Reed Alexander's Horror Review of 'Blood Glacier' (2013)

Ehh, it was kinda cute. It might have actually been an okay movie if it wasn't for the down right abysmal English dubbing. Does anyone remember the original Resident Evil? not the movie, the video game for the Playstation. Remember the just AWFUL dialogue they dubbed into that video game? Yeah, that's pretty much the standard you should expect in this movie, at least the English dubbed version of the movie. But you know? It’s actually kind of cute. It pushes this movie from bad to good-bad.

I don't know, I kept thinking, maybe it'd actually be good if it was in its native Austrian, instead of English... but then the rubber monsters might make it a bit difficult to take seriously even still. But that's the thing, I like rubber monsters. The sillier, sometimes the better, and again, these were kinda charming, because they were so silly. So, maybe this movie was suffering from taking itself too seriously? I feel like they wanted this to be genuinely good horror, and just didn’t have the means. With the English dubbing, and rubber monsters, it's perfect riffing material to say the least. Maybe the problem is the seriousness of the dubbing, coupled with the level of suck it brings to the table, which only highlights the silliness of the rubber monsters, and with it, the riff worthiness of the movie. You know what though, it was fun.

So, I can’t speak to the acting, because of the dubbing. The silliness of dubbing, highlights the bad practical effects. There’s multiple plot holes as you’ll see spoilers. But... it all ties together nicely as perfectly bad.

But, there's just one more thing I want to address...

SPOILERS!!!

Okay... so the glacier looks like its dripping blood because of a red single-celled organism that acts as a genetic amalgamation foundry. Basically, if any creature ingests this red organism, it will take the host's DNA, plus the DNA of anything it ate, and produce a mutation of the two. A fox eats a beetle, you get a beetle-fox. A hawk eats a wasp, you get a hawk-wasp. A bear eats goat, you get goat-bear. Okay, you get the point.

Let me get to my question... So at the end of the movie, the main male lead's dog dies, and produces a human-dog. Now, the dog wasn't exactly eating any humans, so how did the DNA get inside the dog. Were they trying to say that this guy was fucking his dog? I mean, it sure is lonely up in them there hills, and I'm not judging. I'm just saying there are few ways of interpreting the scenario. The dog didn't produce a half dog, half chicken abomination from eating its dog food, it produced a human-dog. So where are they trying to suggest the human DNA came from? Maybe dead skin? It does beg the question, how much DNA is required to produce an amalgamation? They don’t really address that, and in fact, the red organism starts working any way the director clearly thought would be the most creepy, rather than the way it’s supposed to.

When a mosquito bit one guy, that should have made "Man-Squito," am I right? Instead, the guy starts growing huge blisters that squish out dozens more regular mosquito. In one case, they pull some sort of evil mutant clam out of one victim, but it's not like a half human, half clam. It's just a gross looking clam. So how the fuck is this shit supposed to work? Idontfuckingknow, I'm likely overthinking it.

That being said, I still think the guy fucked his dog...

Good riff material, silly at times, but generally takes itself too seriously. It’s exactly what you’d expect from a movie that calls itself Blood Glacier. Pretty fun.