Empathized and Alone

Warnings: reference to a past plague

I looked out the window of my cabin knowing very well that I can't avoid the day no matter how hard I tried. I felt my phone buzz and recognized I received a text from Anton. I remembered a time when I was so eager to keep in touch with friends. I remembered a time when I would run out of the house to seize the day just to see my friends. I remembered a time when I would make half-jokes about doing errands quickly just to stay in the house longer. The person I joked about being stared back from my dim reflection in the window, but I knew all too well that that person was somewhere else in the world. I knew I couldn't stay inside forever no matter what how many delivery apps were still working. Eventually, I caved and left the cabin to get some fresh air.

Once I reached my car, I drove down the road and tried not to look at everyone else I was passing. Actually, I spent most of the day looking down, ahead, anywhere to just keep myself from looking at the people around me.

When I went buy some new shirts, I just focused on them and remembered the jokes I made with my friends about me wearing the same shirt or three shirts for about a month. I made my way to Self Checkout to avoid encountering someone, but that didn't stop me from hearing the people speak around me. Even with voices around me, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was alone in the world.

It wasn't long before I made my way to the local pizza place to meet up with my friends, Remy and Emile. I wasn't very enthusiastic about the get-together, but I couldn't bring myself to say no; maybe it was because of the fact that I didn't have much else to do at the time, maybe it was because the three of us together reminded me of when I spent time with Joan and Talyn, or maybe it was because I was just too polite to reject the offer to get together with Remy and Emile. I didn't really contribute much to the conversations, but I was able to pay attention to them enough to know that the words felt both new and familiar. I wanted the time to be over and actually felt relieved when Remy said they had to leave for a play.

As I was driving home, I felt a sense of pride that I actually made it through my time in town, even if it was less than a day. I considered looking in more directions while behind the wheel until I heard a pedestrian say "I miss them so much". The sound of that made me almost swerve off the road. I kept my composure well enough for me to drive all the way back to the cabin. I was frozen in the driver's seat while still parked and I couldn't comprehend why until I sobbed into the steering wheel. As much as I wanted to deny the desire for things to have turned out differently back then, it was as well known to everyone as the freckle behind my ear. Even though the pandemic didn't kill my friends, I still felt like I lost them. Nothing has ever allowed me to escape everything that had happened no matter how isolated I had become, but even if others know the feeling, I doubt they know the exact pain. Why was I in so much pain? Because, as the only human immune to the plague, I had been willing to give a sample of my DNA for study so we might find a cure. Now, years later, every face I look into is my own, every voice I hear is the same that throbs in my throat, and every thought that has given utterance is one that I have had or will soon have.