But I loved her

To see into my eyes,

You'll find where murder lies!

Metallica - Harvester of Sorrow

But I loved her... By: Reuben Joseph Beeman

It's like thunder resounding in my ears over and over, my own heartbeat as I sit here watching her. She's pale & bloated now. Her eyes are glossed over, but it still feels like she's not just looking through me, she's looking into me, and every second that goes by that she doesn't breathe, doesn't blink, is an accusation to what I've done...to what I've become.

Am I this monster?

Did I really murder Karlene?

I loved her so much...so, so very much. How could that love have turned to...to...

...Hatred!?

...Betrayal!?

...Oh God, there's no turning back now!

* * *

I remember when mom died. It didn't seem real. For Christ's sake I had just talked to her the night before...& then the news came the next morning that she was dead, died sometime in the night...

& that was that...

I didn't cry; not that I didn't feel anything, quite the opposite; I felt something leave my heart where mom had been...but, then I busied myself, telling the family & arranging the memorial service. Getting her cremated & putting closure on her bills & the few possessions my mother owned. Her bird went to a lady living on her property. The China went to my aunt. We all split up the photographs & I watched coldly...with that emptiness where my mom had been, as my family told their stories, laughed, cried & hugged each other for comfort...

& this...this is kind of funny, but even then it made me question my sanity; & then I got this text from my brother. He couldn't make it. He was in Iraq fighting some war that seemed as far removed as my mother passing. Do you understand what I'm getting at? It was there but it wasn't.

- I'm sorry I can't be there, Paul. Give everyone my love & give Aunty Fay a big hug and let her know how sorry & sad that I am. Wish I could be there, bro. Same goes for Sissy, give her my love -

That was the text I got from my brother, Pesha, & you know what? My chest tightened & I almost let loose; you know, shed a tear. I mean, for Christ sake, I loved my mom. Daddy died when me, Pesha & Sissy were all running around in diapers, pulls ups & Velcro shoes. She was our everything, I mean our everything! She held us, doted on us, spanked us, got fed up with us; but most of all she loved us, loved us, loved us. My mom never quit. She worked full time, came home exhausted every night and expended whatever reserves she had trying to be the best mom she could be to us kids. Mom wasn't perfect, but she was genuine - one hundred percent.

Well anyways, I finish reading Peshas' text & I press end & scroll over to my phone book. Sissy had to leave early & I want to call her. Talk to her. Talk about Pesha. Talk about mom, & maybe, just maybe let out these tears that have been holding themselves back for the last six days.

Well I'm scrolling through my contact list & there right before Sissy is Mom - 541-788-4058 - & I call it. I don't know why I did, but I did. I knew she wouldn't answer, but my emptiness didn't know that. My emptiness kept hoping with each ring. Then I get her voicemail & I hung up.

My next thought was to do the logical thing, erase her number...

...let go...

...but I couldn't!

& this is where I think part of me is crazy; every time I see mom's phone number on my contact list, I know, my emptiness knows that, somehow she is still there & if I erase her number she will be gone completely...pretty crazy, huh?

Now you know why I can't bury Karlene. She's sitting in my room stinking and rotting and dead, telling me with her milky eyes that I did this...

...out of love?

...out of hate?

...was it really even me?

God, I am so confused!

But I know that if I bury her now, it would be like erasing moms' phone number off my phone. I just can't do it!

Why did I kill Karlene?

I didn't mean to...

I just had to stop her. She was going back to him...Devin.

Devin didn't love her. Devin didn't love anyone except himself. He was a vain man. He beat her, & for what? To let her know that she was his & that he was the boss. In a lot of ways he was Karlenes' long list of boyfriends, all had the black selfish heart of her father.

But I had always been there for her. She told me once that I was the best friend she'd ever had. And I loved her.

Oh God...

...but I loved her.

& she knew. I never told her, but she knew. Girls know! Women don't miss a thing.

It's like last year when I quit smoking. I made it three & a half months! Well, when I started up again; letting go of familiar friends is not quite as easy as the man who carries no demons thinks...

