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Reed Alexander's Review of 'The Taking of Deborah Logan'

The Taking of a Giant Shit...

By Reed AlexanderPublished 5 years ago 2 min read

*sigh* Jesus Fucking Christ......

Look, Hollywood, we need to have a serious conversation about this shaky camera thing. A.K.A. The newest, shiniest, most polished, and overused piece of shit that's been taking over horror as a genre? It needs to stop. Not just stop, but be systematically removed from all historical records and completely neutralized. Look, it was necessary for a group of young aspiring actors making The Blare Witch Project. They needed a way to create elements of a dark and chaotic atmosphere on their sshoestringbudget and this was their only option. Hollywood does not need to do that and in fact, there are very few reason that it's even appropriate. You basically just have the camera guy wiggle around his view to create atmosphere when you're simply, A) too lazy to set the atmosphere your damn self, B) lack the imagination necessary to set up a proper atmosphere in the first place. Seriously, fucking stop it.

If you so desperately need an explanation as to when it's okay and how it should fucking work, please read this older review. Now note, and I really want to draw special attention to this, in the review linked below, I point out that a 12 year old makes a better Shaky Camera Movie than the rest of the industry. This was clearly the director taking a personal swing at the horror industry in general.

And what's really fucked up about this? This movie could have been great. I really mean that and I don't often say that about a movie I'm about to piss all over. But seriously, this movie could have been a masterpiece without that hack bullshit, half assed, sad excuse, for what some-fucking-how passes as cinematography.

You know, technically this movie passed the ‘30 Minute Rule’ (That’s where I stop watching if nothing happens directly involving the plot during an interval of 30 minutes or greater), but after 30 minutes I still couldn't keep watching. I'm sorry but I just couldn't justify doing it. And fucking god, I wanted to. I wanted to so damn badly, but they just fucked it all up! You see, the tension with Deborah's illness was palpable. This movie didn’t need to be some fake ass mocumentary in order to make the plot relatable. THE EMOTIONS OF THE ACTORS MADE THE GOD DAMN PLOT RELATABLE!!! This movie didn’t need a jackassy camera guy filming himself tripping over his own two feet to make atmosphere. Deborah and that damn house WERE THE FUCKING ATMOSPHERE YOU DUMB TWAT!!! The movie Nell didn't need a fake documentary crew to make one of the most magical movies about isolation and human connection. "The Exorcist" didn't need shaky camera to make demonic possession spooky. DEMONIC POSSESSION IS FUCKING SPOOKY!!! ISOLATIONISM IS A SETTING!!! HOW HARD IS IT TO GET THIS SHIT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS!!! FUCK!!! God damn it, you are giving me a headache…

I don't want to care about shit movies like this. I want to just hate it and move the fuck on with my life, BUT GOD DAMN IT, YOU JUST WON'T LET ME!!! This wasn't a bad movie, this was a great movie made bad! This is worse than when a movie is just fucking dumb or just fucking bad, this is smearing shit all over a work of art and acting like you're edgy! YOU'RE NOT EDGY, YOU'RE JUST A DOUCHE-BAG!!!

Start over, remake it, and this time get it fucking right! 10/10 would not watch more than 30min...

*drops mic*


About the Creator

Reed Alexander

I'm the foulmouthed horror movie critic. I post new reviews every Sunday, so stay tuned =D

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