Fantastico Pandemonium

For as long as I can remember, Salma Hayek was my main celebrity crush. In my humble opinion, her beauty and cinematic energy is unparalleled. Ironically, I thought my childhood crush was the late Tejano superstar Selena but, I realized that I was just infatuated with J-Lo's portrayal of her and not the actual Selena Quintanilla-Perez. As a student of 1995, I was fortunate to watch movies that actually came out in the '90s but in the early 2000s at the convenience of my DVD player or VHS. My top 5 favorite films of hers are Desperado, From Dusk Till Dawn, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Savages, and Beatriz Comes to Dinner.

My earliest memory of Senorita Hayek was when I saw her in The Wild Wild West playing a damsel in distress alongside Will Smith and Kevin Kline. Her character was sweet and she looked damn good in an 1860s corset. However, the film that really made me like her was Once Upon a Time in Mexico. She played Carolina, the knife-throwing love interest of El Mariachi. I didn't see the movie in theaters when it came out but I bought it later in 2003 when it came out on DVD. I remember how she looked on the poster with her silky dark hair, rosy red lips and look of danger in her eyes and needless to say, I was enamored. The morning I bought it, it was a rainy Saturday and I bought it from Circuit City. I ate chicken tenders and fries with barbecue sauce from Wendy's and watched the movie when I got home. from Wendy's. I can still taste the experience to this day. The following year, 2004, I rented a combo pack of El Mariachi (1992) and Desperado (1995) after watching the trailers for them, courtesy of Once Upon a Time in Mexico's bonus features. But Desperado appeared to have more action I saw that first. This film was Carolina's introduction to the Mexico Trilogy by Robert Rodriguez. Carolina first appears on screen as a beautiful local walking in the street and 2 cars crashed into each other because she was that damn gorgeous. El Mariachi was on a revenge quest looking for the man who killed the love of his life but amid numerous gunfights, he got injured and Carolina helped him in her bookstore. While Salma was 28 in Desperado, she just turned 54 on September 2 and I tell you, that woman ages like fine wine.

In From Dusk Till Dawn, she gave a career-defining performance as Satanico Pandemonium! the main event of the Titty Twister desert tavern. She was the perfect vixen with her ever-so curvaceous body, sultriness, and pure power that had all eyes in the place fixed on her. I would've loved to have been at a table with shot glasses turned down and and see her dance in the fire. She was a goddess in the flesh and I'd gladly take Richie Gecko's seat so I could drink from her legs and down to her feet. However, she revealed herself to be a bloodthirsty vampire and ushered the rest of the place into chaos and gore. I enjoyed her performance in this because she was unequivocally sexy and commanding and the entire film holds a special place in my heart.

In 2012, she was the main villain in Oliver Stone's Savages. She was La Reina Elena Sanchez, the head of the Baja Mexican Cartel trying to move in on independent American cannabis growers. Her character was introduced via webcam with a black screen and distorted voice to give off the illusion that her character was not be played with. Salma was one of the main reasons I saw this because I wanted to see how she acted like a villain and not just eye candy. She was so cold, she made one of the guys stick a gun in his mouth for further clarification about their new deal over webcam! If that isn't the work of a boss lady, I can't tell you what is. Throughout the film, she's referenced as La Reina or my favorite, Madrina. She had this big mansion in Mexico where she ran her operation from and property on Native American land in California. She had maids rubbing her pretty soles while she was drinking some fine tequila. There was also a dinner scene where she was sipping on some dark red wine and eating lamb chops off the bone. Watching her eat that lamb chop made me hungry and curious about eating it! There was a scene where she slapped Benicio Del Toro, who was also sinister in his role, because the main heroes of the movie stole $3 million from her stash houses. Her most noticeable physical feature was her long, straightened jet black that was perfectly made for her to look like a boss. Ironically, it was revealed to be a wig when she threw it off in anger because her daughter was now kidnapped and her weakness was shown in front of the people that worked for her and only knew her to be the cold and calculating La Reina Sanchez. I loved this character but not because she was a drug dealer, but I wanted to give her a proper foot massage myself in that beautiful home bought with drug money, eat fine-grilled lamb chops, and serve her tequila until she breaks my heart and then I'd have to overthrow her and become El Rey. Just my imagination.

Her most recent film, Beatriz Comes to Dinner (2018), was absolutely dope. She plays a healer in Los Angeles, mourning the recent death of her beloved goat. She harbors a silent, peaceful demeanor but as you watch her, there's an underlying sheet of sadness poised in her face. She wore next to no makeup to perfect a realistic, toned-down look on a woman. The film takes a turn when she gets into a debate with one of the dinner guests, played by John Lithgow, and he's essentially a 45 supporter without visibly displaying a MAGA hat.While most of the guest are talking in turns about their various professional and personal ventures, Beatriz is silent and observant over everyone at the table. Lithgow's character began to pass around pictures of animals he killed in Africa and the more he gloats, Beatriz's disposition changes. She even had a thought in her mind to viciously kill the guy and let him bleed out on the floor but she snapped out of it. At the end, he was revealed to be the man who killed her goat and caused her community in Mexico to collapse. To see her so subdued as this character really made me appreciate her as an actress, seeing that this was an indie flick.

All in all, I love the lady. She's definitely among my top 5 favorite actresses of all-time. If ever I met her, I'd play it cool and be gentleman for she most certainly, a fine lady. I'd ask her real questions without fluff and if we vibe well, just ask for a kiss before the night is through. Solamente! Much love to La Reina Salma Hayek.