Have you ever had one of those awkward moments during a film where you kind of just slouch into your seat and cringe as you wish a certain scene would just pass? Because times like that happen every single day, and what makes them even worse is when we decide that it'd be a fun idea to invite the parents over for a takeaway and movie extravaganza, only to discover that the chosen film is essentially a sex-crazed blockbuster hit filled with all the nasty bits we'd rather not share with our relatives.
Video games are slightly more uncomfortable, I'll admit. Because even today, after I've technically classed myself as a mature adult, I still blush over the stupidest things when encountering a certain situation mid-game, whether it being a sex scene or some digitalised boobs that look even more triangular than an ice cream cone on a cold day. It hits me hard, annoyingly enough. And that perplexed glare from my wife as she stares at me from across the room with an arched brow is even more shamefully isolating. So as a cheeky over-the-top hooker begins to unravel a proposition before me that I can't actually skip, I'm suddenly beneath the warm heat of the spotlight and between two types of pure evil.
With a judgemental wife on the left, and a computer screen flashing glossy rectangular boobs at me from several angles on the right, I lie in the middle; awkward, embarrassed, and so very, very pitiful.
Video games are slowly becoming more and more edgy with explicit material, and sooner of later we'll be experiencing live adult shows through a VR headset from the comfort of our own homes. And if you've seen the Black Mirror episode, "Striking Vipers," you'll know exactly what I'm talking about.
But let's not talk about the future for a moment, but rather reminisce about the times where things were a whole lot more technical. I'm talking square chests and badly dubbed voiced acting from part-time porn actors. From the first set of digitalised breasts to the 4K sweat-addled sex icons we see today, we'll look through some of the most memorable moments in the industry, and either laugh or admire the beauty of adult themed material in video game history. And who knows, maybe we'll even learn something along the way. Kids I'm talking to you here.
I present to you: TOP 8 SEXUALLY EXPLICIT VIDEO GAMES.Oh, and in case you really are a parent checking this article for your kid(s), I advise you tell them the battery has either died or the article has suddenly deleted itself out of utter disgrace.
Now, if you're going to be an ADULT about this, then let's move on.
... We've got plenty of square boobs to get through.
#8 - 'LEISURE SUIT LARRY: MAGNA CUM LAUDE'
As you analyse this picture and question your existence, I bet you'll think to yourself, 'what the actual fuck is Jord showing me right now? AND IS THAT A HOMELESS MAN WATCHING A LIVE PORN SHOW?'
Yes, it is a homeless man 'technically' watching a live porn show. No, I'm not joking. And yes, this is most definitely a video game franchise. A popular one at that, surprisingly.
I know what you're thinking. It's a rather odd looking game, isn't it? But don't worry, because I thought the same thing when I found it in my Dad's chest of drawers back when I was a kid. And as weird as that may sound, he was strangely jokey about it whenever I took it out and decided to question its origins.
'Just a jokey game, that's all,' he'd chuckle.
Yeah, right. Of course it was, Dad. Keep telling yourself that. You knew exactly what this game was.
Leisure Suit Larry is many things, but one thing it is NOT is a serious mirror of a real-life sex encounter. It is, however, in essence, a cluster of mini-games with the main goal always being the same; to give little old Larry here the chance to bed some of the finest women on his college campus.
That's right. That is your main objective from the get-go. Only finding Larry a possible suitor is a little harder than you'd expect. Rather surprising really, what with his enchanting good looks and enormously unbalanced head. It's almost a wonder how the game is so damn long when really the goal is so simple, to be honest.
Over the course of six or seven hours you'll meet and flirt your way through a yearbook of girls spread out between different cliques and districts. With a cycle of drinking games, dodgy dialogue segments where you basically have to control a sperm and swim through green smiley faces in order to speak fluently with the ladies, you'll quickly come to learn that this game was NOT intended for kids. Even if those kids did try so desperately hard to take the disc from their Dad's grubby little mitts.
When I finally picked up a copy at about fourteen, I treated it like it was a hidden gem that nobody else could lay eyes on. And so each night, right up until I completed it, I played through the story chunk by chunk. With a volume below five and a screen partially tinted, I scratched my way through this stupidly addictive game, and for every second I heard something outside of my bedroom door, I felt that miniature heart-attack pound in my chest.