... They haunt you. You keep checking for that familiar pack in your left jacket pocket. You keep finding lighters in your couch. You find yourself standing outside of restaurants taking a break between courses to stand out in the cold where all the smokers are. In the back of your mind you're smoking with them, and when you go back inside to join your friends and finish your meal you feel about half fucking crazy for a God damned smoke...

... So you bum one at work, & then it's horrible, dizzy, sick...but before the day's over you bum another to take home, you know...just in case..

Then a week goes by, you're not a full fledged smoker again, but fuck man, you're smoking two, three, sometimes a guilty five a day.

One day, about four days into your relapse, Karlene comes to pick you up 'cause your car's in the shop. She rings you up on the phone, "Hey Pauly boy, I'm outside waiting!"

You open the door and she steps out of the car, takes one look into your eyes and says, "So Pauly boy, when'd you start smoking again?

You were doing so good too!"

& that was that. Women, they just know.

She knew that I loved her. I guess that's why she felt so safe with me. I'd do anything for her, but I never crossed no boundaries. I didn't want sex, I wanted her. Since I was fifteen years old I loved that girl.

* * *

So she shows up. It's dumping down rain & she let's herself in. I'm in the living room reading & her shadow startles me into an awareness of her...her standing before me soaking wet, sobbing uncontrollably with a split lip, two black eyes & a broken nose. I get up and cradle her. She's the love of my life.

"Who did this to you?"

"Devin...he...I went out with the girls, you know, Macy and Alicia?"

"Yeah..." I mumble. What am I going to do about this? I can't even fight, never have. Oh, I've gotten mad enough to, but then I freeze up, start shaking like its ten degrees outside & then become a human punching bag to whomever the fight is with.

Pesha, only two years younger than me, he always did all my fighting for me. He could fight, & not just because the little bastard was tough! I think Pesha whooped ass on all the people he whooped ass on: big, tall, fat, small, older, younger, sometimes two, three dudes at a time. Shit! One time I seen my brother beat up a guy & then kick the living daylights out of the guys girlfriend 'cause she wouldn't 'Shut the fuck up!' I think he whooped all those people out of sheer meanness. It wasn't that he was tougher than most folks, he just had a black streak that demoralized then demolished anyone he stood up against. I seen Pesha fuck up guys in their twenties when he was no more than fourteen, fifteen years old.

* * *

"So... I went out with the girls, you know..." Karlene continues, "& we went dancing over at the Wichita." She keeps pausing, grabbing ahold of me & sobbing into my chest; & maybe...maybe I can't fight, but at that moment I could love her...you know? Be someone she could lean on, hold, be...be...loved by.

"Well we was dancing...Pauly...& not even with the fellas...just with each other." She's crying real hard now & she lifts up her blouse & pulls it over her head. She's bruised, bruised all over, & that wasn't even the worst of it. She had...bite marks, fucking bite marks. Ribs busted, bruised up, bit up mess, all 'cause she lost track of time and came home forty minutes later than she said she was coming home.

He beat her and kicked her and bit her.

"She must be fucking someone else!" he kept screaming. & then, after the beating, he left her helpless in her kitchen & went into the bedroom and drank himself to sleep.

Good old Devin...

...good old daddy!

So I got her washed up; gave her a couple of Klonopin. I take them for anxiety. Maybe my anxiety stemmed from loving so much & watching that person run into the arms of the devil over & over again.

She could have had me. I would have given her my all. In my heart I know, even now I can't let it go...I know I was & am perfect for her. I loved her so, so much.

So I put her to bed.

Then I go out and max out my Visa; buying her makeup, clothes, a new cellphone & a little Samsung Tablet so she can keep in touch with her friends, family & most importantly not have to go back to Devins' & picking up her stuff...

& guess what? I get back and she's up and waiting and she loves it...even...loves...me! She hugged me after she went through the Walmart bags and told me so. She said, "I love you Pauly...Please keep me safe." Then she did...she...she...she kissed me. Not on the lips at first, but on the cheek. & then she pressed her broken lips against mine, tears streaming down her face & told me once again that she...loved...me.

She held my hand & led me to the bedroom. We laid down together and she asked me to please just hold her...hold her & keep her safe.

