I love her

The pain draws further into my face. Still, I won't stop clenching my teeth. I read once that at night spiders crawl into your mouth. I hope that if I push my jaw shut stiff enough it will keep closed when I'm sleeping. I have no idea if it works, but it's the only way that I can sleep at night. And sleeping is the only thing I want. It draws me in like a magnet. Sometimes it feels like I wake up when I close my eyes.

Every night is the same. My jaw starts to shake, my face goes numb. Who I am and who I'm not is starting to fade. I forget about the spiders, I forget about everything. My body gets heavy. It pushes deeper into the bed. Then there is that smell. A sharp scent of hemp mixed with sweat and deodorant. It's her. I love her, I don't know her. Why I don't know, but I feel it in my entire body. I love her.

The scent sharpens. I open my eyes. There she is. She is pretty, it surprises me every time I see her. Her red hair looks beautiful with the small daisy earrings. She looks young, young, and scared. Her big eyes are looking at me. I try to read what she is thinking, but I find her look confusing. What are her eyes telling me?

"Why did you do it?" A deep voice keeps repeating that question. "Why did you do it?". No one is answering, why not? I look around and realise that everyone is looking at me. Am I suppose to answer? The deep voice belongs to a lawyer, a skinny man who looks irritable at me. I'm in court and it looks like I'm the defendant. "Why did you do it?" The girl looks tense in my direction. I get nervous. I ask softly:" I'm sorry, but what did I do exactly?" The girl tears up. I want to comfort her, hold her, kiss her, oh god my whole body aches for her.

"You tried this trick several times, we are not going to indulge you once more. You know perfectly well what you did. We just want to know why you did this. You're torturing her by forcing us to repeat the story. We are not doing it just because hearing the story gets you off. So I'm asking you once more. Why did you get out of the car on the 26th of August and did what you did?"

Suddenly I remember. A silver grayish car. My hand trembles when I take the keys out of the contact. The tears in my eyes partly block my sight. "I was sad", I tell the lawyer. " I was sad and alone." I see her standing in the kitchen. Her red hair is in a bun so that her hair won't fall down while she is preparing dinner. I get out of the car and walk to the house. I know this house.

"Sadness doesn't seem like much of a reason for what you did to her." The girl starts to cry. Oh god what did I do, I don't know, what did I do to her? "I love you" I yell. "I love you." I want to go to her. security grabs me and pushes me down in my chair. "I want to hold you, I love you, don't cry, I love you." Her fearful eyes cut right through me. What did I do? What did I do….

Every night I wake up at this point. My body heavy with sorrow. The story never finishes. I need to know what I did. I need to make it right. What did I do when I stepped out of that car.

I must go to sleep. Maybe this time I find out what happened. I close my jaw shut. Clench my teeth even harder. My face goes numb. I forget who I am. I forget who they are. There she is, the smell. Hemp with sweat and deodorant. I'm happy she is here. I hope she is wearing the daisy earrings I got her. They look beautiful on her. She looks at me with her big eyes. She looks young, young, and scared. I love her. So much.