Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf' (2015)

Where do I begin on this silly mess of absolute nonsense? It comes down to the important question. Was this, intentional pile of dog shit, an entertaining pile of dog shit? Does a little kid hit the dog shit and slide across the lawn? Or does the pile of dog shit just sit there, till it get's hard, and turns white? Well, it was hit and miss. It was more like the little kid running around the yard, nearly missing the dog shit, keeping up the spectacle, because you know he's gonna step on it at some point, but when he did, it was kinda just a head nod.

There was a ton of silly characters in this movie, least of all the two creatures featured in this creature feature. Now, if you've seen the Sharktopus movies, you might already be familiar with them, but I wanted head in completely blind. You have an evil German(ish) scientist, who is out to create the perfect creature through gene splicing (apparently who is already responsible for creating the Sharktopus). You have her candy stripper sidekick, because there wasn't enough T&A in the movie already. A voodoo priest who is trying to control the Sharktopus with the cutest damn Sharktopus voodoo doll. There's some kind of Telemundo knock off of The Bachelor. And then there's the charter boat captain who has a blood alcohol content of "yes." Followed by his sleepy sidekick who I was never sure if he was supposed to be clinically brain damaged or a really offensive stereotype of Latinos.

Of course, the acting for all of the characters is hammy as fuck and all over the top. The acting does need to be as silly as the character roster. No fucking atmosphere to speak of. Likely because they blew all the money on shit CG and set locations. The story is as incoherent as you would expect it to be. They didn't shoe horn stuff into the plot, so much as they force fed it like a foie grass goose. I mean, fuck, a creature feature with mad scientists, Voodoo, police chases, gang fights, military action, and Telemundo reality TV? Did someone recover one of the scripts I wrote when I was six? Probably not. That would've involved chainsaws.

I do recommend this movie to hardcore horror heads and riffers. It's a hoot!

SPOILERS!!!

My fucking, god man. Do I get mad at the fact that they kill off a minority first in this movie? I mean, most of the actors are minorities, but the male lead is a white guy ... I don't know. The bar is so low I'm not sure it matters.

Anyway, the Sharktopus eats a lady on this guys boat and the cops throw him in jail because he's a local drunk and nobody believes there's a Sharktopus. His sleepy partner borrows money from a voodoo gang lord to bail him out of jail and wants the captain to hunt the Sharktopus so he can eat its heart or control it or—fucked if I know. Then there's this scientist lady who talks like Edna Mode from The Incredibles and she wants to splice some has-been former baseball star's DNA with an orca and a wolf. Then there's the cop friend of the drunk sea captain guy, and she tries to get the government involved, and they have a showdown at the local baseball stadium between the Sharktopus and the Whalewolf.

Fuck, it was jam packed with nonsense. My only complaint is that it's so incoherent, it's hard to keep track of anything.

There were fantastic scenes like where the Whalewolf uses the Sharktopus like a fucking speed bag, or where the Sharktopus went straight up Larry Stooge on the drunk sea captain. Or the fact that the sea captain knows a secret kung-fu art that solely involves nut shots.

I kinda wish they did more with some things? Like there was this one character who had her genes spliced with a sea cucumber and they didn't do anything fun with it. There was the Bachelor spoof that was just kinda going on in the background. Would have been fun to tie that in somehow. Like maybe if they had the lady cop infiltrate the show because the Sharktopus kept eating the contestants.

I can't believe I'm actually saying they could've gone further with the zaniness. In the standard 90-minute film, could they have stuffed in any more crap? Would have been fun though.

So yeah. This was fun and with tons of riff worthy material.