& that was that.

We never did nothing.

The next day we went about our business like nothing happened, but it did don't you see? My heart was free now & singing its own song...a love song...& it was for her, Karlene Nel Adams...

& you know what? I could wait.

I was her perfect guy. For nine days I did what was needed. I took care of her & let her heal. Every night she would kiss me. Every night that kiss went deeper. Every night I would hold her & every night I held her just a little bit tighter. But, still all she asked was, "Just hold me Pauly, just for now, see? I just need you to hold me."

Then...& then...Oh God Almighty, what have I done? I came home from work and she was on the phone, and she was crying, and she just kept saying, "Ok Dev, ok, it's ok."

And like being faced with a fight I did what I always did; I froze up and watched her, watched her resolve herself to going back, watched her pack up all the stuff I bought her, watched her...begin to leave.

Then like that saying goes 'love conquers all,' my love for her conquered my frozen fear and I grabbed her as she made her way to the front door.

"Where are you going, Karlene?"

"You know, Pauly. Will you help me with my bags?"

"You...you...Karlene?! You can't be serious! He hurt you so, so bad."

"But I love him, Pauly..."

"He'll hurt you again. He might even kill you Karlene. I would never hurt you. I..."

"What?"

"I..."

But I got stuck.

Why did I get stuck?

Why in the fuck couldn't I say it?

Because I didn't need to. She knew I was smoking again, & if she could know that, she had to know...

... but I loved her!

"Let go of me Pauly. You don't want me in your life. I'm...

"... stained."

"No Karlene, not to me...we...we could..."

& then she hit me...& then she hit me again.

"Out of my way Pauly!"

"You can't leave me...I..." Then...then I grabbed her; Jesus, not to hurt her. The Lord knows not to hurt her. She began screaming, cursing at me.

I just wanted her to stop.

I really don't know how my hands ended up around her neck. I just wanted her to stop. Stop going to him. Stop going to whoever...& then...& then...

...all that love, all those years. The way my heart beat a little bit faster & my palms would begin to sweat whenever she would brush her unruly hair away from her eyes. The smile that warmed my heart every time I got a text or a phone call from her. The night I bailed her out of county for her DUI & she was so drunk & I promised not to tell her parents...

All of it turned into something else... something sour & without pity, something black & selfish, something that demanded that she regret rejecting me, her perfect guy, her friend, protector & soulmate.

I had to make her understand. I rammed her into the wall & a picture of Sissy crashed to the ground.

In one swift motion; Oh, I was unfrozen all right...my leather belt was around her neck & I kept twisting & twisting...

...& now here we are.

Time passes without reflection.

We are together & I can't erase moms' phone number off my contact list.

I change her clothes frequently & do her makeup as best as I can.

She's dried up, so I use lotion. I make love to her & for the briefest eternity it feels like she is alive & mine.

But then...I am spent, & to my horror & shame I have been making love to a bloated stinking corpse that at one time was Karlene...

... the love of my life.

* * *

I burned down Devin's house. To my utter dismay his children were visiting him. I can still hear their screams. Sometimes making love to what once was Karlene stops the screams, but not always.

I don't know how I will carry on now, but what I do know...

... is that I loved her.

Finis' 12/7/15

Reuben Joseph Beeman

Time Traveler Extraordiaire

In memory of Kathlene Sherwood.

That one goes to Kathy. I know if you were still here that one would be your favorite. I miss you, sister. We're doing it. You always knew. You always believed.

My monsters are real because I am real.

For I myself am the monster...

Reub' 10/8/17

I think if the devil doesn't exist, but man has created him, he has created him in his own image and likeness...

Dostoevsky

Coming soon - A preview of my serial story Strays...& my new short story, a love story I wrote called Honey, don't forget your pants...

Not everything I write is dark. I have a children's story I will be posting soon called The Chip Trip. It's in the process of being illustrated. I just love to write! I learned to read at the age of three, and my passion in life has always been literature! I write stories for people who love to read. If you love Patterson Grisham or Koontz, this is probably not the site for you. All Hacks!!