Tales From Hell

“GRANDMAMA"

"My Grandmama died. They want me to kiss my dead Grandmama.

I am nine years old. No fooking way!"

What nine-year-old kid wants to go to a funeral?

Even it if was Grandmama's wake.

I had comic BOOKS to read, movies to see, TV shows to watch, little girls to tease and Tonka TRUCKS that had to be destroyed.

Fook a funeral!

I dreaded funerals!

But my mother was making me go whether I wanted to go or not.

Grandmama was cool when she was alive.

She was my favorite Grandmother even though I killed her cat by mistake and she never knew it. She always had a smile and 'treat' for her two favorite grandsons!

It was night time too. We had to go to what they called a 'wake.'

I was awake alright and ready to jump out of the car.

We arrived at the church and my mother wanted me to go in alone to pay my respects since I was her favorite. I wished I wasn't her favorite now! I was only nine years old and this was as close to death as I wanted to be!

Well I didn't mind being her favorite as long as she was alive! Now that she was dead I didn't want anything to do with her!

She was at the end of the long aisle that went down the church corridor. I thought it would take me forever to get to her coffin. The aisle seem to go into eternity.

The more I walked, the longer it took me to get down the aisle, like it was expanding with each step I took, getting longer and longer. And it was really creepy and it was dark and drab like in an old Catholic church you see in vampire movies. The candles made these menacing shadows on the wall and the windows were tinted with stain glass, but the angels in them did not bring me any comfort at all.

There were flowers everywhere. The flowers only reminded me of death.

I have never seen a dead body in my whole life before, and outside of movies, and TV I did not want to see any.

Why didn't the fook they just cremate her?

"Now just walk down the aisle and give your Grandmama one last kiss." My mom said sweetly.

Was my mother out of her fooking mind?!

As soon as I took one look at her corpse I was the fook out of there.

I don't do dead people well

.

I was halfway down the aisle when my imagination kicked in and I saw vampires and werewolves and ghosts, with those fooking angels flying around my head turning into demons like in the ending part of 'Raiders Of The Lost Ark'.

'Oh, baby Jesus, get me through this one!' I said to myself.

The double door closed behind me like I had been sentenced to a cell on Death Row.

I felt like I was in a tomb with her. We both were buried alive! Oh, fook!

Her head slowly started coming into view as I got closer to the coffin.

She certainly was at peace and her face was made up the way it was on Sunday school day except it was almost white with all that caked on makeup! White like a ghost! She looked like the Joker.

And she had this ghastly grin on her face like that guy in the 'Reefer Madness' movie, except she was black and her eyes were closed. Mom wouldn't know if I really kissed Grandmama or not, so. I LOOKED at her, and pretend to kiss her, and I was the fook out of there now!

I blew Grandmama a kiss, hoped it hit her forehead, didn't give a fook if it didn't, it was time to make tracks! Feet don't fail me now!

I turned and made faster steps out of there than the Roadrunner!

I felt relieved as I nearer the door. Whew! I made it that far!

I was out of breath, and kneeling over when suddenly I felt a tap on my left shoulder from the back of the church. The hair on my arms stood to attention!

Now you would think that I did a new rendition of the boo-a-loo dance, as I nearly busted the door down getting the fook out of there!

But I froze. I was petrified!

An electrical charge went down my spine and the hair on the back of my neck stood up on end. Goosebumps broke out all over my skin and I started to sweat.

"'Something touch meh tail!", the cat said. I remembered that caption from a poster with a scared cat on it.

My sentiments exactly.

It was an icy touch. Like a long, hard, decrepit fingernail that had not disintegrated yet.

I finally turned to see what touched me.

Slowly I turn around. It couldn't be who I thought it was...

And there was Grandmama hovering over me, her face inches from mine. Her eyes were flaring like fire and her head was five times as big as normal.

AND she had that Joker's grin on her face. Inches from my face, I turned whiter than she was!

I screamed a blood-curdling scream and pooped my pants!

I ran down the aisle like the devil himself was after me!

Never made it out the door.

"I told you I would never leave you!" Grandmama said.

"You thought I didn't know you killed my cat!" She laughed again,

her hearty laugh.

Everything faded to black.

--------------------------------

"Oh, my God!"

My mother rushed over to my lifeless corpse.

"Somebody help me. Call an ambulance!"

It was too late.

I was gone.

I had an aneurysm and died instantly of fear.

But I made it to heaven and met Grandmama there petting that darn cat.

We both laughed as we sat down to a pitcher of ice cold lemonade to laugh and talk for an Eternity.

But on earth, Grandmama had the last laugh after all.

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