I'm Going to Die Today

I'm going to die today.

It's obvious that today is my last day on this Earth. I don't just think I'm going to die, I know I'm going to die. It's more than just a gut instinct or some wild hunch taking hold in my mind. He's coming for me and today will be the day he finally catches me. He knows what I've done. He won't be happy. He's called ten times now in the past two days. He knows. But I won't answer his calls, he won't hear the truth from me and he can't stop me. I am the master of my own ship and I won't be controlled any longer.

I've been inside my home all day, bundled up under the covers. I grabbed my biggest kitchen knife the second I woke up today and have been in my room since. I'm waiting for him, and I will be ready. He's coming, yes he is. I know that. All the lights are off and the sole source of light in the room comes from the lit candle in my window. It's almost like I'm making this scarier than it needs to be. Maybe I'm just paranoid, maybe he won't hurt me! No, you idiot of course he will! He knows what you've done! I grab my face and squeeze tightly to wake myself up. It isn't till I feel something drip onto my lap that I realize how hard I'm squeezing. I throw the blanket on the floor and rush to my mirror to see the self-inflicted claw marks on my face.

What's happening to me? Have I always been like this? No, there was a time when I was happy and carefree. He was there for me and I returned the gratitude. But now I've screwed it all up with what I've done. It is unforgivable, I know he's beyond pissed at me but what can I do now? It's too late to go back, too late to change the course of time.

*RING RING*

I jump like I'm an Olympian at the high jump when I hear my phone ringing yet again. Do I even look? I know it's him. I run back under my covers and throw my phone against the wall. You would think I had a damn Nokia phone because it doesn't break. I try to forget about the irony of how many times I've broken phones on accident but now the one time I try to break it the world has to give me a huge middle finger and screw me over.

The phone continues to ring, disrupting the perfect silence I had going on. He knows, he knows. Yes we already know that you dumb-ass! Finally the phone goes silent. A minute later the screen lights up, I have a new voicemail.

Against my better judgement I scramble to my phone and proceed to listen to the voicemail:

"Katherine, this is not funny. I have called you countless times now. I know something isn't right, you can't fool me. Don't you realize I know you by now? This is enough, I'm coming over. You better let me in or else there will be serious actions taken."

Ha. Ha. Hahahahahahaha! I knew it! He is coming to kill me! This all but confirms it doesn't it?! He really is coming for me. He knows where I live goddammit I am beyond fucked. No, no, no he won't get me. He can't! I'm the one with the knife! I won't be anyone's victim tonight, but he will be mine. A smile creeps along my face as I think about the shock on his face when I stab him. He won't see it coming. How could innocent Katherine do such a thing? He will never suspect it, but we are stronger than he could ever realize.

An hour goes by and I continue my mental preparation for my self defense. I can do this! I will survive this! Suddenly, there's loud knocking at the door. A mixture of terror and excitement cross my mind now. I'm ready.

I leave my room and creep down the stairs. I hold the knife behind my back with my right hand and slowly open the door with my left. He tries to push the door open but I've blocked him from opening it any more than a crack.

"Katherine! Let me in!" He shouts angrily and I start to laugh. Then I see a flicker of light in his hand. Is that a gun? It's a damn gun! How dare he bring a gun to a knife fight?! He's ruined all of my plans! How can I fight back against a gun?!

I let out a primal scream and fling myself up the stairs back to my room. I lock the door and hear him following close behind. What now?! There's nothing left to do! He's got you! I fall to my knees crying but suddenly begin to laugh. That's it! It's my only option. He can't get me. Nobody can.

I take the knife and slit my wrist with one clean swipe. It's a relief. It's finally over. This fight is finally over. I've been fighting my whole life. At the end of the day nobody could help me but myself.

Or maybe I've had it wrong this whole time. Maybe I did this to myself. Did I cause this? Things begin to blur and I begin to feel lightheaded. Well, it looks like it's over for me. This is of my own making. I'm sorry Doctor Devin, I didn't let you help me when you were the only one who ever could. The candle flickers out.

.............

"Yes, 911 she's dead! I'm at 31 Brewer Drive visiting my patient and she just lost it and locked herself in her room! I finally was able to kick the door open but it was too late. Oh god all the blood. Yes, she slit her wrist. She has schizophrenia and she is a patient of mine. I've been seeing her for over five years now and things were getting better, at least I thought. I had a suspicion that she stopped taking her medicine recently. The meds suppressed the voices in her head and the hallucinations. I came here with nothing but my phone, which I made sure to keep in my hand in case something bad happened and I had to call for help. I was ready to call you guys if needed but how could I have known everything would have happened so fast?! Jesus, is this my fault? She screamed like I was going to kill her. I just wanted to help her. Oh god, Katherine...You didn't have to die today."

P.S. Remember to take care of yourself. Mental illness is no joke and is nothing to be taken lightly. You can fight it, and you can survive it.