Bradonna's Bully BitLife

What do you need to know about my early life? Well, my mother raised me on her own. Apparently, I was a not-so-happy accident resulting from a Netflix and chill session gone terribly wrong. Or maybe awfully right. I don't know. I wasn't there yet.

When I was 1, my mother married Billy Joe something or other. His name was longer than Elizabeth Taylor's, and he's really not that interesting. They had a baby after the condom broke, which tells me that my mother had a severe problem with protection.

Throughout my childhood, I made some disturbing statements. Like one time I said, I decapitated my Barbie dolls to feel better. Yet no one put me into therapy or tried to talk to me. Everything that happened after that is squarely on them. I am nothing more than an innocent murderess.

My first killing happened at age 8. A little boy was bullying my sister, and I headbutted him. And you want to know what happened? My mother and stepfather went on vacation. When they came home, they cowered in the corner and watched as I burned my Barbies in the fireplace.

I may not have been a well child.

After that, I caused a bunch of mischief with my sister and friends. Further escalating my crime spree, can you escalate from murder? Adding to my long list of crimes was the fact that I robbed a few homes, including that of a club promoter. Got $600 bucks from it.

At 10 years old, I met the love of this life, David. We began dating, and I bought him a Call Of Duty game. No one questioned how I was able to afford it.

Teen Crime Story

My life of crime continued throughout my teen years. At 11, I robbed a mobster. This seems very karmic to me now. I robbed him of a valuable diamond; they robbed me of my life. Fair trade.

The robberies continued throughout the years with varying success. Varying in terms of finances. I was never caught. Taylor Swift called me a phantom; I called her next.

Though he thought I was troubled, David and I stuck it through. We eventually gave into passion. There was a new passion in my life, Dungeons, and Dragons. I joined the club at school and became the treasurer.

At the club, I flirted with a couple of the guys. Made a pass at one of them, but he turned me down. Couldn't handle all of me. Thank goodness David never found out. Do one little thing like try to have sex with another guy, and these boys go to pieces.

After I graduated, I applied to university. My major was psychology, since nobody wanted to help, I figured I'd help myself. Or at least meet some cute guys along the way.

It worked. Jorge and I met at school and began flirting with one another. Before long, he asked me out, and David left me. He wasn't interested in what I had planned for the three of us.

His loss.

Hurricane Bradonna

In my final years of college, I decided to ratchet up my antics. For the most part, I'd been quiet and polite. In other words, it was so unlike me.

My classmates had a nickname for me; Bradonna Krueger. Likewise, I had a nickname for them; town idiots. I pranked them and caused all sorts of problems. Even mimicking one of the popular boy's mannerisms, he didn't think it was as cute as I did.

I asked my friend Tommy Lee why he showed his junk on Instagram, but he didn't think I was funny. In fact, he called me a mistake. Or maybe he said I made a mistake, seeing as he shares a name with the famous rock star.

Either way, I was furious. So I did what came naturally; I tried to pull his underwear over his head in an attempt to kill him. It failed. Then he got mad at me for trying to take his life and elbowed my belly button.

It wasn't all negativity and chaos, though. When my brother, Floyd, came out of the closet, I supported him. He was ever so thankful to have me on his side.

And when I saw a woman being harassed on the streets, I stood up for her.

Despite my good deeds, my mother still refused to help me pay for graduate school. Something she would pay for later on.

Jorge proposed to me, and I accepted, of course.

Chaos At Work

Right after I graduated, I got a job at Fountainhead Broadcasting Service as a camera person. But life had some really upsetting things in store for me.

I came home one day to find Jorge making love to a woman who wasn't me. And they didn't invite me to join in! Can you believe it? I was so outraged I kicked them both out of my house. Later, I tried to kill my ex, but he survived.

Jorge started stalking me. Apparently, he likes spicy lovers, and the cops thought I was wasting their time by reporting him. It was okay, though. When he texted me, I asked him to come over, and we had ex-sex.

Because I was bored, I decided to torment my coworkers. Much the same as I did my classmates previously, I began a reign of terror that left them fuming. But HR didn't do anything about me.

Even when I seduced my supervisor, Duke, they didn't do anything to me. In fact, they gave me a raise and a promotion to reporter.

The good times didn't last, though. I tried to rob a twerker's house, but the dog caught me. After being arrested, I pleaded not guilty but was convicted. The judge sentenced me to two years in the clink.

Two years of being on my best behavior. Or so they thought.

In And Out

A year into my sentence, I appealed my conviction. It was successful, and I was released, my record expunged. Really what is attempted burglary? So I tried to steal some leggings and a few bucks; it's not like I caused a gorilla to be killed.

Sonata Broadcasting Corporation hired me as a reporter. Right after being hired, I found myself attracted to my coworker and tried to hook up with him. He rejected me. Then I got fired.

Rather than trying a traditional job again, I decided to join the Colosimo crime family. I thought I could be a mafia princess and really have some fun.

At first, I did. There were a bunch of businesses that I tried to extort, and the managers' refusal led to me killing them. I also stole some cars for the family, which put me in their good graces.

But like all good things, my time as a mob moll ended. I tried to seduce the Godfather, and he wasn't having any of it. Probably because I was wearing Jorge's old underwear when I did it. Nonetheless, they kicked me out of the family.

I went back to being a reporter, this time at Sativa Broadcasting Corporation. Where I immediately tortured my new coworkers. Some people say hello with cake and flowers; I say hello with bathroom desks and mixing laxatives with their candy.

There might have also been an attempt at hooking up with another coworker who failed. But HR wanted nothing to do with it.

Three Deaths And A Funeral

Some dude named Buck hit on me at the bar one night. We hooked up, and I had a really good time. So did he. But then some things got in our way, like his wife.

I asked him if we could be a couple, but he said no because he was already married. So I pushed his wife off a cliff. Who said romance is dead? But he still didn't want to be with me.

Mother said that my sense of romance was twisted. So, I did what any loving child would do when their parents say that about them. I pulled her underwear over her head and killed her with an atomic wedgie.

Three years after my mother's and romantic rival's deaths, I was arrested on two counts of murder. My lawyers were buffoons and got me convicted. The judge sentenced me to death. Death!

And Sativa Broadcasting fired me. Yeah, they let me go just because I was on death row.

My conviction was overturned on appeal. Turned out I was right; my lawyers were buffoons and not very good at their job.

With a new lease on life, I tried to rejoin the Colosimo crime family. Unfortunately, my beauty still stirred certain feelings in the Godfather, and he had me whacked.

Or so he thought.