Raindrop

~

There wasn’t anything Ryan could do to stop Emily from dying. Nothing he could say that could’ve stopped her from doing what she did.

He started to tremble against himself as the rain pitter-pattered against his window. Every drop of rain felt like a new tear coming from his own eyes, like it was crying for him. Ryan hates remembering that night again and again. But what are nightmares for, right?

Her screams...Her cries...Her calling out his name…

Ryan shakes himself furiously, wanting it all to stop. Why can’t these flashes go away?! Why?! He sighs, forcing himself to stop shaking, like he taught himself to.

As the rain still goes on, Ryan laid his head against the window. He watched as a single raindrop streaked it’s way down to the bottom. Slowly...Slowly it went, like the way his heart was slowly tearing apart. He closes his eyes, just listening to the rain, but also, the silence.

The silence that seems to strangle his soul, his very existence. But what is there of his existence, if she isn’t alive? If she were here right now, she would make his sadness turn upside down. She would make it all better. Emily...She was the one...As sleep starts to take over, Ryan couldn’t handle fighting it anymore.

He needed to rest...Needed to sleep...Needed to...Be free…

~

“Emily?” Ryan’s scared, shaky voice says, carrying out in the empty house that was her home. Where was everybody? Usually the house was never this quiet… “Emily?” Ryan calls out louder, more strongly.

He goes through every room he knew she would probably be in, but not in one that he looked was she in. He sighs, chewing on his bottom lip. He pulls out his phone, texting her once more, wondering where she is. They had a date that night. It was to be the first one for their friendship to turn into something more. But where was she now?

As he sent the text, a single ping sounded from afar in the house. That was Emily’s ringtone, that single ping...Ryan followed where he heard it. But no one was there. Hm...He tried calling her number. Her catchy, but annoying, ringtone was sounding off. Shrill, loud, shrieking was coming from the bathroom. Ryan was hesitant on knocking. What if she was taking a bath? Using the bathroom? About to shower? Doing...What, exactly?

It’s past seven, which was the time they were supposed to meet up. What could she possibly be doing? Ryan knocked without a second thought. “Emily? Are you in there?” He asks, trying to hear a response. But there was none. “Emily, are you okay?” Still, nothing. Ryan decided to open the door. But what if it was locked? What if she wasn’t in there, but her phone was? She did tend to forget things in the most obvious places. But...Where is she then?

Throwing those thoughts away, he grabs the knob, and turns it, surprised, as it opens wide.

~

Ryan jolts awake, sweat drenching his body, tears already filling into his eyes, forcing sobs out of him, his body rocking back and forth. He bit onto his lip so hard, he started to taste blood. Tears were making the hole in his lip sting. At least it was better than nothing. Pain is pain...Rubbing his eyes raw, he tries to control himself.

The rain was now gone, the sun now peeking out through dainty clouds floating in the sky. He sighs, banging his head against the window. Why was everything so hard now...Why does everything have to be this way? Why does it feel like the world is targeting just him?

Ryan forces himself off his bed, trying to recover himself before dinner with his family. What else to do than fake the everyday life that others know of you? Walking down the stairs to the kitchen, he hears his father before he sees him.

“Hey Kiddo. Sleep well?”

Ryan kind of stops in his tracks, and shrugs, not sure how to answer. Ryan didn’t feel comfortable over the fact that his dad has to, on some nights, force himself awake from his nightmares because he starts screaming in the middle of it all.

His dad, of course, doesn’t know what it is, but knows it’s related to Emily.

Everybody knows Emily died last year, but nobody knew what really happened. Only Ryan saw it...He saw what she did, saw what had happened, saw why she did it. But he could never tell the truth.

Or else, the world would be targeting him.

“I was gonna order pizza tonight. Your mom isn’t feeling well.”

Ryan puts on a smile, but inside, he felt sad. “That’s okay Dad. Pizza’s fine.”

Other than the fact that Ryan was being haunted by Emily’s death, his own mom was going through cancer. They didn’t know how it happened, but the cancer took hold of her fast. Ryan couldn’t handle it, not with everything going on in his head. “Call me when the pizza gets here.”

“Sure thing Kiddo.”

Ryan goes back to his room, every step heavier than the other. It feels like he’s being controlled, his feet were cement, holding him down from doing the things he wants. Wants...But will he ever have it?

~

“Ryan…” A weak Emily says under her breath.

