How To Avoid Conflict

Over a very long working life of more than fifty years, I have learned at least three very effective ways by which to avoid conflict. And the best part is, the following strategies are as relevant to our personal lives as well as to our lives in business and at work.

And the advantages of avoiding conflict, in any sphere of our daily lives, are more agreeable relationships, higher productivity, a significant decrease in stress, a healthier, higher quality of life and an increase in life expectancy.

Underpromise and overdeliver

Not too difficult to understand, is it? If I promise to give you a thousand dollars a month salary, and I actually give you one thousand five hundred, you would be overjoyed. On the other hand, if at the end of the month, I give you not one thousand, but five hundred, well Houston we have a problem.

Likewise, if I tell a new date I will meet her at eight o'clock and I am early, she won't have anything to complain about there, will she? However, if I turn up at nine o'clock, oh boy will she be mad at me.

Just try to think about all the different situations where you could totally eliminate every single cause of conflict with just that one little strategy.

Agree and disarm

All conflict arises from two or more people taking opposing views. And as long as all parties maintain their entrenched positions, so the conflict will escalate and rage on until somebody is defeated or backs down. It is not rocket science as they say.

Over twenty years ago I was working as a car salesman in a large dealership next to a dairy farm. One day some guy strode in and marched right up to my desk. I did not know him from Adam, but the expression on his face and his gait were warnings of impending physical aggression.

The guy arrived at my desk and immediately, threateningly growled "This dealership is crap, and you sir are a fecking idiot." OK, so how do I react to this act of unwarranted aggression towards me?

Well, I know lots of guys who would have put the man on his ass. No messing about, one hard punch would have done the trick, I have seen that scenario played out a great many times. However, I was there to sell cars, not fight.

"You're right, I am an idiot. An idiot for working here, but here is where I am." I replied, which had the effect of stopping him, dead in his tracks. See? I agreed with him right there, right back at him. I was in effect taking his side. Now I was not an enemy to do battle with, I was a potential ally.

"And I must say, sir, you're looking very well today. So, which of these beautiful cars would you like to buy."

"I'm not here to buy a car..." he snarled.

"Well, you've either come here to buy a car, to have a fight, or to smell the cow shit on the farm next door, sir. Why Don't I get you a nice coffee whilst you decide." I smiled at him and laughed a little at my own joke. A friendly smile is a lot more infectious than aggression.

For a brief moment, he looked like he was about to swing a punch at me, but suddenly he melted. My humour had got to him and he smiled back at me.

"Here, why don't you take a seat and I'll get you that coffee, black or white, with sugar or without? And then you can tell me all about it and I'll see what I can do."

The guy suddenly sat down at my desk saying "Black with no sugar please."

Now I don't remember exactly what it was that had made him angry right at the start, all I know is that not only had I managed to calm the situation down, but I also sold him a very nice car! Mouse caught, mission accomplished.

I do think his problem was about a previous purchase with another car salesman. And, at the start, I could have asked him what his problem was, but I didn't want to hear it in an insulting aggressive tone of voice accompanied by violent body language. So I decided to take control of the situation and gently guide it to a more civilised interaction. It worked, and not for the first or only time.

Disconnect

Ok, and so we come to strategy number three. Sometimes it is better to shut up and step back and listen to the other person's point of view. You have got two ears and one mouth, so use them in that proportion.

By actively listening, hopefully, you will discover a way of moving the interaction onto a more agreeable plane. What usually happens is the other person will talk themselves down to a calmer place. They just wanted somebody to listen.

If the aggression continues and/or escalates, it is usually better to simply disconnect and walk away. He who turns and walks away lives to fight another day.

Sometimes, if we reach this point of no resolution, it is a good idea to not only walk away but to ask a colleague to take over. Maybe the guy didn't like my face or the colour of my suit and tie. Whatever it is that is stopping things from being resolved, quite often a change of face is all that is needed.

Now I have used all three of the above strategies in a variety of spheres of my life, and with a very high degree of success. The one area where I did not have any success was in my past relationships with my two ex-wives. 

Both of my marriages ended in acrimonious divorces, which cost me very dearly indeed, but it was most certainly not due to any mismanagement of those situations on my part. What it was due to was both exes taking a deeply entrenched position of wanting and trying to destroy me and get everything just for them. No matter how hard I tried, my efforts were not in any way shape or form reciprocated by them. 

So, remember, you cannot win them all. And the ones you cannot win, all you can do is walk away and leave them to their narcissistic toxicity. Ultimately, that type of behaviour is self-destructive and nobody in their right mind wants to have to deal with it. Happy hunting, you wise old owl.