Nice Guy

I am a nice guy, a good person. Sure, yes, I do sometimes do bad things, but so does everyone else. I’ve had bad things done to me, and I’ve done bad things to others, but I try to learn from those mistakes, and I think that makes me a good person. Better, in fact, than most.

I keep a record of the bad things I do, so that I can better learn from them. I’ve kept it since I was a child. Each event is written in my little black notebook.

I have a system. Green ink is for things that were not that bad, more like honest mistakes. Blue is for things that I knew were bad but did anyway.

I have the perfect example.

When I was twelve, I was home alone and accidentally hit a baseball through our backyard window. This part is written in green.

I knew my parents were at the grocery on Elms Street, near the mall, and that such trips would take at least another 20 minutes. They would immediately unpack in the kitchen upon arriving home, but that my little brother would come to see me. He was only two, and though he did not speak well he was starting to move fast.

I meticulously cleaned up the broken glass, even the tiniest shards, and spread them on the lawn outside, under the window, around the baseball. When my little brother came to see me, I shouted: “wait!”. When my parents came running, I told them that Johnny took my baseball and threw it through the window. My father laughed that he would be a pitcher in the major leagues someday. This part is written in blue.

Most the entries are in green, but I admit that many are in blue. Only three, however, are written in red.

These are things that I truly regret. I know they were bad and that I need to avoid doing them ever again.

The first one happened when I was a teenager, while I was trimming my neighbor’s shrubs one summer. Their dog attacked me, and so I struck it. I knew he was just a dog and that he didn’t know any better. I hoped I didn’t hurt him, but I think I did. Hurting animals is bad, and I have not done it since.

The second one happened a couple of years after moving to the city when I still struggling to find money. I had met this nice elderly lady and she told me that she had money to spare. I visited her apartment to ask for a small loan, just to help me get back on my feet. She let me in and we chatted, but she refused to lend me any money. On the way out, I saw $20 and took it. I knew she wouldn’t even miss it, but I regret this. Stealing is bad, and I have not stolen money since.

The third one is very recent, I am still learning how to be a better person, as we all should, but I do still make mistakes. I had met the most beautiful woman in the park near my apartment, Ellen. She was tall and thin and had the most stunning short, curly, golden hair. Her pretty face was round and tight but her smile was like the sun breaking through the clouds. I often saw her walking to work in the morning, she liked to walk to work through the park, and sometimes we would chat a bit. I finally worked up the courage to ask her over one night, and while we had a pleasant enough evening, it was clear it wasn’t going to work out. I knew it wasn’t going to work out. Still, I was far more persistent than I should have been and I think it really upset her. Being too clingy is bad, and I am trying to be more understanding.

I do truly regret striking my old neighbor’s dog, though, and I feel I have been misleading about that event because it is so upsetting to me. The strike was more of a thrust or a stab, and the dog did not survive. I understand if you judge me more harshly now. The police did as well. Asking me why didn’t I have any bite marks or scratches if the dog had attacked me? I was the victim in the situation, I can assure you, and I cannot be held responsible for actions in the heat of the moment, no one should be. It was a hot summer that year, and that’s why I had been trimming the shrubs so late at night. What kind of people wouldn't appreciate waking up to find some kind stranger had trimmed all of their shrubs? The police were rude, but I was young and my neighbors did not press charges. They knew I was a nice guy. I understand my mistakes and have learned from them.

The old lady that I stole from, though, was honestly quite greedy and cruel. I had met her at a newsstand near where I was sitting that day, hoping to find someone willing to spare some change. I had a job interview downtown but had forgotten my bus fare at home. The old lady said, “NO”, very rudely, and yet she had two dollars to buy a scratch-off ticket from the newsstand. As if I wouldn’t see! And when she screamed in absolute delight that she had won $20,000 on it, I knew it was okay to follow her home and ask for some money again. I did react poorly, I admit, when I saw the look of fear and disgust on her face as I hurried towards her while she tried to shut the door… Still, she was so awful and really did get what she deserved.

But Ellen, my sweet, sweet Ellen.

I had turned my life around after taking the $20 from that old woman. I got myself cleaned up and rented a studio apartment near the park. That's how I first met Ellen.

Well, if I am being honest, I chose that apartment because of Ellen. Charmingly childish, I know, but when she would say hi to me in the park, my heart would leap, and the rest of my day would seem better. I’d been living in the city for a couple of years by then, and times had mostly been difficult. Sometimes she would tell me about herself, like how amazing she thought the weather was one morning and how she wished she had dressed in layers. At the time, I always dressed in layers, and when I told her so, we laughed together. It was so wonderful.

I could not afford the apartment building that she lived in, but I found one very close and was able to pay almost a year's worth of rent in advance. The bathtub is spectacularly large in my new apartment, yet very sensible to clean.

Soon after moving in, now smartly dressed, I had hoped to run into Ellen in the park, to see if she wanted to come over for dinner, now that I had a place of my own. Only nine evenings later, we did.

When she first got to my apartment, she slept for hours, but that was okay. I am patient and understanding of other people’s needs. However, when she finally did wake up, she acted crazy. It was not at all how I had pictured our first date. I know I should have just let her go after finding out how insane she really was, but…

I am still learning to be a better person. I am only human. I do sometimes still do bad things, just like anyone else. It isn’t fair to let others judge me when I already judge myself so harshly. Who else do you know enumerates all of their most minor failings in a little black notebook to remind themselves of all the ways they have failed? Of all the ways they need to do better?

It is okay, though, I have learned to be meticulous. I won’t soon be judged.

Ellen was just one of the many beautiful fish in the sea, and I can see from my new apartment window, that there are so many more beautiful fish in the sea.

Did you notice? How I am already learning to be less clingy?

I really am a nice guy.