“Oh my god, Emily.” Ryan rushes to Emily, but he doesn’t touch her, too scared to touch her.

“Ryan...I’m...So...Sorry…”

“No, no, it’s okay Emily, don’t apologize. I have to get you to a hospital.”

Emily reaches out for his arm, her arm, her bloody arm...Held onto his weakly. “Please, don’t…”

“Why not Emily?! Don’t you see you need help!?”

“Ryan, I did this to...Myself...If I wanted...Help...I would’ve asked…”

Ryan’s eyes flashed with hurt, pain swirling inside him, but also...Anger. “I don’t help you Emily?”

She looked up into his eyes, blood slowly coming out of her nose. “No Ryan...You don’t…”

~

“Ryan, wake up!”

Ryan struggles awake, his covers seeming ten times heavier than they were before he passed out.

“Ryan, it’s okay. It’s just a nightmare.”

Ryan opens his eyes slowly, his dad’s blurry figure coming into view. “Dad…?”

“Yeah, it’s me Kiddo.”

Ryan rubs his eyes, tears stained on his cheeks. “I’m sorry I woke you again.”

“You’re fine. Are you okay?”

Ryan shoves his covers back, trying to breathe and calm himself down. “Yeah, Dad, I’m fine.”

His dad looked at him, pity in his eyes.

“What?”

“I want to help you Kiddo.”

A flash of pain spiked inside him, but he quickly recovered. “Dad, I’m fine. You can go back to bed. Go be with Mom, she needs you.”

Ryan’s dad struggles with his words, but only decides to nod.

After his dad left, Ryan grabbed a fistful of his hair and pulled hard, biting down onto his lip to stop the scream forcing its way out of inside him.

Pain, anger, hurt, all formed into one, settled inside him. His heart couldn’t handle anymore...Why did this have to continue? Why does this have to still hurt? Why is it that everything seems to be working but his own self?

Getting up, he grabs his notebook, not planning on going back to sleep tonight, and, picking up a pen, he starts to write.

~

Ryan couldn’t help but feel his jaw drop at Emily’s words. He didn’t help her?...Doesn’t help...Her? Anger flared throughout his chest more and more as the words settled into his mind, his heart. “If I don’t help you, then who does Emily, huh?” Ryan looks around for towels, only to find none.

She really had this all planned out…

Ryan shrugs his hoodie off and wraps it around both her wrists, trying to stop the blood from pouring, anything to stop her eyes from fading away as fast as they are.

“I..I don’t know Ryan...It’s always just been..Me…”

Ryan tried to keep his composure, but every word she said was only raising the anger he felt towards her. Anger enough to let her die…

~

“NO!” Ryan forces himself awake, sweat drenching his body, constricting his chest as he breathes heavily. His pen and notebook were still in his lap. He reads the last thing he wrote before he dozed off.

You killed her Ryan.

Without even thinking, Ryan threw his notebook across the room, hitting a lamp along the way, crashing into his closet door, sending it down to the floor, popping it off to where there was no light in his room anymore.

“Ryan? Are you okay?” His dad’s voice echoed throughout the house as he got closer to his room.

“Yeah, Dad, I’m fine.”

But despite him responding, his dad barged into his room, worry and panic crossing his features. “What’re you doing Kiddo?”

“Nothing.” Ryan mumbles, wanting his dad to leave him alone. Why can’t he ever leave him alone, let him be, let him succumb into this never ending void?

His dad looked at the lamp on the floor, and he sighs. “Kiddo, I think you should see somebody.”

Ryan’s head jerks up so fast, the world started to turn. “W-what?”

“Ryan, I think you should see a therapist.”

“But...Why?”

“Emily’s death was really hard on you, I know. But with that, and with your Mom being sick, we can’t risk having you destroy yourself the way you have.”

So his dad has noticed his behavior...Ryan thought he was hiding it well, apparently not so. “I don’t want to go though Dad.”

His dad sighs loudly, long, then goes to Ryan’s side, and places a hand on his shoulder. “I know you don’t, but do it for Emily, alright? Do it for me, for your Mom. We need you here, but we need you here being strong for us, okay?”

Ryan really didn’t want to have this conversation with his dad right now. He never wants to talk to his dad about anything, doesn’t want to talk to anybody. Not since Emily…

“Sorry Dad, but I can’t. Not yet, that is.”

His dad nodded once, trying to understand, but couldn’t. After his dad left his room, Ryan picked up his notebook that was under the lamp. He opened back up to what he last wrote.

