Autistic Woman Vs: Edward Cullen

Welcome back, my lovely readers and subscribers to Autistic Woman Vs, the series where I look at monsters whether they are monstrous fictional characters, the beasts of old, or anywhere in between. I will also examine the logical fallacies of this monster and what I would do if I met them. For this article I will be looking at Edward Cullen from the Twilight series. I know what some of you must be thinking; that Edward is not a monster but just a freaky stalker vampire dude who somehow ended up marrying the woman he creepily followed around. You would be right on the latter but the former? He is technically a monster, for a lot of reasons.

Firstly, we know that Edward Cullen is a vampire but not in the traditional sense like Dracula, he can pretty much be out-n-about during the day with no problems. However, there is a small caveat to this, he sparkles when in direct sunlight. He is also incredibly fast and able to leap great heights so he is pretty much like Superman except he drinks deer blood and glitters like a cheap disco ball at your cousin’s wedding. That one cousin that everyone in your family knows, except you, and you got invited to the wedding, so you are basically just existing awkwardly until the end of the reception because you don’t want to be rude and leave early.

The sparkling thing also doesn’t make much sense either and it would be a massive disadvantage if his environment wasn’t like Portland, Oregon. What the hell is he and his “family” gonna do when they run out of, rainy and cloudy places to “hide” in? Are they just gonna hang in the woods of California and hope for the best? Considering how climate change is ravaging the planet, they would be out-of-luck if their home caught fire. What if they run into immigration issues when they try to head off to Greenland, for example?

If I ran into this family or Edward, on a flight to a temperate climate, I would be extremely confused as to why they are not even physically similar to each other. Like, I understand that vampires often “adopt” people that they sire but even then that family is pretty easy to spot even in a huge crowd. Knowing that just throwing garlic on this family is not gonna help me out in the slightest, since the movies don’t mention garlic being their weakness or steaks for that matter. I would just wave a bloody deer carcass at them and hope that they take the “bait” and run off into the direct sunlight. Where I would find such a deer carcass, I cannot say.

Edward Cullen is also supposedly 113 years old, now everybody has already commented on the creepiness because Bella Swan is like 16 years old when they meet, but I wanna talk for a minute about why the fuck is Edward attending high school? If I were him, I would be just running around and causing havoc to everything around me. Not sit inside a classroom going over the same-old shit I learned 113 goddamn years ago! Is Edward never bored of it? Is he a masochist!? If he wants endless knowledge he can spend endless hours in a library which also makes me think that I would spend all my goddamn time in a library and never leave! Except for the occasional feasting, of course.

Vampires are also not really supposed to be able to give birth or father children, as it was stated in the films, but apparently Stephanie Meyer doesn’t believe in logic and Bella ends up pregnant; with a baby that nearly kills her and horrifies an audience at the same time! (I can get into the whole “imprinting thing” with Jacob in the films, and yes I did watch the films too, but I will save that for a future article) Of course, Edward does the only intelligent thing in the films and tries to get Bella to kill the baby, because again the baby will freaking kill her, but Bella, in her poorly developed self, refuses that help. I would compliment Meyer on at least being, somewhat, accurate in terms of how dangerous pregnancy can be for women but that would be giving her far too much credit.

If my child ever ended up with someone like Edward I would sincerely hope they have amazing healthcare coverage and life insurance because, from what I have seen in the films, being a vampire is just a recipe for pain and misery; especially when birthing a half-vampire child! Scratch that thought, do vampires even feel pain? The Cullens seem to be a very rich family, which I am sure those riches did not come through unethical means, so it doesn’t seem to make sense that they would have the strongest security system in the world that would protect them from enemy vampires and werewolves. They have enough money for a fortress but waste it all on a glass box but of course a strong security system would probably attract more attention to them, not like their general demeanor already does just that and more.

Edward Cullen is a monster that makes zero sense and was obviously created as a means of marketing an unhealthy relationship as “romantic” to a generation of young women. Vampires have always been seen as creatures of eroticism and looked on in fascination; but since Twilight that appeal has been turned into another way to make money. I am not shaming those who use vampires in their stories but as someone who pays close attention to the trends, and as I mentioned in my last article about Dracula, the appeal of vampires seems to be waning with each passing year. Vampires will make a comeback but not anytime soon.