So, if you're planning on picking up Leisure Suit Larry, I suggest you either have an understanding partner who doesn't mind having a laugh, or that you live alone and have nobody to frown upon you as you bow your head in disgust.
Other than that, you might as well enjoy the enticing story.
It's quite the tale.
#7 - 'DUKE NUKEM: TIME TO KILL'
Okay, before you face palm yourself, just hear me out on this one, alright? I understand this isn't exactly the most explicit thing you've ever seen, and believe me I probably spent a whole lot longer laughing at this picture than actually writing the initial draft to this section. But believe me,Duke Nukem was the absolute bomb back in its heyday.
Duke Nukem, as many gamers know, is famously known for being that stereotypical, sexist, action gremlin who barges his way through the world with a motto like, 'BIG GUNS. BIG BREASTED WOMEN, BABY'
Back in the day nobody really objected to that style of character, and if anything people just sort of rolled with it. Heck, even enjoyed it for all it was worth. Because in the early stages of PlayStation gaming, ideas were still fresh and the muscular pretty-boy character hadn't been used a billion times over or squeezed like a sponge out of water. So when Duke made his debut release back in 1991, people ate that shit up and embraced him like a long lost brother that held all of the personal and physical qualities that every man dreamt of possessing.
He was manly, he was somewhat charismatic, and overall he had that awe-inspiring confidence every young lad wished they had when it came to sweet talking their crushes.
When I first played through Duke Nukem: Time to Kill back in 2001, I thought to myself things couldn't possibly get any naughtier within a video game. With a vocabulary so vulgar and childish, I thought I had entered a land of bad habits and life-changing experiences within the first twenty minutes of playing.
Then of course, along came the strippers. That's when I knew I was engrossed deep within something that could never quite remove the mental scars that had suddenly planted themselves within my brain.With merely a few pixels of plump-like figures and blotchy five frames per second pole dancing, I knew I was about to be in a whole ocean of trouble should my Mum walk through the door at any moment.
Duke Nukem offered a lot of adventure back in its day, and even after a decade or so it still thrived to make a comeback and hit our screens once more. But like I said, that heroic bad-boy protagonist has been chewed up and spat out countless times over the years, so with a competition so vast and absorbed, I think it's safe to say Duke Nukem won't be sweet talking any strippers any time soon.
Sorry, Duke.But look at it this way, at least you'll have plenty of time to kill from beyond the grave at any pawn or charity shop discount bin.
#6 - 'DEAD OR ALIVE: XTREME 3'
Beautiful, aren't they? The way they stand out so perfectly in a backdrop so picturesque and luxuriously divine. It's almost a shame you have to look at anything else but them, isn't it?
God,I love palm trees.
Watching through the first twenty minutes of gameplay for Dead or Alive: Xtreme 3 is like sitting through the movie Inception for the first time; it's surprisingly satisfying to watch, but even after all of the glitz and glamour of the mind-boggling effects, you still don't know what the fuck is actually going on.
If I sent this screenshot to my wife and asked her what sort of game she thought it was, do you know what she'd say? Other than of course, the usual bollocks about getting a life and that virtual women aren't going to do anything for me other than make me feel a strong empty sensation in my chest.
She'd say, 'I don't know, Jord. Maybe a sex-simulator? I don't care!'
Wrong, Mrs Tury. So very, very wrong.
It's a VOLLEYBALL game, of course. I mean, how could you not realise that from the get-go? It's quite clearly a sports game and is definitely not based around sexual fantasies whatsoever. How silly of anybody to think that.
Playing an innocent beach game such as volleyball with an array of large-breasted women in skimpy outfits was never really going to go down well with our loved ones, was it? I mean, it doesn't exactly help that each time you counter the ball you get the privilege of hearing a cheerleader moan or giggle for a second before passing it back to another porn sta-, uh, I mean, athlete.
