A Message for People Who Talk During Movies

A few months ago, I wrote an article called "A Message for Parents Taking Their Young Kids to See Deadpool 2", where I pretty much just ranted towards all parents who thought it would be a good idea to take their young children to the R-rated Deadpool 2.

In that article, I incorporated some comedy in order to make it fun to read. And recently, I haven't been writing many comedy articles, so I'm gonna go back to that writing style and write another "message." This message is for people who talk during movies.

Now, I'm a movie critic, so I go to a lot of movies. In fact, you're gonna get some reviews for Searching and Peppermint in the coming weeks. But anyways, when I go to the movies, I absolutely hate it when people talk during the movie.

For example, when I watched Crazy Rich Asians (see my review here), the ass-wipe sitting next to me wouldn't stop narrating what was happening to his wife.

I swear to you, I was getting so annoyed by this little dick-bag that was talking non-stop that I was about to sever his lips off and feed them to his first-born child.

Before movies start, you always get a little notice that tells you not to talk, eat loudly, or go on your phone during the movie. But people treat that extremely important notice the way they'd treat the Emergency Procedures video on a plane.

Let me make this clear: you don't need to narrate what's happening on screen. Because I SEE IT. If I wanted the play-by-play narration, I'd stab both my eyes out with scissors so that I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING AND YOUR PLAY-BY-PLAY WOULD COME IN REALLY F**KING HANDY.

Other people don't say what's happening onscreen, but instead they just react to everything verbally. And I'm like—

I'm like, BIIIIIIITCH! I don't care if you're confused by this movie. I don't care if you think Liam Hemsworth is hot. I don't care if you think Natalie Portman is hot. And so help me, if I have to hear one more damn word about your opinion on this movie, I will break into your house and crap on your pillow.

By talking non-stop throughout the movie, you're distracting the hell out of me. I won't be able to understand some scenes because you talked over an exposition scene, dramatic moments get undercut by your dumbass voiceover, and funny jokes get ruined by your stupid comments.

You didn't understand something a character said? GOOD FOR YOU. I could not care less. No one needs to hear your commentary about the movie DURING the movie. Some people in the theater, like me, are analyzing and trying to enjoy the art of the filmmaking,

And it's not just you motherf**kers that TALK during movies that distracts us critics. When I was watching Skyscraper (see my review here), the couple in front of me WOULD NOT STOP GOING ON THEIR PHONES.

Like, you paid money for a ticket. Why would you go to a movie theater just to text your f**king friends? You can do that crap at home. Why pay to go to a movie and just keep turning on your phone throughout the movie? It can wait. EVERYTHING CAN WAIT IF THERE'S A MOVIE PLAYING ON SCREEN.

I'll put it like this—if your water just broke, leave it. Forget about it. If that baby is about to shoot out of your vagina and into the world, shut your trap up and let me enjoy my movie. Stay respectful to the people around you. And WTF are you doing in a movie theater anyway? You're nine months pregnant.

Also, loud eaters? You fatasses can go straight to hell. And take your filthy jawbreakers with you, you hard-toothed bastard. What's the matter with you?

There are so many people that get on my nerves during movies. Like, a few months ago, I was watching Star Wars: The Last Jedi (I have a review, but it sucks) in theaters, and the guy behind me was asleep. Like, if you hate the movie, sure, but why would you fall asleep during a movie you PAID TO SEE?!

But you want to know how I KNEW the person BEHIND me was asleep? IT'S BECAUSE HE WAS SNORING LIKE A DRUNKEN ELEPHANT WITH A PEANUT STUCK IN HIS ASS. F**K HIM AND THE HORSE HE RODE IN ON!!

Like, if I knew that I had a snoring problem, I would refrain from falling asleep during a movie in order to avoid distracting people. But this dude must have REALLY hated The Last Jedi if he was gonna sleep like this. How do you fall asleep in a theater with Dolby Surround Sound anyway?!

And there are people who take their f**king toddlers to see movies. THAT IS A WASTE OF MONEY. Your three-year-old kid won't remember that movie. I know the first movie I ever watched in theaters was Horton Hears a Who and I don't remember jack-s**t from that movie. And I was WAY older than three when I watched it.

If your kid is f**king annoying and you know that they're gonna talk non-stop during a movie, then don't take them to the f**king movie. Hire a sitter. Just don't take that kid to the movie. Because once anything remotely thematic happens on screen—

Yep. Your f**king kid starts crying. He's bawling at the top of his lungs for no reason. Get your damn kid out of the theater. Don't make me snap off his nipples because if one more kid starts crying because you decided to take him to see The Nun, all hell is gonna break loose up in this bitch.

But anyways, that's just my little rant. I know I sound like a dick, but just know that my demeanor isn't actually like this. I just had something I've been dying to complain about and I didn't want the article to sound too serious.

The point is, if you're one of the annoying people who talks, goes on their phone, snores, chews loudly, or brings a loud-ass kid to the theater, stop it. Be respectful to the people around you who are trying to analyze the movie and just don't want to hear you.

And I get that I haven't been that respectful to you, but chances are, YOU DESERVED MY WRATH! YOU DESERVED TO FEEL MY WRATH!