Again

I'm falling... again.

I have no idea where I'm headed to. I don't know the time or the place... I don't hear anything... not even my own word. I open my mouth, ready to shout, but I'm not able to make a sound. After a few minutes of trying, I realize that my effort is useless. I'm completely mute...

~ ¤ ~ F ~ ¤ ~ A ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ I ~ ¤ ~ N ~ ¤ ~ G ~ ¤ ~

I look around. All I can see is darkness, and a little spark of light. But I'm not sure... maybe I'm just imagining that brightness in front of my eyes. It's like I'm in another dimension... another universe... and I'm gliding away past millions of tiny, shining stars, which probably aren't that tiny, they just become dwarf-sized as I leave them one by one.

~ ¤ ~ F ~ ¤ ~ A ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ I ~ ¤ ~ N ~ ¤ ~ G ~ ¤ ~

The more attention I pay, the more everything changes around me. Now I see a tunnel meandering in front of me... The little, luminous stars next to me turn to blurred headlights of speeding cars. I don't like traffic... I don't like noisy main streets and highways. Traffic jams are annoyingly loud, dusty and boring. Highways are super dangerous, the most common accident scenes... Both cities and country roads stress me out easily...

~ ¤ ~ F ~ ¤ ~ A ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ I ~ ¤ ~ N ~ ¤ ~ G ~ ¤ ~

After some time the tunnel filled with fast cars gets more like a deep, rocky well with no beginning or end, but my loud, desperate cry echoing far between its thick, wet, moss-covered walls. I can't turn around to see when I'm gonna reach the ground... or the water... or any kind of surface. This thought scares me... It resembles to real life. You never know when and how it ends. You're just going with the flow... or falling deeper and deeper. Until you reach something... or nothing at all.

I'm falling... still.

I'm not able to move my body. It's completely numb. I can't feel my muscles.

I'm laying in my bed with my hands folded on my chest. They stick to each other, I can't move them, no matter how hard I'm trying. It's the worst feeling I've ever experienced. I'm not unconscious, I'm totally in control of my own mind, yet I have no control over my own body... I know, I know that I have my body. But I don't know how to command it. The thought of being disabled kills me... Not mentally, but physically. It's another kind of pain... another kind of anxiety. And there's a certain level, when you can't tell if you're just dreamig, or it's real. A real nightmare...

~ ¤ ~ F ~ ¤ ~ A ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ I ~ ¤ ~ N ~ ¤ ~ G ~ ¤ ~

I'm paralysed. I can't explain why, but I'm just unable to focus and wake up... I panick, I mean, it's frustrating, because I practised it so many times to wake myself up... to make sure that this never happens again. I spent a fortune on courses that taught about special, recurring dreams and how to deal with them. I visited bunch of specialists, seers, therapists. All this effort for what? Nothing...

But I'm still falling... it happened again. I can't hold on anymore... My fear, my anxiety starts to take over my powerless body.

~ ¤ ~ F ~ ¤ ~ A ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ L ~ ¤ ~ I ~ ¤ ~ N ~ ¤ ~ G ~ ¤ ~

I have no clue why am I cursed with bad sleep and recurrent nightmares, that keep haunting me. And not just at night, but during the day too. They just won't let me live. The negative thoughts, the fear of being disabled and out of control. Because I know deep inside, that dreams have meanings... I know that they can come true and become reality... and not only the good ones.

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