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The Greatest Story of WW2

Imo Koivuna was part of the Finnish Special Forces soldier, Soviets hot on their heals Imo Takes 30x the amount of Hitler meth he should and lives to tell a hilariously tale

By Jesse BridgesPublished 7 months ago 9 min read

March 18, 1944. Imo and a small group of Special Forces Finnish soldiers had just finished conducting a three-day long ski patrol and were returning to base. However, they found themselves in a dire situation when ambushed by an entire platoon of Soviet soldiers. Outnumbered and unable to fight back effectively, they had no choice but to retreat and escape. To evade their pursuers, they veered off the established path and tried to carve their own trail through untouched snow.

Imo, being the point man, had the arduous task of breaking through the unpacked snow. Exhausted after three days of continuous skiing, the physical strain of leading the way was almost unbearable. He struggled to set a pace that would enable their escape, and the Soviets were catching up. Imo reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle. Inside the bottle was all of his and the rest of his squad’s supply of Pervadin. Imo didn't care for taking Pervadin. This meant that Imo would keep it safe, and nobody else would dip into it when they weren't supposed to.

Pervadin is a German drug that came out in 1938, also known as meth. Just to be clear, this isn't like Jesse Pinkman cooking it in the back of a van while adding his touch of chili powder type meth; this is high-quality pharmaceutical-grade nose torque, Some serious, Hemi V12 horsepower type Meth.

Imo popped off the lid, wanting to dump a single pill into his hand, which was the recommended dose. The problem was that the Pervadin had been sitting in his pocket; half of it was warm against his body, the other half getting cold against the outside of his jacket. Now it was congealed into one gigantic meth nugget, and the whole nugget fell into his mitten. He was unable to break off a singular piece with mittens on and a pack of soviets hot on their heels. So he said, " Fuck it," and ate the entire nugget of meth, which was roughly 30 pills worth.

Fast forward about ten minutes, Imo felt incredible! He was a new man, gone from dragging ass to tweekin’ balls. He had a life-altering revelation that he had been put on this planet to do two things and two things only: to outrun the Soviets and steal catalytic converters. But since those weren't going to be invented for like another 35 years. he went full throttle on the former. He began blazing a path through unpacked snow quicker than a fat kid after the last piece of cake.

It took only about an hour to completely lose the soviets. Not stopping or even looking back Imo continued on for another two hours. Finally, the second in command got Imo to stop for a second so they could regroup.

At that point, everyone was exhausted, well not everyone. Imo did not sit still. He was pacing back and forth, as well as talking to himself, and that's when they realized, Imo is higher than a kite with nitro boosters. They decided it was probably a good idea to take away all of his ammunition and his knife so he wouldn't hurt himself or somebody else. The second in command turned around to put the knife and ammo in his pack. Only taking a few seconds but, when he looked back up. Imo was gone.

Fast forward an unspecified amount of time, and Imo awoke. Not in the context you assume, he hadn’t laid down and fell asleep. He proceeded to ski, only God knows how many miles, in a random direction. He had blacked out and was just snapping out of it, realizing that he had no recollection of which direction he went or came from and had no idea where he was.

Looking around he noticed something moving behind the trees. No ammunition and no knife Imo does what anyone in this situation would do. He Runs! No, not away from the noise like a mentally stable person, spun to the limit he takes off straight at it, screaming a war chant any Native chief would be proud of. He leaps behind the tree straight into a snow-covered bush. Looking around he thinks “What the Fuck?” Then it dawns on him. Oh, great I’m hallucinating.

Not really knowing what else to do. He straps his skis back on and proceeded to ski around looking for his troops or allies. Few hours later he spots it, a camp off in the distance, and they had a fire going. It was all going to be okay, he's going to be saved.

Imo took off skiing towards the camp. He skied right into the middle, like a kid sliding his back tire when he stops to look cool. He looked at his buddies; his buddies looked at him. He looked at his buddies again. Wait, those weren't his buddies, those were the Soviets! " _SHIT_ ! Time to go!" Imo took off again. The Soviets attempted to chase him for a little bit, but the man was basically Tweakers on ice right now. They had no chance of actually catching him. Imo proceeded to ski a few more hours until he was tired then found a tree, laid down and went to sleep.

His sleep was probably less than 5 minutes, but, feeling full of energy and ready to go he set off again. He skied around all day long, skiing and skiing and going and going. Off in the distance he spotted a cabin, just in time too, as the light was fading quick.

