Trapped

I am lost. Not physically, I know exactly where I am in terms of location, I am just lost. As I gaze around at cracking beige paint on the same four walls, the realisation dawns on me that I am not only lost, but trapped too. Like a bird surrounded by the bars on containment, being crushed by the weight of all the darkness in the world. How could I possible feel both lost and trapped?

These emotions are complex, they're not new, just more intense. I can't pull myself out of the dark void in which I can feel forming around me.

But this void, it's not in my head, I can't just feel it, I can see it. The more I concentrate on the fog, the darker the room becomes. I feel a force dragging me deeper, the pain is excruciating. This fog is not a brain fog, this is real fog and it is heavy. And suddenly, I am lost for real and more trapped than I had ever imagined.

A bitter chill came over my body, I am somewhere different now. I no longer recognise the cold and dark surroundings I am a part of. I try to move my right leg to no avail, it is completely paralysed; so I try my left. The left hurts, an indescribable pain shoots through my whole body. I can hear something or someone outside of the shelter I am in, it is probably him. The fog is clearing and everything is beginning to make sense. I'm in the shed and he is finally going to do what he said he would. Finally, the plan I have heard him recite over and over is going to come into fruition.

What did I do? Why was I stuck with a man who wouldn't know love if it punched him in the face? Punched in the face with the same force that he delivers weekly. I knew I should have left, but those four walls are all I've ever known, even now, I find myself longing to be staring at those four walls.

Halloween is around the corner, this used to be my favourite time of the year. I used to stay up late and watch horror films all night, binging on sweets and chocolate. Now the scariest thing I could ever imagine is happening to me, here and now. I need to get away.

I try my legs again, I manage to bend my left leg up and used my arms to push up onto my knees. I realise that my husband had clearly been dragging me across the floor, my knees were bloodied to a pulp. He thought he'd done a good enough job I guess, but useless as always, he had not locked the shed or tied me up. I heard my mothers voice inside my head, "time to run".

Running. Never my strong suit.

Half crawling, half running, a glimmer of hope flickered before me, like the candle flickering on the kitchen windowsill. I feel almost calm, and then... thump.

The voice in my head is back but this time only, it's not my mother, it is him. He's come up behind me and I know this is the end. He's not saying a word as he holds up a hammer, but I can hear him loud and clear in my head.

"To have and to hold...", thump.

"For better, for worse...", thump.

"for richer, for poorer...", thump.

"In sickness and in health...", thump.

"'Till death us do part...", thump.

And suddenly, it is dark again but I am trapped no longer.