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It's Just the Madness Within

Not a single scar on her heart came from an enemy

By Susan Eileen Published 2 years ago 8 min read
It's Just the Madness Within
Photo by Arseny Togulev on Unsplash

Love - it's the just the madness within. Her mother was a serial killer. An unknown secret. Her daughter is a serial killer. How is a mother supposed to feel when her baby is a serial killer. This double life has screwed with her head. How is she supposed to feel about her daughter being a whore.

She used to love him, but she had to kill him. Whether or not she killed, she doesn't know. Its too soon to tell. The doctor told her that her brain would never be the same. That once you depart from reality it will happen - over and over again.

Something weird is happening and she doesn't even think it's weird. She loves the psych ward, to the point that she calls it summer camp. Painting classes, meditation, string art, music classes, etc. It's like the summer camp she never went to.

She is so very tired though and her brain needs a break. She is just not used to being off controlled substances. She once had an anxiety attack and overdosed.

Everything went sideways when she lost her job. She didn't know it, but she would never be the same again. She damaged her brain and it was never the same. Thats what the doctor meant when she said that her brain would never be the same.

She can't tell anyone her thoughts. It's just the madness within. That's it - Mix Alice in Wonderland with Quentin Tarentino..She needs to pick one or the movie will be disjointed. She thinks she going to be richer than Zuckerburg. She has lift off..

Wow! This addiction to pills is really fucking her up. She doesn't know if she's coming or going. She hates, she loves. She constantly moving, but getting nowhere. She wants to isolate, she hates crowds, she feels terribly alone in a crowded room. So terribly shy - these damn genes have caused so many problems. She is as sick as someone with cancer. No one understands. No one will ever understand. She wants to ruminate out loud, the voices in her don't ever say anything. It's gobbleygook. She has a beautiful mind. There's no escaping that.

This too shall pass. She wishes she was never born. She can blame other people all day, it's just the depression, mania, addiction, her genes talking to her.

Damn those auditory hallucinations - that's code for voices in my head. She's trapped. She needs to forest bath in place. She can't focus on a single thing.

_________________________________________________

She writes a poem.

It’s an eternal question -

Who among us can stay sane

with reality that so unrelenting -

Beating you down while standing in the rain

Tortured and twisted down to the soul

Who among us hasn’t fallen in that hole

I feel a void,

the darkest void I have ever felt

Its the grief I tell you

It truly haunts me in the night

In my ivory tower I think I am safe

Most are unaware of the darkness within

Why must I sin?

Why must this compulsion come in

To haunt me in the night

But in the middle of the night

I know that notion is fake

My heart beating so strong

The whistling winds swirling in my head

Just the songs of the undead

Now the sunlight is finally here

The madness shall disappear

Maybe disappear someday

I have to tell myself it’s just the madness

Otherwise the tapping on my oak tree -

Well - I’ll put it this way

I’ll wake up insane

The madness within will finally win

You will finally know if

Mad acts a Madman Make

Get away from me before its too late

I don't care it I sin

Its the madness within

____________________________________________________

Where did all this go wrong? Sleeping with a married man - it ruined her life and now she's a man-hater. All of the wires in her head are mixing with the other wires. She's suicidal, she's homicidal. She's a bitch, she's a lover, she's a woman, she's a hater. She's psych ward Suzie and she's engaged to the guy. The Ex's won't leave her alone. She's trapped inside her head.

__________________________________________________

So how did this relationship go bad - so many bad relationships. She needs to grieve sober. This is day one of sobriety. Her brain is all over the place. How did she get attached to a wash up - a hitchhiker to boot. He's actually the nicest guy she ever met. She's used to woman-haters. It's disorienting because it's close to a normal relationship. He's a sex toy and she's ok with that, but the orgasms have driven her to madness, at least that's what the doctors say. Women aren't supposed to have any pleasure at all.

She needs to stop. Sunlight causes mania, everything causes mania. Her head feels heavy and the room is cold.

She turns on Nurse Rachet. She is loving every minute of the psych ward. She's calls it summer camp. She is manic as fuck. Slow. it. down.

__________________________________________________

Wow is the obsession strong. She wants to use. It's almost midnight.

This is the Catholic Church's fault. EVERYONE is at fault but her. She is making a list of her problems and she is making a list of people and just connecting the dots.

She needs to work on Step Four but everything is driving her crazy - even HIM - the married man. So many ill-suited lovers. The hitchhiker, the dog napper, the bouncer - when exactly did her friends change? When she started seeing the dog napper for pills. That crossed a line and she can never go back. She's not going to come from anything if she doesn't stop the obsession.

She just bought a book - the unexpected joy of being single. She's lacking endorphins.