Little kinks like those are what makes explaining the context to anybody that wasn't in the room awkward, and trying to explain that you DEFINITELY weren't watching any adult films discreetly. But then if anything, the latter probably would've been a better choice. At least with that you don't look so pathetic as you stand cherry-blossom cheeked whilst arched over a group of virtual women 'playing volleyball' by the pool.
So if you were planning on playing some innocent virtual volleyball, I'd suggest skipping Dead or Alive: Xtreme 3. Unless, of course, you'd rather have to explain the situation to everybody in the household beforehand.
And no, you can't use the excuse, 'I'm learning how to play volleyball...'I know that, because I tried already.
It doesn't work.
#5 - 'AGONY'
Switching up the atmosphere for a second, I'd like to introduce the next title in the list: Agony. A dark and horrific hellish opera steaming with all the blood, gore and demon women you could ever wish for in a video game.
Although Agony itself is a rather clunky game (... it's shit), it still offers us a reason or two to dive right in and suffer through it. Those reasons of course are sadly adult-theme related. And if the game didn't throw in those curveballs then I'm sure nine out of ten gamers wouldn't have so much as batted an eyelid when it first hit the shelves back in 2018.
In a gritty tale of venturing through the deepest depths of Hell in a desperate attempt to reclaim your lost soul, you find yourself scrummaging through layer after layer of cloaked charcoal abyss and endless labyrinths that offer no form of exit or gleaming ray of hope.
You'll discover mysteries and piece together puzzles on a journey unlike any other, and with controls not exactly in your favour, you'll face challenges unlike any you may have encountered before in a horror title.But, with a whole army of demon women scattered throughout the world, you'll come to notice that if you aren't running into the chest of an armoured guard, you sure as shit ARE running into a devilish pair of DD's in an attempt to flee for your life.
Clever strategy, Agony. You knew you wouldn't have stood a chance if it weren't for those cheeky bolt-ons, you bastard.
#4 - 'LOLLIPOP CHAINSAW'
Lollipop Chainsaw is a one of a kind, tongue-in-cheek experience that has quite frankly gained an overall positive response from gamers over the years. With candy-popping visuals and a bubblegum-bursting palette of sparkling pinks and purples, it's no doubt the developers pulled all the right cards out when trying to grasp our attention from afar.
Clearly, Lollipop Chainsaw is enticing, and for all the right reasons, too. It's visually stunning and surprisingly addictive once you get past the fact it is basically a hack 'n' slash cheerleader with a chainsaw. And although the story isn't exactly what we'd call 'memorable', it is still something I'd gladly go back to time and time again just so I could grasp those familiar reins of Lollipop and kick several shades of shit out of some brain-munching assholes with a smile on my face.
If you looked at your character before playing, you'd assume she'd be nothing more than some flimsy stereotypical American blonde who can't so much as tie her own shoelace. No offence to any American blonde women out there, or to anybody who can't tie their own shoelace for that matter. But hopefully you understand what I'm trying to say.With Lollipop, it's a whole other ballgame. She's not just this clumsy blonde chick who can't operate a door handle, but more the 'game on, let's fight' type who couldn't care less about tearing up some ligaments from previous school-friends turned undead.
When the zombies come spluttering through the doors of San Romero High School, the chainsaw is revved and ready to decapitate hordes at the touch of a button. With a cartwheel or backflip mid-battle, Lollipop sure as shit executes some of the most stylish finishers we've seen to date in a video game.
She's cute. She's iron to the core. She's a psycho with a chainsaw.
It's all fun and games until you get on her bad side though, of course.Which reminds me. Don't look up her skirt.
#3 - 'CATHERINE'
When you look past the several layers of tedious block-shovelling levels and countless hours of edgy dialogue and melancholy drama, you actually manage to find yourself a rather alluring story buried deep within Catherine.
Playing through the story is like being thrown directly into a lover's affair and not being overly sure as to why or how you even got there. There's a certain degree of confusion that hits you, and yet you feel as if something is reeling you back in and taking a huge bite out of you for every time you make an in-game decision. Somehow, it keeps us on the edge of our seats and making us want to progress deeper into the world in order to understand how it all came to be.
