Loved not Lost

Sharp rays of sunlight hit Ruth’s eyes as they pierced through between the spaces of the sheer white curtains above her head. Warm on her face, and too bright to even squint her eyes open, she raised a hand to her face to block the sun as the wedding band took in the sunlight and smiled a glint back. She hoisted herself up with the help of the opposite arm to have her back lean against the pillow and headboard, propped up against head of the bed. A soft, golden halo cast around her as the sun warmed up her back from the window behind her and a gold hue bounced of her warm brown hair.

She felt well rested and tried to adjust the brightness of the summer morning by having her face rest in her hands for a couple of seconds. As she had come to realise she was alone on the bed, Jungkook stood at the door threshold with a tray of food just for a second or two after he arrived, eager. Standing there, admiring the ethereal scene before him, his face softened. Ruth looked up. Their eyes met.

“Noona, you’re awake,” Jungkook smiled, “I’ve made something for you to eat. I’m sorry if it’s not as good but I’ve been practicing with Jin hyung. And I followed the recipe exactly!”

He hastily walked towards the bed to place the tray next her and sat down on the edge of the bed facing Ruth. Carefully but eagerly, he spooned some eggs in purgatory on a slice of toasted baguette and held it in front of her lips, with his left hand cupped just under her jaw to catch any crumbs. Ruth leaned forward with a smile and took a bite.

“I-Is it good? ” he asks with anticipation in his voice and hope in his eyes.

“Yes, Jungkook. It’s really good. Thank you. You must have practiced a lot,” she smiled with gratitude and appreciation not only for the food, but for the considerate and hard working man she can now call her husband. Jungkook cracked a grin of pride on his face, satisfied.

She turned to her left to check the alarm clock on the bedside table. “Have you had breakfast?” She asked, looking back at Jungkook from the time, thinking how late she had woken up. Only, the clock read just nine-forty; it wasn’t late at all. She planned to wake up before Jungkook to make him breakfast. “No,” he responded with a warm and reassuring tone, “I haven’t yet, but I will.”

All that was in his mind at that moment was how happy he is that this new chapter began in his life with her. Sure, he was younger than her by 4 years, but he wanted to protect her as a man. As her man. “I’m so sorry. Usually I wake up earlier but I have no idea why my alarm didn’t go off toda—“

“Oh, it did but I turned it off for you. You had a late night after the ride back from the wedding, so you were in a deep sleep and I woke up inste—“

“I’m so sorry, I don’t usually sleep this late—“

“Don’t be” —Ruth was caught off guard of Jungkook’s soft and calm expression and he couldn’t help but crack a grin— “you should rest too, Noona. I know you’ve taken care of me all this time and I’m grateful. But you should let me take care of you too now. I’m your—” Jungkook paused for a quick second, realising it himself too, then continued to finish his sentence in a soft voice, “I’m your husband. So it’s my duty and responsibility. And as your husband who should be there for you, make life less troublesome for you, be a strong support for you to lean back for comfort on, I want to carry out my duty well. I want to take care of... m-my wife well,” he stuttered, nervously. It was new to him, to call her that. They just got married yesterday after all. He brought another morsel of food to Ruth’s lips.

“Of course, life goes on and things happen which we have no control over. Sometimes we can leave the things that trouble us. But as people, there are some burdens which we can’t leave so easily. If you run from them, they still come back to you. And it can begin to weigh heavy on you as you go along. Now that I’m here, I’ll be there with you to help you carry and lighten the load for you. Of course, if I could carry all of it for you I would. But Rapmon hyung told me once that even though people need to carry their burdens, they still need to carry themselves too and need to take responsibility for them to keep taking steps forward. But some people forget to let themselves catch up to their own selves, and mind, and health because they’re so caught up in what they need to take care of before themselves. And some people end up doing that long enough to lose themselves so it’s important keep in mind and remind yourself who you are and take care of that and yourself. You can tell me all the things that weigh you down. And there might be times where it may go on for a long time, but I’ll be there with you to carry it along. While you can catch up with yourself, and recover to gain strength, I’ll help you take care of your load. So please don’t be afraid to depend on me,” he paused a little longer than usual before he broke the short silence again, “I’ll take care of you.”

For the time Jungkook said all that he had to say, she listened in surprise and awe, and looking into his eyes so humble, so sincere, smiling. She’s never thought she’d hear such a mature confession from him before. Sure, with age he was an adult, but aside from working hard to not let his brothers down, he has only played the role of the youngest, and depended on and followed others, including her. Ruth only wanted him to be happy and safe and so she made sure he was. She didn’t ask for anything in return. And although, before the wedding, she never let him go through the trouble of taking care of her, Jungkook tried to return the favour with gratitude and by his actions only. He could never have confessed to her how much she meant to him or how safe he felt with her around, as he was too shy to say such moving words to not only someone older than him, but a woman too. Ruth, never wanting anyone to go through any trouble for her, and Jungkook tried to be quite subtle with wanting to protect her too, thinking that she never seemed to have noticed.

{22 months ago}

“Jungkook!”

He didn’t have to think twice before he knew who it was. He turned around, eager to find her. He smiled, reassured, when he found her in front of him, only a few steps away on the stage he was about to about to perform on, with a package in her hand.

