Week Two

Week Two

Lethargy, mood swings and fear

Uncertainty is a place where not many can live for long. Its very definition does not allow you to move back or move forward, everything is up in the air. The fear of the unknown wants to draw you back into the known, even though it is there that the abuse and hell lay. Your mood swings from happy that you are free to fearing that very freedom.

I still ask permission to go to bed for the night, to eat what food I want instead of what someone else prepared or is preparing. I still fear physical repercussions for doing the wrong thing, for watching the wrong program on tv, for not confessing enough of my sins. I fear taking the next step in getting a life outside of the church. I fear driving and getting lost and not being able to find the safety of the house I am staying in. I fear never having a home of my own. The fear is nearly paralyzing. Yet how do I move beyond the fear? How do I live a life of freedom? I have found very few resources to help, very few people who can do more then give me a place to live for a few months. This is where the mood swings come in. I range at this point from anger to fear to joy. Where is this God who professed to love me? Was it all my imagination? How do I take the next step? Where can I go, who can help me become totally free?

I chose to go to therapy, I wanted someone to help me work through all the thoughts and fears in my head. Therapy is expensive, so I have had to put it off. When one wants to become whole, they must be able to pay for it, since no one else will. I have learned that I am owed nothing. My life may have been hell but in the end, no one really cares. You are expected to hide the pain. Let it out only when others can not see what is going on inside of you. It is ok to say you need a mental health day but the whys behind that are still not socially acceptable.

Walking away from everything means you have nothing. You feel constantly like you are one breath away from losing what little you have gained. Doing this in the time of corona means there is even less to go around then there was before. Few people are willing to give you the hug that you need, the forehead kisses, the comfort to let you know you are safe. I understand why so many people return to the hells that they escaped, even though its hell there is security there. You may not have food every day but there is food. There are rules regulations and you are expected to think in a specific way, but there is security in that.

The hardest part is insecurity. The insecurity of your very future. Insecurity in yourself. If you were caught in the web of a cult once, will it happen again? Will you ever break the part of yourself that needed that situation? Will you ever be comfortable within your own skin and mind? Will I ever not fear hell?

This path is an endless road. I am told there is an end to this journey, but at this point, I cannot see the next step, much less what the path will look like in a year, two years, or even longer down this road. I have found I need someone to hold my hand on this journey, but there is no one who can help me along this path that I can afford yet. Maybe one day.