie. Then the memories of him trying to goad Shilo into committing suicide flashed over his mind. Frowning he tried to ignore this as shook his head. Softly, George added,”Everyone’s been dying to see you again after you’ve been gone for so long.”

“Yeah, no sorry. I really can’t stay, I’m sorry.”,Shilo added. Every one of his friends? There was no way that Shilo could handle them. They were the ones who got physical with him. The one that spat on his face, Elizabeth, was watching them at that moment. Her expression was one of pure unadulterated hatred. Making his guts twist into the tightest knot that it had ever been in his life. He tore his gaze away from her as he continued,”I just think it’d be wiser to go back to the hotel room if needed.”

“Hey, I promise that everything is gonna be fine.”,George insisted. Grabbing Shilo’s upper arm tightly before he could even think of rejecting it. Starting to drag him towards his old group of friends with a large smile on his face. One that sent an icy cold shiver of fear down Shilo’s spine as they walked towards them. Calmly, he informed,”They all can’t wait to see you again, Shi.”

His saying his nickname after so many years made him bristle. It was something he even used when he was mocking Shilo. Along with his group of merry assholes who were watching them approach with varying levels of interest and disgust. Making Shilo feel even more like a bug than when he was a dumb teenager. Wishing that the ground would swallow him up. That the very gates of Hell itself could tug him down to it and keep him there. Anywhere but being forced to walk towards the very people who hurt him. Probably would hurt him once again if they were feeling like it. And he did his best to fake a grin when they reached all five of George’s friends. George stated,”Hey guys. Look who it is. Shi! Doesn't he look cool?”

There were murmurs of platitudes that weren’t well meant. Half-hearted compliments that made his skin crawl. Why did he come to this again? Shilo absolutely wished he stayed home and eat cookie dough ice cream from the carton while watching trash T.V.

Watching drama was better than being in the middle of it.