“Noona! You’re here?” His smile constant on his face because it didn’t really matter where she was or how she got backstage, even though him and the group were out of town, touring for their live musical broadways. But he was still more happy that she was in front of him - with him. She also couldn’t help smiling at his childlike expression.

“Yes. I’ve sent some food over for you and your brothers but you weren’t at the dressing rooms. So I was told you’re here for a sound check. It’s your favourite this time.” She walked over those few steps of the distance between them and handed him a lunch box of homemade food, with his favourite. Jungkook only then realised the box in her hands in surprise and appreciation.

“Really? Thank you, I’m sure it’s good!” He was going to tell her she didn’t have to do so, but he thought if she didn’t, she wouldn’t be standing in front of him if she didn’t and instead, appreciated the gesture. He took the box from her hands with his left hand, noticing a strange shade of colour on her right wrist. “Noona...” he grabbed her hand to take a better look and all the joy drained from his face soon after. “How did this happen?”

“Oh,” Ruth looked at the brown bruise-like spot on the inner forearm not so far away from her wrist. She looked back at Jungkook and was surprised at his expression.

“M-my arm—“ Ruth began to explain

“Did someone hurt you?”

“I—“

“Who was it? Tell me. Please!” Desperate to find this person.

Ruth looked down and took a short deep breath.

“Jungkook?”

His eyes widened, anticipating an answer.

“You need to let me speak first so I can answer your questions,” she finished, looking quite amused at his reaction. Jungkook retrieved back from holding her wrist and looked down with his hands by his side, embarrassed. His head still down, he looked back at Ruth with his eyes only, like a guilty puppy.

“S-sorry,” he stuttered, with his hands down and together in front of him, and suddenly timid. Ruth was even more amused at the sudden changed his stance and attitude.

“I...” —Jungkook looked up at her again once again after she hesitated— “I was making the food I bought you and my wrist made contact with one of the pans while I was stirring the food on the stove, and—“

“You burnt yourself!?” He again exclaimed in shock. His eyes wide open, glued to the burnt area, almost panicking.

She ended up hurting herself while making this food for us? How is she acting like it’s nothing? It looks so painful with such a colour, yet she still came over here to deliver this food. While I’m selfishly happy she’s had to go through such trouble! He thought to himself, before he quickly put the box down beside him on the stage stool to hold her hand with both hands. “I-I’m sorry! Did you put something on it? Here, come with me—“

“Jung—“

“I can’t believe you went through so much, for me— I mean f-for all of us!” He quickly corrected himself, while making a mental note that he isn’t the only one in her mind as much as he’d like to be, as well as hoping that she didn’t notice his awkwardness.

“Jungko—“

“I’ll get the first aid team!” Jungkook was about to whisk her away when she grabbed his wrist that was holding hers with her other hand, and even used some of her body weight to stay in place before he was off in strides longer than she can run with.

“Jeon Jungkook, stop!” Jungkook, froze looking at her, until he realised, “Did I hurt yo—“

Ruth’s hand immediately landed over his lips, stopping him from saying anything else.

With his eyes wide and his face blooming red, he could only blink in surprise from such a gesture. He can’t believe she did that. My lips... they’re touching her hand! What do I do now? Does that mean... no, don’t be stupid. Should I do something? Deep in his own thoughts, time seemed to have stopped for Jungkook, while he looked at her overwhelmed face slowly emerging into an accomplished smile.

“Jungkook!“ —Jungkook realised where he was again— “Listen!” Jungkook swallowed hard and did as he was told, still frozen. Ruth removed he hand from his mouth and Jungkook unknowingly pursed his lips. “Don’t worry. I ran it under cold water for a good amount of time. I will be okay. You need to eat before you go off to do something else and forget. You guys are always busy and you in particular forget everything when it comes to your live shows!”

“A-are you sure? I can get someone to—“

She placed her hand on top of his in reassurance and his eyes shot towards their hands, but soon at Ruth again when she started speaking again. It was as if her voice was his rescue, stealing him away from his own hectic thoughts and bringing him back to reality.

“I’m fine! Don’t worry, it’s only a small burn—”

“But it’s not! It still looks fresh and painful!” He insisted.

“Okay!” She raised her hands, surrendering to his stubbornness. “Okay. I’ll put some ointment on it and get it wrapped up. But you don’t need to come with me. You eat. Otherwise, your Noona has gone through trouble for nothing!” She retaliated with her argument, being playful and slightly dramatic, knowing that he’d listen after saying that. She’d often change her tone to one a little more friendly, to not cause Jungkook to feel too upset or take it too seriously. She didn’t want him to think he was being troublesome.

Jungkook didn’t want to make her feel under appreciated or disrespect her. He slowly watched the unwilling release of his hand in hers —only wanting to hold on to it and be by her side longer— and watched her give him a reassuring smile before she turned around and disappeared behind the right wing of the stage. Once he was sure she had definitely gone, he slowly walked up to the lunch box he left to the side. Crouching down to pick it up, he stared at it, once again deep in his thoughts about her.

Thank goodness it’s not what I had thought it would be about! Being alone is too dangerous for her, especially considering what I had seen the other night, Jungkook thought.