Mermaids and Morons

Authors Note:

As both a Dungeons & Dragons player and an author, I've decided to retell sessions of a recent campaign I've started with my friends. This is not simply a transcription. I have put this in my own voice based on the events that "happened" in the campaign session as I would if I were writing a fantasy novel through traditional mechanisms. I'll put this note at the start of any following episodes in case people are just tuning in.

Episode 1

The ocean breeze and gentle splashing of water on the sides of the boat as they sailed towards Eastland. Kabaici sat on a wooden stool atop a small stage at the back of the dining hall, playing her lyre and singing a gentle sea ballad,

On the coast of Marinha

Danced the princess Dionysia

In the garden and down to the sea

Twirling and prancing happily

The waves they whispered

Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia, Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia

Calling and calling

Calling her name

Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia, Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia

Upon one morn, she harrowed a moan

'Oh dear flowers, I am so alone.

The other children they sing and play,

But all I just sit as your leaves so sway!

In the garden and down to the sea

Sobbing and sniffling tragically

The waves they whispered

Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia, Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia

Calling and calling, calling her name

Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia, Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia

Up from the depths a serpent arose

A face as gentle as prose

'I, Labismena, will play with you child'

It's voice sweet and mild

In the garden and down to the sea

Living each day happily

The serpent whispered

Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia, Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia

Calling and calling

Calling her name

Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia, Diiiiiiiiiionyyyyyyysia

Each day they played

The more each one aged

Until the serpent could play no more

Parting at the shore

He no more whispered her name

But promised he would come again

As a queen died

To her husband she cried

Whom my ring fits, shall be your new bride

Young Dionysia, dreamed of a prince

And as the ring fit, she felt her heart wince

As she begged and she pleaded

Her father's eyes became beaded

'You are a lucky girl,

This elderly king can give you the world'

In the garden and down to the sea

Sobbing and sniffling tragically

Calling out to the waves

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

Calling and calling

Calling her name

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

She arose with a plan

'Say you will marry the man

Only when he gives you a dress that is grand

One which matches the flowers and fields of the land'

She, through her father, sent word of the request

Upon its arrival she was filled with behest

In the garden and down to the sea

Panicked and crying fearfully

Calling out to the waves

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

Calling and calling

Calling her name

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

Rising at once to the sound of her wishes

'Request a dress the color of sea and fishes'

Her father, dismayed, sent word to the king

The dress's arrival made her heart sink

In the garden and down to the sea

Panicked and crying fearfully

Calling out to the waves

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

Calling and calling

Calling her name

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

He rose once again, a gleam in his eyes

'Ask for a dress like the stars in the skies

In the time we have bought through these lies

I have been making for you a surprise

A boat to escape into the seas

So you may go wherever you please'

Once she received this last gift from the king

Hurriedly she packed up her things

In the garden and down to the sea

Similing and sprinting joyously

Calling out to the waves

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

Calling and calling

Calling her name

Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena, Laaaaaaaaaaabismeeeeeeeeeena

This time when rose, she confessed

'I, like you, once was a princess,

Cursed to the seas until I might meet

Another, like you, who's so sweet

She would call out my name

Three times when greatest happiness came

Promise me on your wedding day

Thrice my name you will say'

Carelessly Dionysa said yes

Out of the garden and off to the sea

Sailing and finally free

She sang to herself

However, as Kabaici was about to reach the tragic ending when the princess forgot about her tragic best friend, the sailors all strangely stood and walked out of the dining hall. Kabaici huffed, setting her lyre down next to the hem of her long silky gown. Bemused, she watched as all but the captain, first mate, and two random men, if a giant minotaur and a bright red teifling can be considered men, shambled to the deck. The first mate stood up with glazed eyes as if to join the sailors before promptly plopping in his seat.

A sneaking suspicion of what may be occurring started to form, but she'd never seen it in person before. Sert, the first mate, leaped up again, as he came to his senses and ran to the kitchen. He came out with beeswax in his ears, screaming as though he couldn't hear himself, "WE'RE UNDER ATTACK! SIRENS! WE'RE BEING ATTACKED BY SIRENS!"

He then forcefully plugged the ears of the two men still sat at their table before approaching Kabaici. "BARD, WILL YOU HELP US FIGHT THE MERMAIDS?" Sert scampered off before Kabaici could attempt to decline, so she followed, if only for curiosity's sake. She reached the deck just to watch four men blindly jump to their deaths. Well, that's what thinking with your dick instead of your brain will get you, she thought to herself.

