An Anti-Valentine's Day: the Soundtrack

8:39 AM. Morning sunlight stabs your eyelids through the window, waking you up from your slumber. Still in a daze, you reach for your phone to get your morning dose of social media distraction. As your eyes meet your lock screen, however, you notice the date, and it dawns on you that today is no normal day...

February 14th... VALENTINE'S DAY.

Aaaaaaah, yes, Valentine's Day! What a lovely, wonderful, magnificent holiday... so you've heard. But what is it about this day that makes it oh-so-special? Is it the pressure put upon you by society to shower your loved ones with heart-shaped candies and other heart-shaped novelties? Is it the parade of couples throwing their gag-inducing cuteness in your face? Maybe it's the gruesome sacrifice of goats and dogs by naked priests!

Wait, no. That's not right. That last one's actually from the ancestor of Valentine's Day, Lupercalia, a pagan festival that promoted fertility through sexually-charged rituals!

Tomayto-tomahto, you think to yourself.

Indeed, love is in the air, but you just don't care, as you've never found Valentine's Day to be anything more than a groan-inducing, corporate-friendly nightmare. A facade of sweet feelings behind which lies greed and manipulation, a day when pure love is replaced by forced acts of romance and flower-measuring contests. Fake, materialistic, and worst of all... annoying.

And, sure, it reminds you that you're single. But that's just the kick-in-the-balls-flavored cherry on top.

Letting out a sigh, you abandon the idea of scrolling through your feed, dreading the syrupy messages that have certainly invaded it. And just like that, you have a feeling that today will be a boring, demoralizing day.

But NO, you suddenly tell yourself. You will not let yourself be brought down by this loud bummer of a holiday. Not anymore! Today, you will combat Valentine's Day, and you will achieve that... through MUSIC! You open your notes app and put together a small list of the oddest, least romantic songs you can think of. If you feel overwhelmed by thoughts of red hearts and ugly cherubs, you will listen to one. These odious tunes will embellish your day by setting a crappy, unromantic mood. The perfect solution to an imperfect day. The soundtrack to an Anti-Valentine's Day.

11:22 AM. You had fallen back asleep, as is customary during lazy weekend mornings. Now split between your desire to stay in bed and your sudden hunger for frozen waffles, you start thinking about all those couples who are having breakfast in bed at this very moment. No time to dwell, though! You wash the mushy thoughts away by listening to Rammstein's Du Hast. With an intense, ear-piercing melody, a growly-voiced Russian, and lyrics that, when translated, speak of a desire to not get married, this song perfectly sets the tone for an anti-romantic day. You rock your head to the rhythm, your momentary longing for a life of companionship effectively replaced by an unattainable desire to have a voice as cool and manly as Till Lindemann.

12:05 PM. After some more headbanging in bed, you get up, take a quick bite of those delicious, still-frozen waffles (haters be damned) and hop right in the shower. As you clean your body on this 14th of February, some, hum, thoughts enter your head. Thoughts of a certain type of activity that valentines might partake in today. But there's no shame in that! You may not want romance to make a mess of your day, but love, true love, can make a mess anytime it wants. Mr. Bungle's Love is a Fist is what you ask your smart speaker to play, a fine anthem for this moment of self-care. A funky, all-over-the-place melody and very crude lyrics now accompany the soothing sound of falling water, and the contrast entertains you very much. Eventually, though, you end up tuning it out. You're focused on something else right now.

4:43 PM. After an afternoon distracting yourself with bloody horror movies, you leave your couch and go outside. You decide to go grocery shopping, because when it comes to unromantic activities, it doesn't get much better than spending twenty minutes in the soup aisle, weighing the pros and cons of each Chunky flavor. Right upon entering the store, however, you come face-to-face with the Valentine's Day chocolates, perfectly displayed for the world to see. All heart-shaped, all tantalizing, all high-priced. Something about that shape makes chocolate look even tastier, you can't explain it. But NO, you shall not succumb! You shall not give a single penny to this consumerist mousetrap! You shall not suck at the teet of capitalism! No sirree!

The growlings of your stomach interrupt your thoughts. You now regret coming here right before dinner, like an idiot. Right then and there, you take your phone and earbuds out of hiding and look for Sick Sick Sick by Queens of the Stone Age. The raw, dirty guitar riff would be enough to trouble some's appetites, but the song's true value at this moment lies in its music video. As you watch scenes of a cannibalistic woman indulging in obscene amounts of food, you feel your stomach turn. You had once told yourself you'd never watch this video again, traumatizing as it was to see it on MTV as a child, but when faced with the traitorous temptations of this holiday, all is fair in love and war.

A young couple passes by and sees you, in the middle of a grocery store, watching footage of humans getting prepared for consumption. They are confused, disturbed even. Good. No chocolate for them either.

6:11 PM. You are getting ready to feast on a delicious plate of pasta. As you sit down to eat, you notice the light above your table is starting to flicker. The lightbulb is about to die out. You might need to light a candle to finish dinner.

As in candlelit dinner.

The universe is trolling you, is what that means.

As you think of all those couples having a romantic dinner right now, you wonder what type of music they have in the background. Some sexy, sexy sax, you bet, the sultry sounds of which make for an enchanted evening.

You light a candle on your table, and put on Cotton Eye Joe, by Rednex. You can barely eat your meal through the laughter, as the thought of this song playing over a romantic dinner almost makes pasta sauce go through your nose. Two people, exchanging loving glances, as TECHNO MUSIC WITH BANJOS IN IT blares through the speakers of an Italian restaurant. What a glorious scene it would be. *Chef's kiss*

9:02 PM. Your day was peppered with hits such as Rob Zombie's Living Dead Girl and System of a Down's Vicinity of Obscenity. Now, though, after only a few hours of playing video games, you're already thinking of going to bed. It seems as though spending a day trying to distract yourself from intrusive thoughts can take its toll on you. Which makes you think... you spent most of the day thinking about Valentine's Day, didn't you? Those songs were just short-lived solutions, weren't they? This slimy holiday strikes again! But you haven't said your last word, haven't you? NO, you have not! You have one last song, one last solution to exorcise those overbearing from your sweet innocent mind. This last-ditch solution is none other than the sweet, sexy, nursing lullaby that is the WWF's Right to Censor theme.

This "song", used by censorship-themed wrestlers as they came down to the ring to beat some ass, can also be used, you assume, to eliminate invading thoughts. Hell, if listened for too long, it can probably break your brain altogether. It's a risk worth taking.

You close your eyes and let the alarms do their magic. You can't think of Valentine's Day if you can't think of anything! Those final images of red flowers and dastardly cupids are destroyed, conquered by the sirens of justice! No more valentines! No more romance! No more materialism! No more, no more, no more...

Somehow, you fall asleep.

9h03AM. February 15th. Echoes of Rednex and Mr. Bungle still wander through your brain. The clearance racks now abound with heart-shaped candies and other heart-shaped novelties. It is, finally, a normal day.

You listen to Du Hast again. It's a really good song.