Not Entirely Gone

I feel tears dripping down my cheeks as Beau walks away. I feel the agony of every heartbreak I’ve ever had, all of them crowding around me at once. Beau was the one… I’d been sure the moment he first took my hand in his. He’d been so sure of himself, yet resistant. He’d told me the moment we met that he wouldn’t be able to stay long, that someday he’d have to go… he’d have to leave me. I should’ve listened to him, but I didn’t. I wanted to believe what we had would be enough for him to stay.

It clearly wasn’t…

I close my eyes tightly and clench my fists. How could he let me fall for him like that? Why would he have ever kissed me? There were even moments I swore our kiss held magic in it. Every touch, every meeting of our eyes, every kiss… God, I fell more and more. He should’ve known better than to let me fall if he really was not going to stay. Who freaking does that?

I scoff coldly, opening my eyes and looking back at the spot he stood only moments ago. I thought he was going to tell me he loved me… that he would ask me… ugh! I roll my eyes and pick up my discarded bag. None of this matters. I don’t need him. I don’t…

I pull out my cellphone and scroll through, ready to delete every text, to delete his number… but my phone shows no signs of him. I freeze right there. Did… did he freaking delete himself from my phone??? Asshole! I went to type in his number, the one I knew by heart, but suddenly as I went to type it in, I realized I couldn’t bring to mind a single number. A cold shiver goes down my spine and my hand drops. I stare back towards where Beau had gone… where I should still be able to see him walking since there’s only one path out of the park… but he’s not on it. He’s not even in the field on either side of the path. He’s just… gone.

I feel suddenly crazy as I stumble backwards, my foot splashing into the water. I turn to look at my soaked sneaker, and then as I look back at the little gazebo Beau had prepared with candles and hanging flowers… but my breath catches in my chest. The gazebo is empty and dark, the setting sun just reiterating how dark the world is around me. No flowers. No candles. No Beau… yet he was here. That was real. I… I didn’t make him up. I… I couldn’t have.

*********

1 and a half years later

I tap my fingers on the leather couch of my therapist’s office. She smiles at me over her designer glasses that I probably helped pay for from our stupidly expensive sessions. It was my choice to be here though… I’d never pushed my family or friends about Beau after the first time they all stared at me in confusion saying I’d never dated a Beau… that’s all I needed to hear. I never mentioned him again, and I started seeing Dr. Hailey Hannasey. I’ve seen her every Wednesday for a year and a half.

“So, Faylie, how is your week going so far?” she asks in her gentle, knowing voice, her hands folded gracefully in her lap. Not a care in the world… or she’s good at pretending she has no cares.

I close my eyes tightly and fake a smile, “It’s been going fine.”

She softly laughs and I peek up at her. Her grin is warm and inviting, “You’re getting better at pretending you’re fine, but, generally, scrunching your eyes before faking a smile isn’t going to convince anyone.”

I smirk back at her and chuckle. I release the tension in my body and nod, “Ok, so it wasn’t fine… It’s the anniversary of when I first met Beau, and I just… I’m struggling.”

I see the pity briefly flash through Dr. Hailey’s eyes, and I grit my teeth. “Fay… I know we’ve discussed this before, but on this anniversary, I think it’s important to discuss it again.”

I clench my eyes closed again and scrunch my jaw, “You mean the fact I’m still mourning a relationship that didn’t even happen? That I imagined it?”

She sighs softly, “Faylie, maybe it’s time to ask yourself why you created Beau in the first place. Maybe over the next few months, we can even figure out why your mind not only made him up but why you then also created his breakup.”

A familiar lump forms in my throat, a stone in my stomach. Since her and I first discussed the only obvious fact… that I must’ve created Beau in my mind. It doesn’t feel right… because he still feels too real, even now. How can I have such solid memories if he wasn’t real?

“Right…” My voice comes out small.

She nods with a compassionate gaze, “It’s ok Fay. You aren’t the first person to have this sort of delusion.” The word makes my heart literally ache. I meet her eye, and I know mine are filled with unshed tears, “It’s ok. Though you are a young woman, at 26 you were watching various friends find Happily Ever After, while you had yet to even find your first love.” I glare out the window, “Your mind felt it necessary to create the perfect man…”

I shake my head, quickly standing. “I can’t do this…” I gasp out the words, feeling overwhelmed this time.

“Fay…” Her tone is conciliatory, bordering on worried.

I quickly pick up my bag and coat, shaking my head still as tears start to spill over my cheeks, “I don’t think this is helping, Hailey…” I huff out a miserable sigh. “The medicine you’ve given me doesn’t change anything in regards to my memories of Beau, and they just make me feel depressed, where I’ve never been depressed in my life. I don’t feel like me, and yet the pills don’t do anything helpful. And though I like talking to you, I have no more clarity today about Beau than I did the day he disappeared…”

“Faylie…” her voice is more stern, like when a parent is trying to make you see the error of your ways, while still showing that they care.

I huff out a sigh, “I know… ok?” I gasp out the words with agony, “I am aware I sound crazy. I know that logically a man can’t disappear without anyone else knowing, but he did. And I guess I’ll just have to live with that… but this…” I point between her and me, “It’s not helping me. This makes me feel crazier. I need to move on, and talking to you isn’t helping me with that… because you can’t help me move on…” I say sobbing, and I notice an ache in her eyes, “Because it is your duty to fix the delusional girl…” I wipe my tears forcefully, “Thank you Haylie… for all you’ve done, even just being a friend for me, even if you weren’t actually.” I huff out a softer breath, “I have appreciated you.”

