Planet's Got WEIRD FROGS!

LIVE from around the globe, it's the hottest new reality-talent show on the planet! Four amphibians, ready to showcase their oddness! Four croakings and croaqueens, ready to astound and confuse! Four living proofs that PLANET'S GOT WEIRD FROGS!

*APPLAUSE*

Welcome everyone to PLANET'S GOT WEIRD FROGS, the show where we learn that some types of frogs are...just...really, really weird! No, you won't hear anyone bust out "Hello My Baby", but you'll be witness to some of nature's most fascinating oddities, all from your favorite amphibians! And when it's all said and done, one frog will be declared the PLANET'S WEIRDEST FROG, and will go home with ONE MILLION DOLLARS CASH!

*APPLAUSE*

Here at PLANET'S GOT WEIRD FROGS, our contestants will be evaluated by our wonderful three judges! We've got: the mean judge...

*AUDIENCE BOOS*

...the nice judge...

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

...and the judge who's also nice but 〜QUIRKY!〜

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

And now, without further ado, let's meet our first contestant! Straight out of your strangest, most frog-specific nightmares, it's the HAIRY FROG!

*CAUTIOUS APPLAUSE*

The hairy frog, affectionately called "horror frog" by some, has quite the gross-out look, with hair-like papillae on the side of its body. But wait, there's more! Behind this shaggy exterior hides a secret weapon. Indeed, when the hairy frog feels threatened, it goes through the logical, rational process of BREAKING ITS OWN BONES TO TURN THEM INTO CLAWS.

*AUDIENCE GASPS*

"Wow! A real-life Wolverine right here! Someone call Professor X over here, am I right folks, or what? COME ON FOLKS, MAKE SOME NOISE FOR THIS FROG!"

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

Oh, quirky judge! You're such a hoot! But you do bring up a good point, as another one of the hairy frog's nicknames is the "Wolverine frog"! Not to be confused with actual, real-life wolverines. ANYWAY, if you were worried that these FROGS wouldn't be WEIRD enough, It should be obvious now that these worries were... much hairdo about nothing!

*CRICKETS*

NEXT UP, say hello to the Living Dead! From North America, with an icy demeanor that won't leave anyone cold, it's herpetologists' favorite zombie, the WOOD FROG!

*CAUTIOUS APPLAUSE*

While it spends most of the year living a normal froggy life, it's when winter comes that the wood frog's greatest ability comes into play. Unable to escape the harsh, life-threatening weather, the wood frog saves itself from freezing to death by...ALMOST freezing to death. As the outside temperature grows colder, the majority of the wood frog's body becomes frozen. The frog can NO LONGER breathe, and its heart can NO LONGER beat!

*AUDIENCE GASPS*

However, a mix of glucose and glycogen in its blood acts as a type of antifreeze that protects its cells, keeping the wood frog alive! It's a living, non-breathing popsicle! What a miracle!

*APPLAUSE*

"Puh-lease! I see frozen frog legs at the grocery store all the time. At least those taste good! Unless it plans on hopping on my plate later, I can't say I'm impressed."

*AUDIENCE BOOS*

Oh, mean judge! You so mean! Despite its best efforts, I think the wood frog's chances of winning this competition...are out cold!

*BIG OL' CRICKETS*

...Meet our next contestant! The amphibian that sacrificed its dignity for science! The frog that puts the PEE in pregnancy! Please welcome the African Clawed Frog!

*CAUTIOUS APPLAUSE*

The African Clawed Frog looks fairly ordinary, but it can hold a very intimate secret... it can guess if you're pregnant!

*AUDIENCE GASPS*

More precisely, long before home pregnancy tests were widely available, doctors used THIS VERY FROG as a pregnancy test! They would insert a woman's pee inside the frog. If the woman was pregnant, the frog would lay eggs! What a scientific marvel, and what a traumatic event for the animal! Talk about a frog that probably WISHES it wasn't eligible for this show!

"My gosh! These frogs are all SO WEIRD! I wish they could all win!"

Yes, nice judge, that is... that is certainly a comment you just made.

SPEAKING OF BIRTH, our final contestant knows all about it! From the waters of South America, this frog is a real mother-hen! If she says she'll carry you on her back, she means it! It's the SURINAM TOAD!

*BARELY AN APPLAUSE, AUDIENCE ALREADY GASPING*

When this frog's eggs are laid, they're placed somewhere the mother's sure not to lose them: through holes in her skin. Then, when the young toadlets are finally ready to enter this world, they do it byERUPTING OUT OF THEIR MOM'S BACK!

*AUDIENCE GASPS, BARFS A LITTLE*

What a mesmerizing spectacle, a miracle of life, and perhaps the creepiest game of Whack-a-mole in history!

But WAIT! Mean judge has hit his X button! What's wrong, mean judge?

"A toad is not a frog! It should be disqualified! Get this ugly Betty out of here!"

An interesting point brought up by the mean judge here... except for the fact that it's WRONG! Despite its confusing name, the Surinam toad is a part of the Pipidae family of amphibians, making it a clear-cut frog! I bet the mean judge feels real stupid right now!

*AUDIENCE THROWS GARBAGE AT THE MEAN JUDGE*

*THE OTHER TWO JUDGES MAKE FUN OF THE MEAN JUDGE IN AN AMUSING, "CELEBRITIES, THEY'RE JUST LIKE US!" TYPE OF WAY*

It's two against one, and the two nice judges have decided to AWARD THE VICTORY TO THE SURINAM TOAD

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

Congratulations, Surinam toad! Amongst all the odd, the creepy, the oh-so strange frogs, you are by far the weirdest! You are just... you're just SO WEIRD.

*AUDIENCE CHEERS*

The good news is, the Surinam toad has won ONE MILLION DOLLARS CASH! The bad news is, it's a frog, with no real use for money, and we've just dumped a million dollars in South American waters for no reason!

*BEFUDDLED SILENCE*

Join us next season, for PLANET'S GOT WEIRD FROGS!!!

*APPLAUSE*

*CREDITS ROLL*

*TOADLETS KEEP CLIMBING OUT OF FROG'S BACK*

*FADE TO BLACK*