When I first picked the game up, I fucking HATED it. I hated it because in my eyes it was the same rinse and repeat puzzle bullshit that had been overused time and time again in Japanese titles. And I mean, whilst it still technically was ninety-percent that, there was still a little percentage that made it all worthwhile.
As Vincent Brooks you are tasked with balancing between your girlfriend, Katherine, and this mysterious woman, Catherine, who oddly finds her way into your bed after a late night on the old sauce.
There's tension. There's drama. And there are A LOT of regrettable decisions that you'll have to make.
So when Catherine texts through and asks if you want to see a picture of her, justsay no. It's not worth it.
#2 - 'THE WITCHER 3: WILD HUNT'
When taking control of an iconic badass such as Geralt of Rivia, you can fully expect to reap all the benefits that come packaged along with it. That of course means having several encounters with the opposite sex and the chance to pursue some rather heated situations that can sometimes catch us off guard.
Grappling your way through the world, slaying one monster at a time, can often be tiring and in need of compensation. So with a stroke of luck and, of course, Geralt's boyish charms, those sessions of therapy can often turn to things a whole lot more raunchier than we originally expected.
Luckily, The Witcher, being a rather adult-like game anyway, didn't catch my attention when it first hit the market back in 2007. This meant of course I didn't need to worry about picking it up and then having to face the embarrassment as my parents walked in mid-way through a lengthy sex scene or anything like that. Instead I was too pre-occupied with the likes of happy-go-lucky indie platformers and lighthearted stories like, I don't know, Viva Piñata.
When thinking of The Witcher these days I think it's safe to say most people can expect adult-themes when roaming the lands as the idolised hero. With his two swords strapped to his back and a third always edging towards a female companion, it's no doubt you'll be escorting him towards many, many temporary relationships throughout your journey in The Continent.
#1 - 'GRAND THEFT AUTO'
I think this one was always going to be pretty obvious, wasn't it? There was always going to be a special spot for our iconic franchise, Grand Theft Auto.
When it comes to thinking of a game you'd like to gift your kids on Christmas morning, Grand Theft Auto should be at the very, VERY back of the queue, regardless of how many times they kick and scream for it. Because everybody in their right mind knows what the franchise entails, and to be tricked into thinking it is educational in any way would only be a massive shit-talking lie.
Yes, the latest in the series, Grand Theft Auto V, does technically feature mini-games that can teach you a thing or two about stock marketing and how the scoring system in tennis works or whatnot. But then remove the flimsy sheet of plastic covering the bulk of the game and you quickly discover that everything bad about the human species is literally plastered over every square-inch of the vibrant world you see before you.
Sex, drugs, vandalism, cursing, murdering, stealing—it's all there, packed tightly into a lengthy campaign that shows no sign of holding back when it comes to engaging players or smashing boundaries.
Grand Theft Auto offers us the freedom to do as we please and still feel no attachment at any given moment. Whether it being a murderous rampage or a thousand dollar lap dance at a local strip joint, there's no stopping us from marching forth and doing as we please without dealing with the fallout of getting arrested or shot with a grenade launcher.
Grand Theft Auto has always stood at the very pinnacle of the open-world category, and whilst it continues to throw punches and dodge bullets from outraged parents, it will continue to expand into a franchise that will eventually dominate the world entirely until there's nothing left to conquer.
IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
I think we can all confidently admit that video games are becoming a whole lot more ballsy than we ever anticipated. And with the upcoming release of new consoles, it wouldn't surprise me if the featured explicit content is so lifelike that we aren't able to tell the difference between gaming and reality.
We've come a long way in terms of expanding our horizons and views on the subject as a whole. From the very beginning where so much as showing a nipple was considered risky, to present day where you can basically watch a swarm of orgies and not so much as blink in a state of shock.
Kids these days will look back on the likes of Duke Nukem and laugh in hysterics, refusing to believe that there was ever a time where we'd actually blush over such things.
These days, everybody just sort of rolls with it. And to be fair, that's nice. It's useful knowing everybody is pretty much on the same page and there's not too much to worry about.
So next time you decide to have a relaxing game of virtual volleyball and your partner suddenly walks in, just smile and wave.
It's only natural.
- J Tury