Classic Movie Review: 'Surf Ninjas'

Surf Ninjas (1993)

Directed by Neal Israel

Written by Dan Gordon, Neal Israel

Starring Ernie Reyes Jr, Ernie Reyes Sr, Leslie Nielsen, Rob Schneider

Release Date August 20th, 1993

Published August 29th, 2023

With apologies to Ernie Reyes, Jr and Sr, Surf Ninjas is a truly terrible movie. This incomprehensible mess of a kids movie posits a world where orphan brothers are protected by a homeless drifter who may or may not be their father or Uncle or whatever, and who stealthily dispatches of ninjas looking to kill these children. The kids are unaware of the constant peril they live in and they don't seem to have any questions about their lives, their back story, or the family that abandoned them. They just want to surf bro. Reality however, comes crashing through the walls when Ninjas attack and that weird homeless guy that follows them around is forced to reveal himself.

I genuinely don't know what else you need to know about Surf Ninjas. The plot is rudimentary, the shooting style is amateurish and the performances are devoid of interest. For reasons that defy logic and the ability to suspend disbelief, the brothers go to school with their pal, Iggy, played by Rob Schneider. Is it supposed to be funny that Schneider is 30 years old while playing a character described as a Junior in High School? It's not funny but I also don't know why this choice was made at all. I get that in 1993 Schneider was vaguely appealing as a cast member on Saturday Night Live but why not have him play his age instead of defying credulity as a supposed teenager.

Naturally, Schneider cannot wait 10 minutes before committing a minor hate crime. As the kids fall under the attack from Ninjas in the employ of Colonel Chi, a hate crime committed by Leslie Nielsen, Schneider breaks out the racist accents and tells a ninja that he 'no speaky the English.' It's hard to even write that line and yet Schneider says it as if it's just totally normal. This was only Schneider's third feature film role but he was setting the tone for the cinematic hate crimes he would continue to commit for the next 30 years of devolving as a human being, as a comedian, and as an actor.

Leslie Nielsen, at the very least, doesn't appear to be doing a racist accent. Rather, he's playing an offensive early version of a Weeb, someone who is offensively cosplaying their love for Asian popular culture and style. Nielsen's villainous Colonel Chi, ugh, controls a small country where our heroes were born and are destined to return as saviors of the people. The Colonel hopes to kill the kids before they can return and dethrone him, or some such nonsense. You know how this is going to turn out, it's a dimwitted movie for tiny babies.

Surf Ninjas is chockablock with the kind of accidental and incidental racism that has infected movies for decades. People who conflate racist caricatures with inclusion make movies like Surf Ninjas and then throw up their hands when confronted about it, offering that they had at least cast Asian actors and made them heroes, regardless of the literally everything else that is offensive about movie. Offensive is probably the wrong term, at least for me, I don't have a right to be offended by this movie, that's a conversation for an Asian critic to have. A better term for me is irritating. I'm irritated that a movie like Surf Ninjas practices in casual racism while pretending that it isn't racist at all.

Surf Ninjas is perhaps not an appropriate venue for a conversation about race. The movie is too small and forgettable to withstand the conversation. The film is so inept that looking at it in any serious way feels out of place. This was and is a deeply moronic children's movie that doesn't deserve attention, it deserves the bottom of a landfill. Had it not been for my obligation to the Everyone is a Critic 1993 Podcast with my co-hosts, Gen-Xer Amy K, and Gen Z-er M.J, I would have happily remained oblivious to even a mild memory of Surf Ninjas.

But, I have a podcast to promote so, here we are. On the latest edition of the Everyone is a Critic Movie Review Podcast, Amy, M.J, and myself tortured ourselves with not only Surf Ninjas but also Jason Goes to Hell The Final Friday. We are diligently casting our minds back to 1993 every two weeks to examine two movies that came out 30 years prior. The goal is to comment on just how much movies and culture have changed in three decades and whether the movies of 1993 are still well remembered by many today. It's a really fun show and I am very proud of how it continues to grow and improve. You can hear the Everyone is a Critic 1993 Podcast on the Everyone is a Critic Podcast Feed wherever you listen to podcasts.

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