BROKEN

“A mirror showed a reflection that wasn't my own", I said in my dream. I woke up and immediately remembered the face that reflected back towards me. My mother had been in the reflection. My mother had died last June and there was a sense of relief when I saw her. I rarely dreamt of her alive. I wished I would every night and in the morning when I woke I would feel the disappointment of that not happening once again.

I got out of bed with a lightness to me completing my regular routine, washing my face and making my coffee. I laid back in bed for the warmth and allowed myself to enjoy being there. I thought about my mom and how much time it had been since I had seen her. I slowly drifted back to sleep. I remember dreaming but, of what, I am not sure. Suddenly I was terrified. My mother stared at me and screamed "THAT WASN'T ME" and I instantly woke up breathing heavily and feeling frightened. It felt so real as if she had been right there with me. Feeling a heaviness I tried to shake it off and get up for some exercise and get ready for a late shift. A regular day mostly, I had almost completely forgotten about my dream and my nightmare. My kids were entertaining as they usually did and we cooked together and watched a movie. I work at a group home for teenage girls and although we definitely have some rough days we also have a lot of amazing days as well and this was one of those days. "I am so grateful for these kids" I said to my coworker. "They have helped me so much this last year". In the last year there has been a lot of change in my life: long relationship over, moving to a new apartment, traveling around the United States for a bit to "find myself" and then losing my mom. I miss her everyday but when I'm at work I am so involved that it hurts a little less.

After work my friend and I meet up with since we both work so late and have a snack (even though we always say we are going to go on a diet) and talk about the day. She's my best friend and I am not sure I would have made it this far without her. Right before I get off I see a text from her "throwing up I AM DYING" with an immediate "oops sorry Jess" and although it doesn't bother me when she said it I appreciate that she cares enough to consider how it might. Sadly I know this means we can't meet up and I don't really want to go out to eat alone so I head home after replying "all good! Love you and please hydrate!"

The drive home doesn't take too long but when you want to be home sometimes you wish you could just teleport. I'm listening to old Eminem and enjoying singing as loud as I can. I see a bright light and when I glance in the rear view mirror I see a face in my backseat shaking its head and I swerve completely caught off guard. I see cop car lights and hear the sirens. The officer asks me what happened but how am I supposed to tell him I saw a face? I just told him I thought I saw a cat and swerved to miss it. After talking to me for a few minutes he let me go. What did I see? Was it the lights playing tricks on me? On the rest of the drive I am so nervous. I don’t play music and grip the steering wheel like I am waiting for a deer to jump in front of me.

When I get home all the lights are on. As if I wasn't freaking out already I was paralyzed with fear. I live alone. I NEVER leave my lights on. “Hello?” I said, standing at the door. No response. I am not sure what I was expecting but what happened next wasn’t it. I saw my mom standing in the hallway but it wasn’t her. Her eyes weren’t hers plus she is dead. “How is this possible?” I asked. It responded, “It isn’t”. You could have heard a pin drop. There was a part of me that wanted to run as fast as I could but another part made me stay, I needed to know what this was. “I am what you fear and what you love. I look like your life giver but I am filled with darkness. You called me.” it spoke. My mind was racing, what does it mean? How could I have called THAT THING to me? “You question me but do not see that I know what you think, feel and want. I am YOU.” My heart fell to the floor. “How could you be me? How could this be possible?” I asked. It responded, “I am the energy that you put into yourself, your world and your mind. I plague your space with darkness because I was created by that energy that you hold so dearly to your heart.” I knew what it was talking about because of my time in this last year, and the years even before all the difficult things that had been brought to me, my thoughts had brought me to some very dark places. I had been lost in the abyss yet nobody knew what was happening in me. “I knew.” it said glaring at me with deep green eyes that pierced my very being. “I am you. The parts you tried to leave behind. But you can never leave me behind.” I ran but as I did it appeared before me.” This is what you always do, running away making this last longer than it needs. Have you not learned this yet?”. It was right. I always run. Difficult thoughts, situations, places I always run. I begin crying in fear and knowing the truth. This thing is me, and I am it.

“What keeps you in this fear space? What are you afraid of?” it said.

“Pain. In every form.” I replied.

“What happens when you run? Pain. A different pain yet still the same.”

“I can’t stop”

“Says who? You?”

I shrugged.

“You don’t even know yet you run. Sit with me. Absorb what you have attempted to separate from. Be fully you and that includes me. It isn’t until you accept me as part of you that you will stop running”

At that moment it stepped into me. I felt the sad, lonely, angry and self loathing parts of me while also feeling that loving, passionate and accepting parts too. I breathed out a deep breath and felt so full of love. I was whole. I felt that I could breathe. I had no fear of what had just happened because I knew she was me. I sat on my bed for hours thinking about what had just happened until I fell asleep. I dreamt of my mom hugging me and telling me she was okay and that now, I was too. I woke in the morning and felt as if it had been a crazy dream. It felt distant like a memory from long ago. That night saved me and I am able to live fully and loving every part of me that comes up. I am here to experience it all and not try to demonize the parts of me that I deem unfit for this life.