_________________________________________________

Don't tell me you love me - I don't want to know! Ahh - he's trapped inside my head. If the war doesn't take off, I'll be dead! She should be able to have sex without feeling guilty. She shouldn't have survivors guilt. It's tearing her apart.

___________________________________________________

How did she end up hanging out with serial killers and dognappers? her addiction - she was using them for drugs, alcohol, money, all of it. She's the user and the abuser. She just doesn't realize it. She won't realize it until she does Step Four.

__________________________________________________

It was the thrill of the hunt, and just a crush. She just needs time away. She just needs summer camp. But that is the easy way out. She begins to journal. She decided to write about HIM - the married man is where it all went wrong. He tried to drive her to suicide.

The problem isn't the hitchhiker at all - it's her - it's always been her. Now she's in a psych ward instead of a rehab.

A lifetime of bad decisions - fighting and fucking it's all the same. Now she's just trying to stay sane. It's the madness within.

____________________________________________________

As predicted, orgasms have driven her to the point of insanity. The sex toys and multiple orgasms are too much.

She begins to write a poem about it.

The yellow bird on the asian pear tree

(I once again entrust you to secret information. This paper should not be found. Daisy is currently experiencing an Emily Dickinson type moment. I would not say this to a living soul, and should you find this, take care to keep this secret. Daisy's addiction includes sex addiction. But she shouldn't feel bad over an orgasm. She's gone mad. Lock your doors and hide your lovers, she's on the prowl with murder in mind).

(What follows is a dead paper, no one is meant to see it. When her home becomes a museum decades later, they will find unrequited love in the vast sea of papers. They will find the final heart break. Why did she pick up the hitchhiker? Please realize I am writing to ease the madness - I don't need validation from you, I'm a big girl, and stop asking me what I'm going to do today - no one needs to know but me - that includes screwing the hitchhiker).

What has happened to my muse?

Can't you hear the sincerity in my voice when I talk?

All you hear is the insanity when I talk

I talk too much -

Invite questions that I don't want to answer

I need to be free as a bird now

Some things will never change

You are deep

that was the game changer.

But haven't they all been deep

until your snobbery kicked

Your ivory tower

Is fueling the madness within

Draft Kings -- it's a curse

So much money

it's fueling the madness

I was never meant to be an heiress

I grew up in a trailer park

Capitalism is killing my soul

As the planet burns -

I'm drowning in my soul..

Stop asking me who I'm dating

it's driving the madness within

You better, you better hide

I can no longer fuck the pain away

Can't shop or smoke the pain away

Have to face the pain for it go away

I can't stand the pain

but it's here to stay

I've been brainwashed about sin

It alright not to be ok

Once the birds chirp

it'll stop the madness within

And realize I'm not an heiress with a boy toy

No not an heiress at all

In fact, so deep in debt thats

also driving the madness within

Make it stop!

There are 17 wars going on inside my head today.

I need a break from my sins

I can't stand the madness within

____________________________________________________

Even in the psych ward, she is trying to rescue people.

Rescue yourself lady - no will come rescuing you - stop being a victim about it - being a victim will drive you to drink.

___________________________________________________

Nurse rachet comes in to give her her pills. This is unreal. The night begins to sputter and spurt. The meds are kicking in.

__________________________________________________

She awakes with a start. She sure does miss her daughter - the younger one with the paranoia complex. She remember all of the Spong Bob episodes.

She loves the episode with the hooks. The fishhooks that Patrick and Spongebob played represent drugs or any addiction. Patrick and Spongebob clearly have a fourth grade work ethic in the show and it shows. They play on the hooks - the hooks take them high, and then they go low. Eventually they go high one to many times and they become addicted.

She realizes that she is acting like petulant child - she doesn't know how to love herself let alone others -if she loved herself, she wouldn't have a double life now would she. She doesn't love the hitch hiker - it was just a crush - she just hasn't had any feelings in 15 years - so she doesn't even know what's going on.

You stop maturing at the moment you first started using, which is around 11. She stopped drinking, but her mind kept on drinking, until she started again. She's a petulant child, and thinks she's better than Marie Antoinette in her ivory tower.

She's been embezzling money, even though as a trust fund baby, she like she has more money than God - who wouldn't with a brother that is a billionaire.

She kepts making excuses and rationalizing everything. She's headed for a relapse.

Call Rita - you need her more than you need a man.

__________________________________________________

I know what you're thinking - he can't be a billionaire - all I can say is this - this is a true story, except for parts that are false.

_

psychological

About the Creator

Susan Eileen

If you like what you see here, please find me on Amazon. I have two published books under the name of Susan Eileen. I am currently working on a selection of short stories and poems. My two published books are related to sobriety.

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