Depressive Consequences

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Why don’t you just die?" Yeah, that's just one of my problems. Not that anyone cares, but I’ll warn you now. Be careful where your questions lead you.

I'll never forget the sound of that gavel and the judge stripping me of every last ounce of dignity and fight I had left. I know I made a mistake, yet when I think back. I have no idea why I did what I did. But, I had a feeling I’d get into a car accident. Guess one could call that something of a psychic intuition, which I’ve always believed in, but personally never dwelt on. My only belief at this moment...is that life enjoys kicking you in the teeth. In my case, life made some pact with karma to make my existence on this Earth just that much worse, drive me to the brink of wanting to jump off a bridge, only to give me some false hope which reels me back in just enough for life to deliver me another slap to the face.

In short, I wrecked my car which in turn forced me to quit my job, and now I linger around the house doing absolutely nothing but drown in the sound of my parents arguing. The feeling of being utterly defeated isn't something I had hoped to experience in my lifetime but unlike many. I wasn't born lucky, there must have been a dark cloud on the day of my birth which caused a string of misfortune to follow me. The only upside to this otherwise shit situation, is the fact it occurred in October. I love Fall, the smell of pumpkin spice, and the thrill of Halloween.

There's also the bonus of watching scary movies, which are my personal favorite. So many things about them fascinate me. Particularly, the creatures they portray. You know the ones, they include; Vampires, Werewolves, and Mummies. They also cross over to the paranormal side of things; like Ghosts, Witches, and Demons. I often wonder what actually happens when one sells their soul to the devil, I’ve heard countless stories about it. But, never actually had the courage to dip into demonic culture...until now. Considering the fact the individual I hit was part of the police force and immediately took action, there was some power at work I couldn't possibly compete with.

Would have been enough of a punishment rendering me without reliable transportation and no income, but of course. I had to get kicked while I was down, the individual ended up suing me and well, fate wasn't in my favor in the courtroom. So, in addition to everything else, I have a big fat fine I somehow have to pay. This caused a spell of depression to flicker inside of me; my heart is weighed down and I feel like no matter what I do. Nothing will improve, despite the fact that along with this depression. There's a burning rage, maybe it's the need for revenge.

Either way, as I lay in bed at night. I have these thoughts, this intense need to...eliminate those that did me wrong, those that truly don't deserve a place on this Earth. To for once feel as though I am in control and yet, this is the first time I've felt so close to breaking my own safety barriers. I couldn't help but continue to think “What if I had that kind of power?” What if that power came from…another world, separate from my own? I was raised Christian and though I never practiced the religion itself, I knew damn well never to summon bad spirits or demons. I’ve seen countless shows and videos depicting how dangerous it is.

But, I wanted these people to pay. I wanted everything they held dear to burn in a fiery hell storm. There’s a saying, “If you never try, you’ll never know.” Those words were the only thing convincing me to push past my fears, despite how dangerous I knew summoning a demon was. I gathered the necessary items, which mainly consisted of candles that were to be placed at the end of each point of the salt pentagram I had made on the wooden floor of my bedroom. Of course, I had to be careful not to break the circle that surrounded the pentagram as it was an important element that kept the summoned demon at bay.

That is until you willingly broke the circle with a drop of your blood. I had a set of matches to light each candle and I had printed out the summoning instructions. There was also the small detail of lighting a candle in an open window, apparently, according to an old tradition. It allowed any evil spirits and such, lingering in one’s home to escape. I suppose more space is needed when summoning an evil creature from Hell itself. A sigh came as I leaned back up, wiping the sweat from my brow. My heart was racing and though I couldn't help it, my hands were trembling.

I debated back and forth for a long moment if I should stop this and continue to wallow in defeat or for once in my life, complete the very thing I set out to do. Feel that thrill and happiness that comes from witnessing people finally getting what they deserve. I swallowed my fear down and with shaky fingers reached for the matches. It took me a few tries, but eventually, I saw that spark and the match ignited with a small flame. I lit the candle in the window first, watching the colors of orange and red dance together. It illuminated my otherwise dark room and as I glanced up, I caught sight of my dull, depressed expression.

My short messy bangs were pushed back, I could faintly see their bluish hue, along with my left eyebrow piercing that reflected the flame of the candle. I could see the dark circles underneath my green eyes which still held an expression of dread and despair. My lips were thick and trembled slightly. I was dressed in an oversized black sweater that matched the knee-high socks I wore. My parents always seemed to question my choice in appearance and clothing, but I never followed traditional gender expectations.

