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Fast Five

We still don't know why

By Alexandrea CallaghanPublished 5 months ago 4 min read

So we took kind of a long break from this series, probably because watching all 10 Fast and Furious movies is actually rather exhausting. Especially since I am a lover of the film medium and these movies are…not good. But we are back at it, halfway through with Fast 5. Now as far as I remember Fast 5 is the first movie that The Rock appears in, and it has a pretty banging soundtrack but other than that I genuinely don’t remember this movie.

The movie opens with a jailbreak from a prison bus that miraculously leads to no casualties and Dom being the only missing prisoner. So we are starting off with a bang.

The Rock has made his entrance and he’s only mediocre at this one thing. Like if he ever got casted in a role where he needed to play something other than an arrogant jackass, he would be terrible. Absolutely no depth or skill whatsoever (Black Adam is exhibit A).

Now we are assuming that when you are joining a major mafia or cartel that you already know how to leap from building to building. We have concluded that it is not a skill taught in the training process of henchmen.

I am convinced that the feud between The Rock and Vin is entirely because they both don’t like sharing the spotlight. They both have a similar clause in their contracts that they can’t lose a fight or some shit like that. Never has there been a stage diva that bad.

I love unrealistic movie technology. The Rock is trying to identify the covered faces of the people that robbed Reyes. One more time their faces or COVERED and the security cam footage is blurry at best but somehow we got a positive ID. Hilarious and absolutely impossible. Also we’re gonna pretend that you could pull an entire handprint off of a swimsuit.

I wanna know where we went from street racing movies to repetitive heist movies. They found a formula and really started milking the hell out of it. ALSO in the tenth movie apparently Reyes had a son but here we are in the movie with the Reyes heist and it isn’t even implied. Seriously there is no franchise worse with its continuity.

You know it's serious when Dom is in a wife beater tank top. It's his tank top of seriousness.

Elena is too pretty for these movies…it's actually quite jarring. Like Michelle Rodriguez and Gal Gadot are pretty and everything but Elena is so unbelievably beautiful it's kind of upsetting that these are the movies that she’s in.

And of course physics doesn’t exist. Cables attached to two cars would of course rip a vault out of a concrete wall. And the tumbling of the vault would of course not cause any damage to their cars. This all makes perfect sense. ALSO how are these cars still this fast and agile while towing a 2 ton vault? I just have some questions. I would like to know what these cables are made out of and what kind of reinforcement was done on these cars. Also Dom was getting a lot of precision using the vault to take out all the police cars, as if he could control the momentum…what a superpower.

Roman continues to be the best part of these movies, his comedic relief is the only thing worth watching.

And of course after this ridiculously long climax scene that includes Dom leaping out of his car his t-shirt is completely clean.

Overall this is the movie I would use to describe Fast and Furious movies to people. It has all of the very specific tropes of this franchise. We’ve got an overly long climactic scene. We’ve got Dom saying some shit about family at least 900 times. We’ve got the antagonist that was after the team eventually joining the team. We have Dom in a relationship with Elena with no buildup whatsoever and it makes absolutely no sense. And of course we have several racing scenes both shown and implied.

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About the Creator

Alexandrea Callaghan

Certified nerd, super geek and very proud fangirl.

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  • Alex H Mittelman 5 months ago

    Fantastic! Well written!

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