Chance (Chapter 2)

I took my first life today ...

It was invigorating, the sensation that flowed through my body ... The sense of being aware, awakened … Ironic really, how a “chance” encounter can do something as such.

I took my first life today and i swear to you it was as if i inhaled for the very first time, i felt so ... Alive!! As though I had been re-birthed into this world, still carrying the memories of old, yesterday and today.

That sense of knowing ... but yearning for more, begging to be, yet not as I was, but as I am in this moment, in the “Now”.

I took my first life today …

I, I took, my first life today, and I was overcome with a vast and complete sense of being ... For a brief moment, I had a calm demeanor. I smiled, as if looking upon a child, new to the world, pure, innocently oblivious to the obvious darkness that will one day dim that light.

Unaware and unprepared for the unpredictable predicament that follow, sheltered by the sense of wonder that this world may offer not knowing that once the innocents fades and their smile isn’t as precious as it once was, that no love in this world will ever be as great as the love they know now.

I smiled and thinking of the harsh reality that fall’s before that poor child, my smile fades into obscurity and as I coast back into the now, and I look upon this man, an utter gasp of horror crept into my sight. My pupils dilated ... And my smile was no more, still here he lays within these two hands, gasping, puzzled, looking for the meaning.

I saw the questions glazing his eyes, i could see him asking himself as he slipped in and out, What have I done?, Whom do we share with an acquaintance that I have wronged so badly that this action you take proceeds my fate? How has this come to be that he and I would likely meet?

Why here? Why now? Why me?!!

I had no answer for him, I sought to give him peace of mind but at the same time I too myself was puzzled. First, why so many questions? “Why me?” Why not you I thought to myself, scuffing under my breath with a whisper i called the man selfish, because in what little bit of mind i had i found it funny and ironic that this stranger whom laid helpless in my hands could only think of himself within the moment, I mean I couldn’t blame him, but still, there are other facts to weigh in here, while yes you did make a great effort to ask if we shared someone in common that you may have wronged, did you think to honor that person by making amends? NO!! No you didn’t, but still … you remind me of … me, and now.

I do apologize, but I know my apologies will not silence his tongue. I know that if I should cast him off upon his way he will surely place a bounty on my own, and with little to no effort he may just have his day if I allow him to walk away, but no, not a chance it’s already too late.

I apologize for the wrong that I have done him, unwittingly bringing him an early sentence that wasn't meant to be. I am no judge, nor am I jury, yet somehow … executioner sit’s well with me.

I have had a troubled past, and well … there was that one time in the barn, i was about 10, i’d gotten hold of a hot poker and cattle prod smh … damn dog never knew what was coming to him, old mangy mutt, i can still smell you to this very day, then there was that time with the hog, i’d just learned anatomy and the trade of my tools, tool's mind you that had nothing! absolutely nothing! to do with anatomy ... oh hell who am i kidding we’d all knew one day i’d grow up to be something … never thought it would be a monster though, i had always hoped for the better in this life, but when you come from abuse, and have known no love at least not the kind of love that could heal, you merely adapt and become an unwilling product of your environment.

Pray you will for my sin and that if my day too shall come soon i meet my fate post haste.

I wouldn’t survive anything other than swift and quick, i'm a little sick in the head you know, anything prolonged would only give me a solid third leg and a rage that you couldn’t imagine.

Pray for me and I will pray for you, if I can even remember the way it should be phrased, our father who art in heaven, that is it isn’t? Yes, yes, I remember a bit now, you’ll forgive me? I pray … you’ll forgive me of my wickedness and remember holding to heart that you were my first.

Remember that i showed you mercy not because you are worthy, but because i see in you everything that i thought i would see in me, before i became the man you see me to be.

You sir are somehow, a reflection of I for it is buried deep within your eyes.

It may be inconsiderate of me, i didn't even stop to think that maybe this poor fella could maybe have a family. Is his wife at home, or is his lover a fella of softer tone?

Is he a father? Is there anyone left to bare his name and live the legacy that I swiftly managed to take away from him?

Oh mother, I didn't think ... Oh mother! What of his poor mother?! Who will console her when she learns of her child's demise?!

Did they even have a good relationship? Or have they severed ties?

What of his Father? Should I even bother?

No!! No time for that now, his light is fading, and it’s going fast, I can see it in his eyes, the essence of his existence is escaping.

I pray for you dear sir, and I will leave my penance, but within this moment I choose to live even if it is in darkness.

I choose to give to you what I wish for myself.

Hush now and don't struggle, release and be free, the lesser you struggle the swifter you may be free from me and the ales of this world.

Maybe my half heart'd attempt to care will be taken into consideration upon my day of judgement, and we shall meet again and I may tell you the tale which led us to meet on that street.

How I was flustered and overwhelmed with the life that I lived, how I was troubled with no real outlet set before me, no one to love me and help me through the problem's that set me into a frantic mind ... I was manic at our chance encounter and by that time I'd lost all control and the will of my fate was greater than one man could bare.

I set out to end the life that i had lived in a hopes to be reborn and begin again, after all i didn't ask for this, i never asked to be here in the first place. I didn't wish of this life, i didn't wish of these scars and i damn as hell surely did not wish to be conditioned with this plague of the mind that torments me with every passing second.

I took my first life today ...

And I am afraid that tomorrow I will begin anew.