Movie Review: 'Transformers Rise of the Beasts'

Transformers Rise of the Beasts (2023)

Directed by Stephen Caple Jr.

Written by Joby Harold, Daniel Metayer, Josh Peters, Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber

Starring Anthony Ramos, Dominque Fishback, Pete Davidson, Peter Cullen

Release Date June 9th, 2023

Published June 9th, 2023

I'm going to make a strange comparison but hear me out: Transformers is basically, The Little Mermaid but market tested for boys. That's not to say that either is gender exclusive, rather merely that the market testing will tend to find the chaotic silliness of Transformers has more appeal among young boys than it does among young girls. Young girls meanwhile, prefer the colorful magic and music of The Little Mermaid to the clattering cacophony of chaos that makes up the Transformers franchise.

It helps both films that the intended audiences for each film have not reached their full intellectual development. I'm of the belief that anyone who has reached mental maturity really doesn't enjoy a Transformers movie but rather, are tolerant and supportive of its existence. As long as their are children who delight over the silliness of Robots who turn into cars, there will always be an audience for the Transformers. Whether that is a good or bad thing is wholly subjective.

Transformers Rise of the Beasts tells the story of creatures called Maximals. They have a key to a portal between universes and their home world is destroyed by a giant planet eating robot that wants the portal key in order to reach other planets to eat. Naturally, the Maximals bring their super dangerous portal key to Earth where, millions of years later, the planet eating robot guy sends his minions to retrieve the portal key and kill anything that gets in their way.

The portal key is discovered on Earth by a museum intern with big dreams of being an archaeologist. Dominique Fishback plays the wide-eyed and curious intern, Elena, who will prove pivotal to protecting the Earth from the robot invaders. The evil robots have a name of some sort but my brain refused to retain that. Elena will soon be partnered with would be criminal and former good guy soldier, Noah (Anthony Ramos). Noah has somehow become partnered with the Transformers and is searching for the portal key on behalf of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen).

If you haven't lost interest yet, good for you. I checked out around the time I heard the name 'Maximals.' I understand that some of you may have a nostalgic connection to the robot-animal hybrid. I'm told that the Maximals had their own cartoon show that was popular at one time. That's great, I don't relate to that at all. I played with Transformers as a kid and I think there were animal Transformers when I was into the toys, but I don't really remember. I stopped caring about Transformers years ago.

After having lost hours of my life being assaulted by Michael Bay's abysmal vision of the Transformers franchise, I simply cannot get on board with these movies. I did enjoy Bumblebee a few years ago but that film had one Transformer, he was cute. That film also had Hailee Steinfeld and John Cena, actors who I absolutely adore and will follow everywhere. No offense to Anthony Ramos or Dominique Fishback, but neither actor has that kind of goodwill cache yet that they can make me me forget I am suffering through a Transformers movie.

That said, I'm old. I'm middle aged, the Transformers is not and has never been aimed at my sensibilities. I am not here to take away the fun that other people are having. Little kids are probably going to enjoy this stuff. It's loud and colorful, it has big toys in it. It has a script that sounds like a Kindergarten teacher wrote it, so that should play well with the target audience. It's simple, straightforward. The film gets to the point at a good pace. All good things.

Were I not receiving a small commission to write this article, I would not be writing this article. I would prefer not to see another Transformers movie but modern blockbuster discourse requires people like me to put aside time for even the movies we have no interest in. I try to remain hopeful going into movies like this. I hope for a surprise, a little spark of inspiration. I got that in Bumblebee which remains genuinely charming to this day. I did not find that spark in Transformers Rise of the Beasts. It's not a miserable movie like the Michael Bay Transformers movie, which I rightfully compared to a physical assault. But, this isn't an entirely pleasant time either.

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