Day after day, you’re useless to this world. You can’t even sleep without having that nightmare, huh? But it’s not a nightmare Ryan. It’s the truth. Your truth. And you will relive it everyday until you can’t no more. I hope it eats you alive, because her death? It’s your fault. You’re the reason why she’s dead, why she’s gone, why she’s no longer here. You expect her random calls about one of her shows, her books, her movies. You expect her random texts about whenever she needs you. But guess what? She never needed you, remember? You were just someone there along the way that got caught up in her trap, huh? You killed her Ryan.

~

Ryan releases pressure on her wrists, but Emily barely seemed to notice as her eyes were dimming. “You know what Emily?”

Emily was barely conscious at this point, but still tried to stay to listen.

“What…?”

“I loved you, you know.”

Emily stirred slightly, confusion spreading across her face. “You...Loved me?” There was a slight hope to her voice as she started to finally realize it, started to realize everything Ryan has done, and did for her. But she realized too late.

“Yea, Emily. I did. Now? You don’t need me, right? I don’t help you, right? You don’t love me, right?”

Emily was starting to feel frustrated, but was too weak to fight back, far too weak now, as the blood kept pouring out. And now that Ryan had let go completely, the blood was pouring faster from the pressure he held there, but was now gone.

The pressure that could’ve saved her.

“Ryan...No...Don’t do this…”

“Do what, Emily? Have you feel like that you had somebody there for you all the time? Have somebody that you felt was the one, but apparently wasn’t? Have someone to fall for, but never was fallen for back? Is that what you want me to do?” Ryan laughs softly, as though somebody else was taking over him.

Emily couldn’t understand this, wouldn’t understand.

“Guess what Emily? You got what you wanted.”

At those words, Ryan turns on his heels, leaving his bloody hoodie behind for her to hold as she dies. For her to smell his scent as she fades away. For her to remember, remember him, as she loses herself to what she did.

~

Mom and Dad,

I’m sorry that it has to come to this. That you’re going to lose your only child. But you already lost him a long time ago, huh? I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong like you kept telling me to be, begging me to be, pleading me to be. I can’t have this haunting me any longer, I just can’t. You want the truth? I’ll tell you the truth. I’m the reason why Emily’s gone, why she’s dead. I was there...I was there when she was dying. And what did I do? I let her die...You might not believe me, but it’s true. The nightmares I have, the screaming during these endless nights, the in and out of focus that I do towards you, towards me...It’s all because of what I did. But I must go now...She’s waiting for me, I know it. Maybe now, we can both finally find peace with our decisions. Maybe I’ll go to Hell for what I did, or maybe I’ll go to Heaven for doing this to myself, who knows, maybe there’s an in-between I can wander in until my time comes again in this world. I love you, both of you. Don’t ever think this is your fault, because it’s not. It’s mine. Mom, I hope your cancer goes away, I hope you can smile again without forcing it, I hope you can be happy again. Dad, I hope your stress goes away, I hope you can find your path again, I hope you, also, can be happy again. Goodbye for now. Maybe in the next world, we’ll find another again. Hopefully it doesn’t turn out like this again…

I love you,

Ryan

~

The next morning, Ryan’s dad makes coffee like he usually does before he starts his actual morning. He starts to make his wife’s breakfast, hoping she’ll eat more today than she did yesterday. Silence was growing between the space he was in.

Where was his son? Why wasn’t he up yet? He should be up...He always gets up whenever he does. Maybe he overslept? Maybe he’s finally getting all the rest he’s been missing out on from the nightmares, the screaming.

He didn’t hear him scream once in the night…

As he takes his wife’s tray of food to her, he leans his ear against his son’s door. It’s quiet. Too quiet…

Shrugging it off, he takes his wife’s food to her and kisses her forehead gently.

“Where’s Ryan?” Her whispery voice asks.

“I think he’s sleeping.”

“Still?”

“I think so.”

“Could you check on him for me?”

“Sure thing Honey.” He kisses his wife gently before making his way down the hall to his son’s room.

He knocks once.

“Hey Kiddo, you up?” But there wasn’t a response.

He knocked twice. “Ryan?” Still nothing.

Three knocks.

Three knocks was code for that he was going to come into his room if he was awake to give him time to do whatever his teenage son needed to do before he opened the door.

With still no response, his dad turns the knob, and opens the door.

~

End…

~