Not that such a thing mattered at the moment, I took a deep breath, “I can do this.” I whispered to myself before turning my attention to the pentagram. I slowly walked over, hearing the eerie squeaks the floor gave underneath my weight. I tried to ignore the way my heart pounded, the echoes of which pulsed through my ears. My legs nearly gave out from underneath me as I knelt down. Slowly I ignited another match and held it between my thumb and index finger. A few seconds passed as I admired the way the flame danced and ate away at the thin wooden stick.

I took another deep breath, attempting to calm myself as I reached over to grab the first candle. I watched as the wick sparked to life and caused the glass to illuminate. It gleamed, almost like a firefly, and brought a sense of calm. But, I knew there was always calm before the storm. I carefully lit the rest, all five were placed perfectly at each end of the pentagram and I admired the way the salt reflected their red-orange hue. I crossed my legs and wiggled my toes as I placed my hands on my ankles.

Yet again, those doubtful thoughts came, as much as I tried to push them back. I already made a commitment to this, and I got this far. My eyes drifted over to the paper with the instructions. It laid against my dresser just opposite of me. I felt my throat tighten as I leaned forward to grab it, and the heat of the candles tickled the underside of my forearm. Yet another reminder of how dangerous playing with fire could be. Nonetheless, I quickly scanned over the instructions to ensure I didn’t miss anything, “Good.” I whispered as I let my shoulders drop, “Now all that’s left is…” I glanced over the chant, and I was to repeat it three times. After this, the demon would appear.

I read it over and over again, some of the words I couldn’t pronounce. But damned if I wouldn’t try, I took a deep breath and scooted back. Ensuring there was a distance between myself the outline of the circle. Then, I folded the paper in half and placed it in front of me. I could feel the cold air coming in from the window, accompanied by the sound of crickets and other nightly creatures, which I tried to ignore. I closed my eyes and hesitantly parted my lips. I tried speaking the first part of the chant, but only stuttered and stumbled over the words.

“Damn it.” a sigh came before I slapped my hands against my thighs, angry at myself. Could I not do this one simple thing? A growl rumbled in my throat and I reached up to thread my fingers through my hair, giving it a harsh tug as if that would somehow motivate me to suddenly obtain courage. “I can do this, damn it! I can do this...” I whispered and once again tried to calm myself before I repeated the chant. Fear dripped from every word and I could feel a sense of dread and evil fill my room as I repeated the chant a second time.

Goosebumps began to rise and scatter down the length of my arms. I could feel my lungs begin to struggle to take in air, yet I continued. Upon repeating the words for the final time, I felt a violent shiver run down my spine and I suddenly gasped. My eyes shot open and I quickly looked to the pentagram, almost expecting the salt to blast across the room and fire to appear. But there was nothing, it was then I realized the candles were no longer lit. A thin line of smoke lingered from each one and my eyebrows lowered as I looked at the scene with confusion.

“W-Wait.” I felt some panic come as I reached to grab the instructions, I could sense the temperature changing. It almost seemed to be growing hotter now, and I was unsure if it was my anger causing my own body temperature to rise or the actual atmosphere in the room itself. Either way, it didn’t stop me from re-reading everything, and I took in every last detail, every single last word. I did everything right! A growl escaped, and I crumpled the paper in my trembling hand. I could feel my eyes water as if I didn’t cry enough throughout this lousy month.

I tossed the balled up paper over my shoulder before standing up. However, I couldn’t help but stomp my foot and reached up to give my hair another harsh pull. The familiar feeling of hot tears began to stream down my face. This was it, the moment I finally realized I was a failure. That, I was officially defeated. Demons didn’t even want to be associated with me, a sob came as I walked to my door, “Why am I not surprised? Nothing I try works, someone up there or more likely someone in Hell must be laughing at my misery.” I whispered as I hung my head.

However, unknown to me. I had done everything right, and though I did not see. The smoke from the candles began to swirl around the pentagram and grew thicker as a shadowy figure appeared. My fingers had just touched the doorknob when the scent of sulfur reached my nose. Then, suddenly I heard a deep voice echo, “You’ve summoned me?” and my heart nearly stopped.