'Death on the Nile' Movie Review

'Death on the Nile' might find a lot of reviews dead in the water.

Oy vey.

By the way, nothing but spoilers below here. All spoilers, the whole article.

You've been warned, don't come at me for blowing anything for you.

I went into the theater with really high expectations, I loved 'Murder on the Orient Express' and I love the books of Agatha Christie; so where did this movie go wrong?

This movie is just ... odd. And real bad.

First of all, in all honesty to you dear Reader, I believe that Kenneth Branaugh should have recasted Armie Hammer. Everytime time Hammer appears on screen, I cannot help but think -

"He's a cannibal and rapist."

And that happened through the entire movie.

Especially since Hammer plays the love interest in this movie, and has some intensely sexual dance moves that are just uncomfortable to watch.

Not to mention the fact that it's now very hard to imagine women fighting over a cannibal.

Every time Hammer comes on screen it just pulls me out of the movie entirely and that's not what you want when you go to the movies.

Then we have Gal Gadot.

She's brilliant as Wonder Woman but maybe a lead role in a murder mystery movie isn't in her repertoire.

She's supposed to play this elite heiress of millions and this character in the book is independent and logical and fearless; Gal Gadot just feels like a standard over-sexed rich girl with daddy's money.

Now, to Kenneth Branaugh.

First off, I absolutely loved his rendition of Poirot in Murder on the Orient Express. He was goofy but serious and he had his code:

"And whatever people say, there is right, there is wrong. There is nothing in between."

In this movie, there really is no motto or code that he claims to live and work by. He just appears, does his thing, and then the movie ends on this very odd note.

What I love about the books with the Poirot character is that he's like this mysterious Sherlock-esque detective who travels the world, solving unsolvable crimes and gaining fame that he truly looks to enjoy. But you still know nothing of his past, of this woman he may have loved that made him be the man he is today, and why he thinks of crime as black and white.

In Death on the Nile, this book does take place after Murder on the Orient Express, Poirot still does think of most crimes as black and white, right and wrong. No gray area to be determined.

Justice to him is as clear as glass windows.

Overall, this movie has a very rushed feeling.

Poirot is celebrating at a nightclub in London where he is entranced by a loving couple dancing so erotically on the floor that I was afraid I got pregnant just by watching that scene.

Like a bad car wreck, you can't look away from the lovers grinding and dragging literally every inch of skin against each other. Poirot watches them dance and does one of his own with a dessert sampling that he keeps transforming the mini plates into different patterns and it's oddly more fascinating to watch him rearrange plates with delicate, beautiful desserts than the couple having sex on the dance floor.

Then you have the exhibitionist couple meet their friend, Gal Gadot.

I'm not using Character names, trust me its not even worth it to learn their names in this movie. They barely use them anyway, so why should I?

Gal Gadot makes eyes at Armie Hammer because when they filmed this movie, he was not known to be a cannibal.

They go forward a couple months and Gadot and Hammer are celebrating their wedding and honeymoon in Egypt. They have an entire party with them, which is how you would travel on your honeymoon. With your godmother, friends, ex-boyfriends, and stockbroker. Plus a detective you found in Cairo and trick into joining you on a cruise down the Nile.

Totally normal thing to do. Even in 1937.

Then there's a murder, and another murder, and another murder. All very dramatic. Lovers quarrel, attempted murders, thieves, liars.

Just goes to show, doesn't matter how much money you got, anyone can stoop to any level.

Look, if you want to go to the movies and just take in pretty sights and gorgeous costumes and the ever-stunning Gal Gadot; this is the movie for you.

If you want actual substance, see 'Uncharted'.