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Sexiest Video Games of All Time

by Ben Kharakh 4 years ago in list
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Smashing the patriarchy and killing Nazis is what gets you on our list of sexiest video games of all time. Being GGG helps too.

The fact that self-identifying male gamers outnumber female gamers 15% to 6% is no reason to construct female video game characters to appease the male gaze. Not cool!That makes a lot of sexy games" bottom rung on our list of sexiest video games of all time.

So don't expect to see Grand Theft Auto or Final Fantasy cracking our top ten! For us, there's nothing sexier than a swift kick to the jugular of our white supremacist patriarchy. So here are the real sexiest video games, full of strong female protagonists and men who treat women as equals.

Samus Aran fights space pirates and hunts energy draining parasites called Metroids, which are the namesake of the Metroid series. Samus's first mission takes place on the cavernous world of Zebes, wherein Samus begins with a simple power beam that gets upgraded over time.

Before long, Samus has single-handedly dispatched hundreds of enemies and saved the Galactic Federation. Then the helmet comes off and turns out Samus was a woman the whole time! WHY DID YOU ASSUME SAMUS WAS A MAN?!

There's nothing sexier than upending sexist expectations. Although Samus would go on to have her appearance altered to accommodate the male gaze, her initial introduction remains a timeless addition to the sexiest video games of all time.

Ms. Pac-Man is a strong independent woman. She's not wife material; she's life partner material! Me-ow! Nothing's sexier than a woman who knows what she wants and goes for it.

Ms. Pac-Man is also not afraid to assert her sexuality, and that's very sexy to us too! She dispatches those ghosts just as well as Pac-Man but in heels and keeps her bow perfectly off-kilter! We're ga-ga for Ms. Pac-Man, one of the sexiest video games of all time.

The "B.J." in B.J. Blazjowicz might as well stand for "Big Jew" because the star of the Wolfenstein series is one of the Chosen People. He's been kicking Nazi butt for over 25 years! One of the sexiest games of all time is about a religious minority dominating its historic oppressor throughout the ages.

That's right, B.J. owes his youthful looks to the introduction of cryogenic freezing into the Wolfenstein franchise. He'd go on to vanquish Nazis in an alternate reality where the Axis powers won the Second World War and govern America (as opposed to the present where homeopathic Hitler's fascistic pipe dreams are barely kept in check by our institutions). In an age where Trump struggles to condone Neo-Nazis and retweets over 75 white supremacists, fighting Nazis in a video is actually taking a political stance!

Carmen Sandiego is a globetrotting criminal mastermind that's been evading capture for over 30 years, with her last sighting being Carmen Sandiego Returns in 2015. All the while she teaches children history and geography.

She's not only a woman in a male dominated field, she's also a thief of unprecedented talent—an agent of chaos who would put the Joker to shame. She's stolen the history of medicine itself and once even snagged the concept of natural language, seemingly attaining god-like status. She's always undone by the very children she teaches, which begs the question: is this trickster goddess our foe or our muse? Either way, Carmen Sandiego is one of the sexiest video games of all time.

Earlier versions of Tomb Raider constructed a well endowed, scantily clad Lara Craft to appeal to 14-year-old boys from ages 10 to 40. Those games wouldn't get anywhere near our list of sexiest games of all time. Who would go into a jungle in short-shorts and an exposed midriff?! You'd get stung by scorpions, banged up by rocks, and caught real quick by baddies because you're not blending in with the jungle!

When you look at how Lara Croft has changed over the years you can watch the de-evolution and shocking evolution of her design. Developer Crystal Dynamics began to make Lara more realistic and, in doing so, really started pushing video games in general forward. Now Lara gets affected by her environment, getting covered in blood, dirt, and water as she makes her way through her adventure.

The Last of Us is a survival horror game considered one of the greatest video games of all time, as evidenced by it's record setting sales and multiple Game of the Year awards. In the game, you play a smuggler named Joel whose task it is to get Ellie, a teenage girl, across a zombie plagued USA. Defying expectations set by popular depictions of teenage girls, Ellie is a strong female protagonist. She's carrying a potential cure to the contagion that's spread across the US, but she doesn't need protecting! In fact, in the portions when the player controls Ellie, it's Joel who's protected by her. This makes The Last of Us one of the sexiest video games of all time. It even has a story fit for the big screen (assuming it survives development hell).

Woo waa wee waa what an idea for a game! Maxine Caulfield is a photographer who can rewind time. Who'd pass on that? Almost everybody! Why? Because the game has a female lead. Ew, boy. Luckily, Square Enix ended up making the game, which won the BAFTA Games Award for Best Story, a Peabody Award, and The Game Awards' Game for Impact Award. Sticking it to the patriarchy and then putting numbers on the boards? Baller. A welcome entry into our list of sexiest games of all time! Life Is Strangeexplores time travel, identity, and even goes into some SVU territory as Maxine tackles sex crimes and drug dealers.

Jacob Taylor, Commander Shepard (who was originally designed to be a woman), and the rest of the Mass Effect cast are so realistically rendered that we can't help but swoon. They're just a bunch of models in space! It's like the cast of Dallas, Melrose Place, Gossip Girl, and Riverdale in there! Someone catch us before we faint from all these hunks and babes! One of the sexiest video games of all time for sure! We're going to have to think about baseball to calm down.

Well, that backfired! We don't understand why people always say they're thinking about baseball to curb arousal. These guys are hot! They're literally professional athletes and they're groomed to look good on the field. How could games about baseball not end up in a list of the sexiest games of all times. Heck, all sports are sexy! They even made us forget what kind of list we're writing; back to business!

Mario battles through castle after castle, world after world, and even hops around in a giant shoe only to reach the end and be told, "The Princess is in another castle." And he keeps going. Here are ten Super Mario Odyssey snapshots you need to see to really appreciate Mario's journey.

The dedication Mario has to Toadstool makes Super Mario one of the sexiest video games of all time! There's no storyline where Mario strays from the Princess, even though you know Wario is tempting him with all sorts of infidelities. At the end of the day, what we all want is for someone who'll fight for us like Mario fights for the Princess. Also, after all he's gone through, you can just tell he's GGG.


About the author

Ben Kharakh

Manic pixie dream goth. With appearances in Fortune, Vice, Gothamist, and McSweeney's.@benkharakh

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