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A Message for the People Skipping 'Captain Marvel'

For the record, it's a GUY writing this.

By Jonathan SimPublished 5 years ago 6 min read
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Last year, I released two articles in a little comedy series I do: one was "A Message for Parents Taking Their Young Kids to See 'Deadpool 2'" and another was "A Message for People Who Talk During Movies."

And since Marvel's newest film, Captain Marvel, is set to be released soon, I decided to add another entry to the series. This time, I'm gonna be giving a little message to the internet trolls who claim to be skipping the film because of a bunch of bullshit reasons.

I'm gonna be doing this reason by reason, and I won't focus too much on comedy.

"Captain Marvel doesn't smile enough!"

A common complaint that I hear you mofos talk about is how in the trailers, Brie Larson doesn't smile enough and she doesn't look like she's enjoying herself and she should smile more.

First off, I'm pretty sure you pencil-dick motherfuckers complaining about shit like this are used to watching women not smile or enjoy themselves in front of you.

Now, I could go into the details of how sexist it is for a man to say to a woman, "You should smile more," but I'm gonna give you people the benefit of the doubt and say that you're complaining about this because Larson just has one facial expression or something like that.

But the exact same complaint can be made about the way Chris Evans looks in the first trailer for Captain America: The First Avenger, and don't get me wrong, I love him as Cap, but he never smiles in this trailer.

And yet, I don't recall people complaining about Chris Evans's casting for the role for not smiling enough in the trailers.

Not only that, but Robert Downey Jr. remains straight-faced throughout this Iron Man trailer as well.

I could do this all day, but I think I should just get to my point: it's pretty fucking interesting how for years, we've had male-dominated superhero movies where the male hero doesn't smile in the trailer and everyone is just fine with that.

But suddenly, once we have a female-led superhero movie, it's only NOW a requirement for the superhero to smile.

Look at her face here. Now go ahead. I believe you were complaining about something.

And if you shit-baskets are spending all your time online complaining about how a woman doesn't smile enough, you can piss off. You understand?

"This movie is a bunch of politically correct SJW propaganda!"

If you're saying stupid shit like this, go fuck yourself. Really. No, seriously. Pull out your cock and fuck yourself because there's no way any self-respecting girl is gonna put up with your shit long enough to have sex with you.

But anyways, do you fucksticks not realize that the character of Carol Danvers was created decades ago? She first appeared in a 1968 comic before becoming known as Ms. Marvel in 1977. This isn't just some brand new character that Marvel pulled out of their ass to have a female-led movie.

People are saying this is a "political movie." How the fuck is it political? It's a Marvel superhero movie with a female lead for once. How do Marvel movies become political simply by having a strong female lead as the star?

Like, I've seen countless people complaining about how this is just a bunch of "feminist bullshit" and to that, I say take a look at the posters of every MCU movie to date.

You notice a common theme among EVERY SINGLE FUCKING ONE of these posters? Yeah, the main superhero is ALWAYS MALE. Iron Man, Hulk, Thor, Captain America, Black Panther, Ant-Man, Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, and Star-Lord (leader of GOTG) are all male.

Marvel has yet to release ONE superhero movie with a female headliner. And because ONE out of their 21 movies has a female lead, suddenly, Marvel hates men and only wants female empowerment?

I mean, I think you motherfuckers need to chill. Honestly. After Captain Marvel, they're releasing Avengers: Endgame and Spider-Man: Far From Home, which will have males headlining the film.

That means 22 out of 23 MCU movies have had men as the headliners, so I'm pretty sure you and your fragile male rights won't be affected by ONE movie with a female lead, you fucking pansies. Men aren't going anywhere in the Marvel universe.

If there's anything for anyone to complain about, it's the fact that a majority of Marvel films are led by males. If Marvel has any political agenda, it would be a "pro-men propaganda" agenda.

You see how ridiculous and over-the-top it sounds the other way around?Yet it's actually way more rational since most Marvel movies are led by men. Seriously, one movie starring a female is NOTHING to complain about.

"I'm not watching a movie starring a racist sexist!"

At first, I thought all those comments that said "I can't watch this movie because I'm white" were just a bunch of people making fun of how irrational people are being about this movie. But nope, people are just that fucking stupid, I guess.

From what I've heard, Larson made comments suggesting her discontent about how critics and press reviewing movies are usually "white male(s)" and how cares more about what colored people have to say about certain movies than what white males think.

When I first heard she said this, I was like, "That's it?! That's all it was?!"

Larson has clarified her comments, stating that she wants MORE seats to be opened for critics of color. She doesn't want anyone's seat taken away. She just wants more seats and opportunities for non-white critics, which is something I think we can all get behind.

You see? There is nothing wrong with what she said. It's all you dramatic fucks who make it seem like she's a racist and a sexist. And by the way, how the fuck does that even work?

I mean, do you honestly think that because Larson wants more non-white critics in the industry, that makes her a racist?

Let me be clear on this: you're calling Brie Larson, a white person, racist because she says she wants to see some more non-white critics? You're saying that a white person is racist... against white people.

Okay, I... resign from the human race. I am in disbelief.

But seriously, if you think a white person's racist for wanting to give non-white people opportunities, I think that makes YOU the racist. And if you're acting like the world is ending because Marvel's releasing a female-led superhero movie, I think that makes YOU the sexist.

And there's nothing really offensive about her comments. It's just taken out of context a lot. She specifically said this:

“Am I saying I hate white dudes? No, I’m not … [but if] you make the movie that is a love letter to women of color, there is an insanely low chance a woman of color will have a chance to see your movie and review your movie.”

What she's saying is that certain films have target demographics, and it's a good idea to give the actual target demographic a bigger voice in reviewing the film. That doesn't mean she wants to bar white people from reviewing Moonlight.

So now that you've read my article, hopefully, you can now see how little there is to complain about. Captain Marvel doesn't smile enough in her trailers? Neither do the other heroes. Marvel's trying to force a feminist agenda down your throat? This is the first female-led superhero movie after TWENTY male-led superhero movies.

Carol Danvers has been an existing character for years, so if anything, you should be screaming at the people of the 1960s for their feminist agendas. And Brie Larson does not hate white men and only wants more people of color to have a voice in the film critic industry.

Now, why don't you stick your two-inch cocks inside your unpleasurable mouths, swallow your load, shut the fuck about this movie that you haven't even seen yet, and give it a fucking chance?

And if you're still gonna skip Captain Marvel for some bullshit reason, then I sincerely hope that this is required viewing to understand Avengers: Endgame so that when you watch Endgame, you'll be really fucking confused while all of us non-sexists understand everything, you pricks.

That's It!

Not my funniest in the series (probably the least funny), but I just wanted to curse out a few of the assholes online and decided to do it like this.

Because it's not just the internet trolls. It's the hundreds of people who like each comment who are part of this stupid fucking problem.

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About the Creator

Jonathan Sim

Film critic. Lover of Pixar, Harry Potter, Star Wars, Marvel, DC, Back to the Future, and Lord of the Rings.

For business inquiries: [email protected]

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