Sert was running around yelling and sticking wax in people's ears. The melee was...amusing. Not intending to go down with the ship, Kadaici summoned her bardic inspiration to cast what had been taught to her as a Mantle of Inspiration. Singling out her targets, Captain Arnold, First Mate Sert, and some random dude with a bunch of swords, she closed her eyes and focused.

As if on cue, they all looked her way, just as the wind blew through her long dark hair, whipping around her catlike ears. "EVERYONE! GET IN THE ROWBOATS! WE'RE TAKING THE FIGHT TO THEM!" Sert proclaimed. Aghast at the unnecessary stupidity, Kabaici watched as Sert, Arnold, the teifling, and the guy with the swords jumped in the starboard row boat. Determined to make sure she wasn't stranded at sea on an empty ship she didn't know how to operate, she threw her leather armor over her dress and jumped in the boat. Besides, if she wanted to perfect her craft and take back her kingdom, she'd have to practice weaponizing the bardic arts somehow.

Quickly they were swarmed by a colorful mass of vicious mermaids. The tiefling, apparently a magic wielder of some sort, skillfully bombarded the sirens. The rest defaulted to more traditional weaponry. Reflecting on the words of her tutor, Kadaici composed herself. A bard's great weapon is their words. With a little magic, the pen truly is mightier than the sword. Channeling her long practiced magic, she glared at a bleeding, pink mermaid, "Are you sure those are seashells you got there? They seem more like A-shells to me..." The mermaid hardly reacted, apparently preoccupied with the more traditional onslaught.

Frustrated at her failure, Kadaici stabbed at a purple mermaid, blood gushing out of its shoulder. She closed her eyes, really focusing, determined for her cantrip to work. Opening them abruptly, she leaned towards a yellow mermaid and sneered, "It's quite sad really. Wanting all these men who don't want you so desperately that you have to resort to magic. Pity men don't like their play things to smell like trout." The shock on this poor mermaid's face froze as her heart stopped and she sunk to the bottom of the ocean. Pity she looked to men for worth, but it is what it is. Content with practicing the Vicious Mockery cantrip to effectiveness, she was now bored of this encounter that really didn't need to take place. A green merman tried clawing at the boat and she kicked him in the face.

While she was distracted, another mermaid took the opportunity to avenge their fallen sister, slapping Kadaici across the face. Blood spurted out of her mouth and onto Arnold's face, catching his attention. Upon seeing the wounded beauty who had given him strength to fight, he angrily attacked and slaughtered the vicious mermaid dared harm Kadaici. Taking a deep breath a looking around, she realized they'd won. As they rowed back to the main ship, she took a deep breath, slowly curing her wounds. Immediately upon reboarding the ship, she retired to her room, preparing for another day of travel in the morning.

Upon waking up, Kabaici washed her face, the soap gently foaming in the subtle, dark fur of her face. It's subtly was sign of more prominent human ancestry in her Tabaxi line, a trait common of the noblefolk in their homelands. She donned a sheer, flowy white blouse, and some practical black pants. No need to be in performance attire until dinner.

Slipping out of her room to the dining hall for breakfast, she sat the captain's table. They were already joined by the red teifling and the minotaur from last night as well as a 9 foot tall hulking goliath, but she took no mind.

"Remind me again why you want to go to the Isle of Mists?" Sert asked the three men.

The minotaur piped up, "It is part of my trial of faith. I was led here by the stars and I will follow them until I save the world!"

Kadaici couldn't help but raise her eyebrows. Who did this guy think he was? Sert, respectfully but clearly having similar thoughts, asked, "And...from what exactly are you saving the world from?"

The goliath nearly answered, but the minotaur shot him a pointed glare, so he fell silent. Awkwardly prodding their food with their forks, everyone was silent until Sert spoke in a deep, grim voice, "As much as I respect your piety, I feel the need to remind that this island is notoriously dangerous, are you sure you want to go?"

The teifling man nodded and Kadaici perked up. "I didn't know we had a stop before Eastland. Can you tell me more about this place?"

Sert nodded, "These three have requested a stop at the Isle of Mists. We've only dropped of one man there before, and he never returned. Legend has it that the island is cursed. Monsters that have not been seen since olden times thrive but little else. Not even sound escapes through the barriers of mists once it has gone through. Kalmazir's god has commanded him to venture there on a quest of faith."

"I'm in," Kadaici replied instantly.

"Pardon?" Sert shook his head in bewilderment.

"Can I get off here instead of Eastland?"

"Why on Earth would you want to?"

"I set out to improve my skills as a bard. This seems like the perfect opportunity."

Sert couldn't put two words together to express his bafflement, so his lips just opened and closed repeatedly. Even the large, silent Captain Arnold looked more than a little surprised.

