How Cosplay Saved My Life

My therapist once told me that I have one foot in fantasy and one foot in reality. She was right. Fiction has always been how I’ve processed the world around me. Escaping into other worlds has been my only constant in a life that is anything but. It was only a matter of time before I discovered cosplay.

Cosplay is a mashup of the words “costume” and “play.” Different from Halloween, it’s when people dress up as their favorite characters simply because they can. The amount of time, money, and creativity put into building or assembling a costume truly makes this expression of fandom an artform.

However, for the longest time, I thought the cosplay and convention scene was only for creepy, awkward people who live in their mom’s basements. I could not be further from the truth.

While there are certainly some creepy people at cons, most of the folks there are just like me. Wildly creative individuals who love a variety of fandoms who are just looking for a place to belong. And when we all come together at these conventions, it’s a nerd mecca where everyone who loves fictional media is offered a place to fit in.

Between my freshman and sophomore years of university, crippling anxiety followed by severe depression hit me like a bus. Long story short, I didn’t want to be on this planet anymore. I couldn’t find a scrap of satisfaction in things that had previously brought me happiness. It was time to try something new.

I first discovered cosplay through a combination of watching skits of people in costume on YouTube and looking up elaborate costumes on Pinterest. I started searching my favorite characters plus this new word I had discovered: “cosplay.” What I found was intoxicating. I could not stop looking at these beautiful creations that nerds like me were making. I started looking up comic con vlogs on YouTube as well to see what they were like.

After that, I still could not get enough. I resolved to go to my first local comic con. Convincing my best friend to go with me was pretty easy. She’s a nerd too. We worked hard on our costumes for a month. When the weekend finally came, I was scared out of my mind. My heart was racing as I pulled on my steampunk-inspired outfit.

But when I walked through those doors at the convention center, it felt like home.

I was overwhelmed and giddy with a wild sort of joy. Looking at the rows upon rows of booths selling geeky merch and people wearing outfits from media that I loved, I knew that right there, right then was where I needed to be.

I’ve chased that feeling of belonging ever since. Working on costumes has kept my hands and brain busy and has forced me out of the darker corners of my mind. I’ve always set a goal: the next convention, the next costume, and those thoughts keep me going.

That doesn’t mean that I’ve magically gotten better. Oh no, I still have many rough days where I don’t even have the strength to sketch, write, or sit at my sewing machine. My skills have been progressing very slowly and even after a few years of practicing my craft, I’m not nearly where I want to be. Due to my fragile mental state, I had been in and out of jobs, which limited how much of my income I could spend on my beloved hobby.

Through it all, cosplay has been my lifeline. When a close friend of mine passed away last year, right after the passing of my beloved childhood cat, I chose to dance with my cosplay group instead of going to her funeral. Being in cosplay brought me comfort and helped me to cope and to process her death. It may have seemed like a selfish move on my part, but I needed something to hold on to, to keep my mind from wheeling out of control.

When I am in cosplay, my depression seems to fall away. When I am dressed like someone else, I gain their confidence, their passion, their will. My mind feels powerful and capable and fearless.

Sometimes cosplay has been my only reason for staying alive.

This doesn’t mean my relationship with cosplay is perfect. A lot of times, especially recently, I’ve hated how I look in costume. I’m not satisfied with the way my curves look, for example, or how round my face is as opposed to the sharp contours on the faces of characters I choose to be.

I haven’t given up yet, though. I am trying to not take better care of my body as much as I can, despite the way the depression steals my energy, but to fall in love with the body I’ve been given, no matter how it looks. Easier said than done, I know. I think that may be a journey that will take me the rest of my life.

Life is hard. Sometimes we need to allow ourselves space to breathe and to do what we love to make it a little easier. Cosplay is that outlet for me. Creativity has given me a sense of inner joy and peace with a brain that is fighting to stay sane. When I am at the end of my rope, I am constantly inspired by the characters I love, and by other creatives alongside me, to grip a little tighter.

[This piece has been cross-posted on Medium! You can also find it here.]