Mario, Zombies and the Return of the Mad Titan Part II

Mario and Rick walked through the vibrant kingdom as Thanos lay bleeding and groaning on the ground. But as they neared a suspiciously large green pipe that emerged from the earth, Mario appeared to have a sudden change of heart.

“You know-a-what?”

“What?”

“I don’t a-think we should just-a leave him here.”

“The purple f*** threw a black hole at me, he‘ll be fine.’

“Nope. Nope. In-a-the Mushroom Kingd — ”

“Damnit, Mario. Enough about the Mushroom Kingdom.”

Mario looked visibly discouraged.

“In-a-the Mushroom Kingdom…” he continued a couple decibels lower. “We forgive.”

“For f***’s sake. Fine. But can I see the gauntlet?”

“I-a-knew you’d come around,” Mario said brightly as he thoughtlessly relinquished the gauntlet.

Rick eyed the shining metal contraption with curious eyes and an arched eyebrow as Mario continued back toward the fallen titan. He lay face down at the sight of the crushing defeat. A lone goomba was still proceeding to bite at his ankle.

“Come to kick me while I’m down?” spat the destroyer of half the universe poutily.

“What — no, I’m — I’m-a-here to set-a-things right,” Mario said as he lowered his glove supportively toward Thanos.

Thanos looked skeptically toward the mustachioed man. He briefly considered taking his hand but hesitated.

“But — but… no one’s ever been nice to me before,” said the cosmic super power with tears welling behind his puppy eyes.

“That-a-stops today,” Mario gestured again for Thanos’ hand and Thanos tentatively accepted. A clink sounded audibly in the background, but Mario made nothing of it. But it was followed by a rather dramatic zap.

And the zap was followed by an absolutely guttural sound. “COORRAAALLL,” Rick moaned. Rick was standing there across from his departed son, Carl.

“S***.” said the Mad Titan. “You gave him the Infinity Gauntlet!?”

“Well-a-yeah, he asked for it.”

Thanos quickly marched over toward Rick with his powerful suit of armor and swiped the Gauntlet from his hand.

“Hey!” said Rick who, mid-reunion, hadn’t noticed the giant purple man in armor sneaking up behind him. Thanos put the Gauntlet on his hand and, with another clink of metal, snapped Carl back out of existence.

“No using the Gauntlet to return lost loved ones,” said Thanos with an oddly parental tone.

Rick stood there blinkingly as his only son shriveled to ashes. Carl fell to the ground unceremoniously. Even Mario seemed unsure how to react. Rick looked shell-shocked as he lunged at the Mad Titan. As Rick grabbed a question mark brick that was floating in mid-air and prepared himself to beat the armored warrior with a blunt object, Thanos unsheathed a colossal battle axe.

As their hostilities quickly devolved into a cartoonish cloud of smoke, Mario leapt between the two and tried his best to mediate.

“A-stop. There’s-a-no need for violence,” Mario obliged as the dust settled.

“He killed COORALL!”

“Matters of fate are not to be trifled with. The one-eyed freak was better off dead,”

At this, Rick powered into the glove that Mario was using to try to restrain him.

“A-guys, guys!” pleaded Mario, panting slightly. “We-can-a make-a-peace.”

It took ten minutes and an annoyingly Italian monologue, but Mario persuaded the two to set aside their differences and make up.

“Now I-a want you to come up-a with 3 things you like about Rick.”

“But — ” said the destroyer of half of all life.

“3 things!”

“Fine… I think you’re nice.”

“Like-a-you-mean it.”

“I think you’re nice,” Thanos said a little more assertively now. “And I uh… think you’re funny.”

“Good. A-good.”

“And I…” The Mad Titan looked directly toward the grizzled zombie apocalypse survivor now. “I think you’re a good friend.” Thanos spoke with a surprising sincerity. At this, Thanos and Rick exchanged a hug that went on a little too long for Mario’s comfort.

As the day wore on, the three found themselves sharing tea with a trio of multi-colored Toads.

“They’re really not great conversationalists…” Thanos emerged from a punctuated pause. A yellow Toad looked toward him and blinked twice.

“Yeah…” Mario admitted.

“Do they speak… English?” The yellow Toad’s vacant pupils adjusted now on Rick.

“A-ha… no.” Mario admitted once more. But suddenly, the entire earth began to shake.

“What is that?” asked the Mad Titan.

The bemused look on the face of the multi-colored Toads quickly turned into abject terror. “Waaaahh!” yelled the red one. “Waaaahh!” chimed in the yellow. The blue one proceeded to run in frantic circles himself before adding, “Waaahh!”

The earth continued to vibrate. A colossal figure appeared to emerge over the horizon.

“What in the f*** is that?” asked Rick now.

“Mama mia,” offered Mario as he put his face into his palm in defeat.

“Wait a minute — ” said Thanos as the figure rapidly bore down on their tea party.

“What is it?” asked Rick.

“I know what that is…”

“Yeah? Think now would be a good time to let us know?”

“It is a being of unspeakable power…” said Thanos urgently.

The gigantic white figure shook the entire earth now with each step.

“Is he made of… marshmallow?” Rick asked, somewhere in-between perplexed and concerned.

“Dough,” said Thanos confidently.

“What-a in-a-the-name of — ”

“The Pillsbury doughboy’s powers know no bounds… he’s — ”

Rick loaded his gun. Without anyone’s notice, Mario had changed into his Tanooki outfit.

“He’s a being of pure chaos and destruction…”

It continued approaching with colossal pounds against the earth of the Mushroom Kingdom.

“… capable of laying waste to entire worlds with his insatiable appetite,” Thanos continued.

“He’s an entity of divine chaos… a celestial force of complete and utter pandemonium.”

But the red plumber and beleaguered zombie fighter were ready for the challenge. The colossal white figure towered above them with his droopy, doughy flesh. Mario proceeded to leap into the air and tailwhip the gooey aggressor.

But the megalthic marshmallow —

“It’s dough!” shouted Thanos toward the narrator, catching him off guard.

The doughy demi-god picked up an entire castle within his terrible white hands and hurled it at Rick. But Rick was so well-armed that the fortress made of solid stone hurling toward him through the sky was no match.

“Mario, use your fire balls!” yelled Thanos as he readied his Infinity Gauntlet.

Having achieved impressive heights with his tanooki suit, Mario proceeded to let out a dazzling series of fireballs on the franken-fructose monster. The Pillsbury Doughboy let out a bellow that resonated throughout the kingdom as his sugary skin began to simmer.

Rick emerged firing from the crumbled remnants of the fallen castle. But his bullets did little to hurt the colossal confection.

“Thanos, the Gauntlet!”

“Hold on… it’s charging up…” said Thanos impatiently as he hit the contraption with a giant purple fist.

As Mario proceeded unleashing a slow-rolling inferno on the dyspeptic, doughy delicacy, the enormous aggressor angrily balled a hand and prepared to pound the plumber. His arm swung through the air with a powerful wind that sent Toads “waaah”-ing. But as he was only seconds from flattening the mustachioed videogame protagonist, a sudden zap could be heard.

Thanos used the Infinity Gauntlet to shrink the terrifying aggressor down to the size of a donut. With the commericial mascot a much more approachable size, he was surprisingly apologetic.

“I just don’t know what came over me,” said the Pillsbury Doughboy earnestly. It took time, but over the course of the afternoon the cosmic titan, the mustachioed Italian and the rugged zombie apocalypse marauder eventually forgave the animate dessert for his misdeeds.