Kalmazir piped up, "So, this means we're friends now!"

"No," Kadaici said curtly, "It just means we're sharing a boat to the island."

The goliath, the teifling, and Kalmazir, the minotaur, all gave her puzzled looks before Kalmazir spoke again, "...you...intend to go...to a cursed island...alone?"

As much as she didn't trust men she'd never met, she had to admit that didn't seem like the smartest call. Kadaici had barely graduated from the College of Glamour before leaving her kingdom. This might be biting off more than she could chew. You really think taking back a kingdom from Zakar is going to be any easier? Taking a deep sigh, intent on staying in control of the situation, she folded her arms, "Unless you need my help on your quest, I suppose."

"Perfect!" The minotaur chirped, "We're friends now!"

While she gave him a quizzical glare, she had to admit that his demeanor was somewhat endearing compared to most she had met.

Sert cleared his throat, "I feel the need to mention, we have paid you, Kadaici, to provide entertainment for the rest of the journey to Eastland..."

"How much do I owe you to get off at this stop?"

"10 gold."

Batting her eyelashes and leaning across the table, "Can we do 8?" She was used to large expenses, but she needed to conserve her funds unless she wanted to reveal her noble status.

Arnold shook his head. Rolling her eyes she slid over the coin.

"Right then," Sert straightened, "In the next hour, we will board the rowboat and head to the island. We will come back to pick you up in 14 days, if you are still alive. The mist is visually impenetrable, so have your goliath throw a burning log through it at night, then we will be able to see you and come for you."

Everyone nodded. After a long pause, Kadaici asked, "If I am going to be traveling with you, tell me about yourselves."

"I'm Kalmazir. I'm from a plainsland, but I'm not of your world. I was brought here to fulfill a prophecy and once I do, I will return home."

Almost in unison Kadaici and the red teifling asked, "What do you mean 'not of this world'?"

Kalmazir shrugged, "I was brought to this realm by the stars, but as hard as it is to believe, I truly am not familiar with your customs and places and universe."

Kadaici most certainly didn't believe him, but quite frankly didn't care. "And you, goliath?"

His grumblings to her were incomprehensible, so she hoped she would pick up his name from conversations later on. The teifling seemed to recognize the syllables the man had strung together as his place of origin, but that meant little for her.

"Well, I'm Kalen. I grew up on the streets, kinda just traveling. I'm looking for an adventure because I'm strapped for cash," the teifling explained before all eyes turned to Kadaici.

"I'm Kadaici. I studied the bardic arts in the College of Glamour, but I'm seeking to increase my skill in applying magic combatively."

After introductions had finished, they compared the gear they had, ensuring that they had enough to feasibly survive the island. "You play flute as well?" Kadaici smirked.

Kalmazir murmured, "Ya, but I'm no bard though..."

He had hardly finished when Sert and Kalen were chanting "Bard off! Bard off! Bard off!" Kadaici was all too happy to oblige. Pulling out a flute of her own, she stood and danced while she played a unique, upbeat tune. Skipping around the table and twirling, her blouse hem fluttered around her waist. She bowed and extended a hand to her fellow musician.

Kalmazir stayed seated and focused as he played a very traditional slow folk song. It was pleasant enough, but as she again took her turn it was clear her talents were more refined. He tried once more, a slightly more upbeat tune, but Kalen had a devilish glint in her eyes. As Kadaici began her third round, as was traditional in a bardic duel, she stumbled, missing a note and performing uncharacteristically poor. Stopping to ask Kalen why he was digging through her things, Kalmazir seemed to intuitively know the plan. Kalen strummed her lyre and Kalmazir played another simple song, but laughter erupted from the table.

"Well, this has been fun, but I believe the time has come to leave," Sert chuckled.

They all nodded and packed up their things, Kadaici donning her leather armor in preparation. As the approached the island it was strangely silent. She could hear the ocean as they rowed through it, but not the waves as they crashed on the shore behind the eerie mist. Hesitantly, they stepped off the boat and onto the island. As soon as they were behind the mist the roars of the a vivacious jungle erupted.

Kalmazir quickly grabbed a pebble, threw it through the mist, and stuck his head through the gaseous barrier. She couldn't hear what he said, even standing right next to him, but as he pulled his head through he explained, "I wanted to check that throwing something through the barrier of mist would be seen. I don't want to be stranded here, hopelessly throwing flaming logs that disappear into the void."

"Did they see the pebble?" Kadaici inquired hesitantly.

He nodded and they all turned towards the ominous jungle. What had they gotten themselves into?