Faith, Doubt, Prayer, & the Kims

This week’s episode of Kim’s Convenience, the wonderfully relatable Canadian family comedy about a Korean-Canadian family and their Toronto convenience store, got me good. The episode, entitled “Hugs & Prayers”, had me tearing up because of The Jesus.

I’ll be honest: the odds of me having an emotional reaction to Kim’s Convenience are always higher than with other shows. It’s because it is the closest to my family’s story I’ve ever seen on screen. Even though the Kims are Korean and I’m half Filipina/half white, and even though our family business is not a convenience store, when Kim’s Convenience started it was an instant favourite because in it I felt seen.

The Kim family struggles with the tricky dynamics of immigrant parents raising their children in a culture that is not their own. They live out the paradox of wanting their children to have a better life than their own (Isn’t that always the immigrant parent’s wish?) while simultaneously wishing their children would live life in an old-country way.

Appa, the dad, reminds me of my dad so often (although maybe don't tell my dad that if you know him). He reminds me of my dad in a way that makes me want to forgive all his cultural blunders because he just works so hard for his kids and that's what matters. The kids were my siblings and me, navigating what it means to be a second-generation Canadian. Janet, the daughter of the family, was me as she struggled with not being “Korean enough” when she's around her cousin from Korea. She was me as she pursued a college degree that didn’t lead to a job while living under the roof of her hard-working, no-days-off parents. She was me in moments when that pressure to please them made her lash out against them, because it is easier sometimes to be mad than to admit how afraid you are to disappoint the most important people in your life. She was me when she didn’t want to take over the family business.

And then there is church. The Kims are Christians. I can tell you with certainty that I’ve never seen a TV show about a Canadian Christian family. One of the all-time best bits of banter between Janet and her mom is when Umma asks why Janet doesn’t have a “cool, Christian, Korean boyfriend”.

Janet: “There’s no such thing as a cool, Christian, Korean boy.”

Umma: “What you talking?”

Janet: “If they’re cool and Christian, they’re not Korean, and if they’re cool and Korean, they’re not Christian, and if they’re cool, Christian, and Korean, they’re girls!”

For most of the five seasons of this little Canadian gem of a show, the church thing is just sprinkled in as a plot device. Their church attendance allows for hilariously awkward encounters with Pastor Nina, and the setup of Janet’s brother, Jung, as the former bad boy of the Korean youth group. Appa and Umma, with their heavily accented and grammatically questionable English, always talk about “The Jesus”. It’s never been a huge, profound presence in the show. Until this week.

Near the end of the episode, Umma is lying in bed beside Appa. Lately all of her prayers seem to be backfiring, and she’s self-conscious about it. Mrs. So-and-So with the inner ear issue didn’t get better, she got worse. She prays for Pastor Nina and Pastor Nina breaks a bone. Mishaps follow Umma’s prayers.

At first, this plotline made me groan. It felt like so many others on television, when the only time any kind of faith topic is brought up is to laugh at some pseudo-religious superstition. (I’m looking at you, Amy Sherman-Palladino. Have you ever even met a Christian? Because Gilmore Girls makes me think not.)

But then Umma asks Appa to pray before bed, out loud. He knows something’s up--that’s always been her role. Here’s how it goes from there:

Appa: “What’s wrong?”

Umma: “When I first get MS, I was so mad at the Jesus. I blame him. And now, every time I pray, it just backfires, like he's pushing me away.”

Is there any Christian who hasn’t felt that way before? Who hasn’t worried that Jesus will get fed up with their lack of faith? Haven’t all of us doubted if anyone even listens to our prayers? I’ve definitely had that moment, and I wish I had someone beside me to respond the way Mr. Kim responds to his wife’s struggle.

Appa: “Yobo, you know the Jesus better than I know the Jesus. But I know that the Jesus never push away. Only pull close. Maybe you need to talk to him.”

Umma: “It only going to make things worse.”

Appa: “Ah, we talking now. Pretending I am the Jesus.”

Umma: “You can't be the Jesus. You're in underwear.”

Appa: “Yeah. This is holy underwear. Yeah.”

Umma: “Dear Jesus.”

Appa: “Hello, Young-mi. Good to hear from you.”

Umma: “I try to be strong, but you feel so far away from me. I... Please answer my prayer. I'm sorry I blame you.”

Appa: “Young-mi... you feel we is apart, but I'm right here. I don't hold grudge. I love you. I know. Also your husband is very amazing.”

Umma: “He is.”

Hurrah for Mr. Kim! If I’m honest, he was a bit of a dummy in the episode’s other plotline, but he finished strong with this poignant show of support for his wife, with the signature Mr. Kim jokes intertwined, even as he admitted that his own faith has never been as strong as Mrs. Kim’s. Beautiful.

Why did this hit me so hard? Why did this trigger my tears? Two reasons:

1. Representation matters. That’s a whole other rant I could do in general, and it applies to every episode of Kim’s Convenience. But here it hits on a deeper level, because Christian representation matters. I don’t mean that in the “We have rights! There should be more shows for us! All kids should recite the Lord’s Prayer in school!” kind of way. Quite the opposite, actually. How transformative would it be if the world was able to see--if media reflected--the lives of regular, faithful, struggling, loving Christians? If the secular world’s main impression of us wasn’t based on hateful, racist, un-informed, or nominal Christians? What if the world’s main example of Christians was Mr. & Mrs. Kim, quietly praying before bed even when The Jesus feels distant?
2. I needed Mr. Kim’s reminder the day I watched this. I need his reminder today, and many days. Jesus never pushes me away, he only pulls me close. No matter how far away he feels, he is right here beside me. He doesn’t hold grudges. He loves me. He knows me. And if that truth doesn’t hit you right in the feels, do you even have a heart?

The final episode of Kim’s Convenience is set to air this week and it will be greatly missed. I will miss the funny moments of cultures clashing and Mr. Kim’s oversimplified observations about life in Canada’s most diverse city. I will miss this lovely, silly, little Canadian show that makes me feel big, serious, and profound things about what it means to represent my own cultures, races, and beliefs in modern Canada.

Farewell, Kim family, and thank you.