She stands to follow, “Fay, please… I don’t want you to leave like this.” She hurries out with a compassionate tone.

I don’t stop for her though. No one in my family knows I’ve been seeing her either, and she doesn’t have anyone’s phone numbers in my family. She won’t be able to get a hold of me unless she looks into my hospital resources, which I can’t fathom is legal.

It was right for me to leave though… she wasn’t helping. Nothing helped… I had no choice but to treat this like a normal breakup now. I’d never move past this if I try to convince myself he never existed. Whether he was somehow just a figment of my imagination, he felt real.

I scrambled to my car, even after I heard my phone chime twice. I already knew it was Dr. Haylie… so I ignored it. I hate that this is all happening. I wish I hadn’t even met Beaumont Caulter.

“Hey Fay…”

I drop my keys and the world suddenly moves in slow motion as I look up to see Beau standing there, leaning against my car. My breath catches in my chest, just like it did the first time I met him. His golden hair glows in the sunlight, bringing out those warm honey eyes that used to transport me to another world… one filled with light and magic and freedom. I remember feeling like a different person when I looked into his eyes.

I gape at him… and I even take in the darker glint to his eye, making him look rougher--along with the black shirt he wears paired with the dark jeans. He used to only wear light colors, usually earth tones. It’s odd to see my good ‘ol boy looking so rough, almost hard. “Beau…?” I can’t breathe. This can’t be happening.

He smiles back at me with a knowing glint in his eyes that is overwhelmingly sexy. “Good to see you.” he grins, and I notice the shadow of a beard growing on his chin.

I just gape, because I don’t know what else to do. “How the hell are you here?”

He purses his lips but offers that disarming smirk again, and warmth fills my body, though it doesn’t feel natural. It feels like someone is trying to make me feel warm and fuzzy… which is absurd. “I came to see you…”

I glare at him, blinking rapidly to see if he suddenly disappears, but then he’s strutting towards me in a way that is both familiar and new. I stumble backward, tripping over the lip of the curb. I gasp, but before I can fall, he’s pulling me to my feet and into his arms. His scent fills my senses and I close my eyes, falling into him for just a moment. He’s here… he’s real. I’m not crazy.

“Where did you go?” I whisper against his firm chest. I find I’m shivering as if I’m cold even though the spring sun is warming me from all sides. The smell of cherry blossoms tries to push out Beau’s familiar smell, but I hold onto him tighter. If I let go... he might disappear into thin air again.

He chuckles softly, pulling me into his arms firmly, and, all of a sudden, I feel as though his bravado and cool-guy facade breaks just a little. He sighs as if with relief, “I’m sorry…” is all he replies.

I shiver, forcing myself to step away, “Beau, where did you go? The entire world thinks I’m a psycho because I’m the only one that remembered you…” I bite my lip and his gaze darkens as he watches the movement, “How can that even be possible?” I growl, trying to get his attention to focus back on my words.

He meets my eye again and sighs, nodding. He takes a forced step away from me, looking frustrated by the distance, “I know I owe you a lot of explanations, Fay… I get that. I do. But, I can’t give them to you here. You’ll have to come with me somewhere that we can talk.”

I furrow my brows at him uncertainly, “So… you have answers. Which means… what? Somehow you convinced people to pretend you didn’t exist? And now you’re back?” It makes sense in a sick sort of way. This is just a cruel joke… just a joke…

His gaze darkens and he glances over my shoulder with sudden irritation. He grasps my shoulder, meeting my eye again, “Please Faylie… come with me. I’ll answer all your questions… just give me a chance.” he offers an endearing smile, his gaze filled with affection, and a hint of mischief. He’s definitely different than I remember, but if anything, he’s more captivating.

Just as I’m about to say yes, I swear I hear a whisper on the wind. It’s a voice I swear I’ve heard before, and it sends warm shivers all through my body. Don’t trust him, Fay… the voice whispers.

I freeze for just a moment, shock radiating through me, and I find myself looking closer into the eyes of the man I thought I’d loved… “You need to tell me something now. I don’t even know you now, so you need to give me a reason.” I hurry out the words so I don’t have to focus on that small voice inside my mind. This entire day just seems to be proving my insanity. Maybe I should just walk right back up to Dr. Haylie and check myself into the Psych ward… because what if yet again this is all in my head? Can you be so delusional that you don’t even realize it’s a delusion when it stands in front of you and whispers in your ear?

He growls out a sigh, looking irritated, “It won’t make sense… ok?” He says, his eyes darting, “I did disappear. I can’t explain to you how yet, ok? But I did.” he forced a smile, “Please come with me now, and then I can explain it all."

I feel wary as I gape back at him, the voices on the wind begging me to run, but the look in his eye still pulls me the same way it used to. I look at his outstretched hand, hesitation building in my chest, but my love from years past was still stronger. I didn’t let doubt cloud my judgment then as I let my hand grasp his… but then something dark seemed to move through my body then. My eyes widen, the darkness so strong it feels like hands choking me. Scarier still, though, was the look waiting in Beau’s eyes--filled with ominous anticipation. “What is happening…?” I finally whisper.

He meets my eye then, and I notice an unfamiliar blackness waiting behind his gaze, “It’s the only way I can keep you…” he says softly, almost with a hint of sorrow.

Then... the world goes entirely black.