He lingered in the bushes for a while outside the cabin, it was dark and he heard no sound. Yet he still thought someone was in there, so he continued to sit in the bush watching for hours into the night. As the light began to pear over the horizon, he made his move. Quietly he creeped up the steps onto the porch, grabs the doorknob and slowly opens the door. Who does he see? Absolutely know one, remember he’s trippin. So, naturally what does he do? He stripped all the copper out of it of course. Just kidding. With his teeth grinding and eyes wide, Imo went inside. Happy to have shelter, he lights a fire. Now, because of the meth, Imo didn’t start the fire in the fireplace as you normally would. Oh no, with his tweeked out mental state he built it right next to him in the middle of the cabin. Then past out.

Only moments later he’s rudely awakened from the warmth of the fire, looks around see’s that the entire cabin was on fire. He just gets up, he may be seeing it but it’s not registering, he steps outside and leans back against the outer wall, then went back to sleep.

Once again Imo is startled awake. He looks out in the woods and there he sees a pair of yellow eyes. This thing is 65 pounds of teeth, claws, fur, bad attitude, and coming straight for him. It’s GO TIME!

Imo is now in a fight for his life, he pulls out his knife and lunges at this gigantic wolverine. Finally, he gets on top of the beast, now straddling it he plunges his knife into the wolverine's chest and waits for the life to leave its body.

At that point, Imo remembers, "Wait a minute, they took my knife." He looks at his knife; that's not his knife, that's his compass, and now it's broken. “Son of a Bitch!” He looks down at the dead wolverine, sort of a wolverine anyways. He's actually sitting on a log. He had hallucinated the entire thing.

Imo gets up off the log that he just killed, looking around, not knowing what to do puts back on his ski’s and continues on for the entire day seeing no signs of life at all. As the darkness of night begins to fall, he sees a fire off in the distance. Possibly his camp or another Soviet one, either way, he pressed on. He’s skiing and he's skiing and he's going and he's going all night long determined to make it there. It's almost like the fire is running from him. It appears as if he is no closer than when he began. With no other option, He presses on. As dawn breaks Imo realizes something and his mouth drops open. He has not been getting closer, he was chasing the North Star, thinking it was a fire for the last eight hours. Imo, still has no idea where he's going, it’s been two, three maybe four days. Running on his last bit of rations now he’s got to find some sign of human life, and quick.

So, off he goes again. He's skiing and he's skiing, and he's going and he's going. Around midday he comes across this abandoned German camp. Hoping for some leftover supplies he makes his way towards the camp. Not thinking clearly for obvious reasons, an important detail slips his mind. Booby-traps.

See, whenever the Germans abandoned something in World War II, they usually booby-trapped it, and that's exactly what he remembered when he tripped the mine.

Luckily for him, by some miracle when he skied over the mine he wasn’t killed instantly. But it did end up blowing his foot off, throwing him to the ground. Ears ringing, still Wide awake, Imo's only thought was, "That's it, I'm dead for sure. There's no way I'm making it out of this." He said he laid there for a week, keep in mind he’s still on tweeker time. It may have only been 30 minutes we have no idea, literally just too high to die.

At some point he finally gets up and starts hobbling towards the camp again. He makes it all the way to the building, grabs the doorknob. As he turns the knob, he recalls thinking "Well, at least the base is as real as that dam land mine was.” While thinking this, he opens the door and sets off another booby-trap. The explosion knocks him 30 yards flat on his back with the door on top of him. Somehow still alive but now unable to move he just lays there, and completely gives up, closes his eyes and waits for death.

At some point he hears a voice yelling at him. How long he was asleep is a mystery, but he’s still alive. A few Finnish soldiers were out hunting and just happened to stumble upon him saving his life. Imo smiles and passes back out.

When Imo comes to, he's in a Finnish hospital where he's informed that he has been missing for 14 days, and they found him 250 miles from where he originally departed from his squad. He now weighs a mere 95 pounds and has a resting heart rate of 200 beats per minute, 14 days after taking all of the meth.

He lost his leg from the mine and thanks to a poorly booby-trapped door, and the door taking the majority of the blow. He only lost one eye. Imo was discharged then returned back to his home town, married his high school sweetheart and had two children. After all that, Imo lived a long , happy life, passing away at the age of 71.

World History

About the Creator

Jesse Bridges

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