I'm Not Ready

Warnings: trans Virgil, unplanned pregnancy, abortion as an option, a few swears, suffocation joke.

A lot of thoughts went through Virgil's mind as he was looking at the test in his hand: he thought of how long their relationship had been, he thought about his fears for the future, he thought of hiding it from Patton, he thought about whether or not he actually had the choice to get an abortion. Patton never said that they should start parenthood immediately, but it was no secret that he wanted to be a father for so long, so Virgil was worried that guilt from disappointing Patton would keep him from going through with an abortion.

Virgil feared that his peers would think he was selfish for considering an abortion, especially since his main reason for not wanting to be a father yet was because his potential child deserved better than to be raised in a home where only one father had his shit together financially, emotionally, and mentally and the other found comfort in burying himself in his bed sheets or oversized hoodie with his anxiety used as a shovel. Without even seeing if he would stare into his own eyes or Patton's eyes while holding his child, he loved said child too much to put them through the hardships that he knew were simultaneously his fault and out of his control. He could see the child witness Virgil having a breakdown or talk badly about himself or even Virgil lash out at them and think it was normal to be stressed out and have poor mental health.

Virgil heard the front door open and shut and footsteps make their way up the stairs. He looked down at his hoodie and jokingly thought that if he removed his binder, he could suffocate in his cleavage and Patton would never know that he wasn't ready to be a father. Virgil shook his head and decided to just man up and get it over with while, of course, expecting the worst. Virgil wiped his tears and debated on giving a fake smile or being genuine. Before he could come up with a decision, though, Patton came in with his signature smile that could melt the coldest of hearts.

"Hey, muffin. How was your day?" Patton asked with some flower on his shirt before giving his husband a gentle kiss on the lips.

Virgil struggled to speak, but ended up chickening out.

"Babe? What's wrong?" Patton asked him.

Virgil took a deep breath and felt massive knots in his stomach before slowly handing over the pregnancy test. Patton recognized the type of test and saw that the results were positive. Rather than jump for joy, though, he looked at Virgil as if waiting to see what would be the appropriate reaction.

"What's on your mind?" Patton asked softly.

Tears were clinging to the corners of Virgil's eyes and they only lost their grip once he hugged Patton and sobbed into his chest.

"I'm sorry, Patton! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Virgil blubbered while gripping onto his husband for dear life.

Patton held Virgil close and gently rubbed his back.

"Why are you sorry?" he asked his sobbing lover.

"I'm sorry, Patton! I know you want to be a father, but I'm not ready! I can't hold down a proper job, my mental health is fucked up, I'm emotionally unstable, I'm a mess and can't expose a child to my instability!"

It hit Patton that they never really talked about the possibility of starting a family and that he had likely been too enthusiastic about the idea of being a father since before they first met in high school. He knew Virgil didn't always look like the type to have a heart of gold, but he knew looks could be deceiving, so he thought the same would apply to possible enthusiasm for having a child. After rubbing Virgil's back for a few more seconds, Patton pulled away to look at Virgil's reddened eyes and puffy cheeks.

"You may be a mess, Virgil, but you're my beautiful mess with a voice that matters. I'm sorry for silently assuming we'd agree to being ready soon," Patton told him.

"So...you're not mad?"

"Of course not. Even if we remain a family of two, we're still a family. I'll tell you what, I'll look up nearby clinics and make an appointment for tomorrow, then we'll try that two-condom suggestion you made."

Virgil smiled and the couple hugged again. As much as Virgil's anxiety told him things would go wrong, it never took away from the fact that Patton was the best husband he could ever ask for.