This and then that and then…? Quack?

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This

and then that

and then…?

Quack?

The Ultimate way to Experience a very “Special” film!

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This is my guide to getting ready to watch one particular movie.

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I will walk you through each preparatory steps and only then reveal what this movie IS!

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Step 1.

Setting!

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You are going to want to dress the room thusly.

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Drape all the carpets and cloth furniture in very thick sheeting.

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Make sure that the phone STAYS plugged in and is always within easy reach!

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You will need a large heavy cartoon style mallet

And a large plastic bucket for each viewer!

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You will also need one corkscrew EACH viewer and a decent amount of cheap wine, at least two bottles of stuff EACH that is over 12% by volume!

Even for those that are not strong drinkers

(Note One corkscrew EACH NOT between you!)

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Those who do not drink, May heaven have mercy on your poor soul!

Because this may be a good time to start!

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Step 2.

Audience

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You will want at least three people but no more than five for this viewing experience, all over the age of eighteen!

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VERY IMPORTANT NOTE!

Do not invite ANYONE you actually like or care about!

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Step 3

Before starting…

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Nail the frot door closed.

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Nail all the windows closed.

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And somehow rig both the sound and the picture so they can NOT be turned off!

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EG

Wiring the TV DIRECTLY to the wall so there is no plug to pull!

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Turn the volume up to full bast then remove the volume knobs or buttons so it can not be turned back down!

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Step 4

The Film!

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You are now ready to watch the 1986 sci-fi action-adventure…

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HOWARD THE DUCK!

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Director

Willard Huyck

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Starring

Ed Gale and Lea Thomson

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Step 5

How to watch this film.

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Stage 1

Drink the cheap arse wine as quickly as you can!

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Stage 2

Scream and vomit at the horror you are witnessing on screen.

It is ironic that the Director is called “Huyck” because that is the sound you will be making into the buckets provided!

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Stage 3

After pleading with the deity of your choice for this pain to end,

Switch sides when nothing happens and start begging the forces of darkness for sweet release instead!

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Stage 4

Resort to using the corkscrews provided to gouge out your own eyes to avoid having to see any more of this film!

(now you know why you needed one corkscrew each!)

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Stage 5

Take the large mallet and try to, out of mercy, bludgeon each other to death.

Try not to be selfish and cowardly by insisting that You get to have your brains caved in first.

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Stage 6

IF you happen to be unlucky enough to be the last one left alive

Try your best, however futile, to bludgeon yourself to death!

Anything is better than reaching the “Condom in the wallet scene” of this horrible film!

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Stage 7 version 1

If (or rather when) you find yourself at the gates of hell,

Stick two fingers up at the devil with a smile on your face and proudly say,

“You have NOTHING on me!”

“I piss on all your worst tortures!”

“For I have endured the film Howard the Duck back on earth!

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Stage 8 version 1

Let your soul scream forever in abject eternal horror as the devil just nods and smiles back and says to his demons

“Please escort this person to our special Howard the Duck on endless repeat chamber!”

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Stage 7 version 2

In the VERY unlikely event, you get to any sort of heaven

Enjoy the hero-worship of all the saints and martyrs as they look upon you in awe

For non of them have suffered in death as you have done!

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Stage 8 version 2

Have the local deity of this heaven get really pissed off and jealous of you,

SO much so,

That they cast you into hell whether you deserved it or not!

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Now go see Stage 7 version 1!

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Just in case I am a tiny bit unclear on this matter

I do am not practically fond of the 1986 film Howard the Duck and I may have a slight prefered inclination to perhaps not watch it!

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