TJ Padida’s Superpowers

What special power(s) can pass any test, at least anywhere on Earth, and be named accordingly? Gaining information about an event at a remote place by unknown means? Perceiving information about a future event before it occurs? Transferring information between individuals without the use of any of the five senses? Influencing matter, time, space, or energy by unknown means? No one has been able to prove any claims of special or super powers including any so-called events that relate to clairvoyance, precognition, telepathy, or psychokinesis. It remains to be seen whether it is too bad or too good.

The following activities quickly became TJ Padida’s favourite: (1) removing very evil people from the face of the Earth, (2) punishing ignorant and immoral people, (3) educating ignorant and moral people, and (4) rewarding supportive people. These activities quickly became a few of his favourite things. Did he favour any activity above the others?

He was regretful nonetheless for having been born too late to stop any of the most monstrous crimes ever committed, namely the Shoah (Holocaust), the devastation of the American (North, central, and South) Natives and other First Nations, the Armenian genocide, and the slave trade. Mao and Stalin, among others, sprang to his mind as particularly appalling despots, but their crimes were committed in house, and while not diminishing anything from their brutality, these remained lesser in degree than those committed against the marked other. The Spanish Inquisition was nauseating, to say the least, but presented some solace in the fact that many of its victims were given the choice between leaving sacrosanct Spain or surrendering to its Christian servitude.

He tried his special powers on several horrible past events, both major and minor in scope, but all those cruelties preserved their horrifying marks in all historical accounts, clearly indicating that he could not affect the ghastly past. Disappointed to dire depression, he only managed to overcome it when the present and its persistent spites appeared as passable proxies to what would have been the most meaningful acts. The Shoah and its wretched relatives remained resolute reminders of events that should never have occurred and never occur again.

While not the end of the world, it looked like 2012 would become TJ’s first year of might against tyranny and ignorance, as well as the first year in the history of the world when doing good for the benefit of the many could bring rewards beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. Did TJ find it easier to spot the ruthless scum of humanity or recognize its noble darlings? Was it easier for him to rid the world of the former or lavishly encourage the latter?

Kony disappeared on the morning of October 9, 2012. His chasers and his followers kept looking for him, but he vanished without a trace. He was spared from the talons of justice, but could not inflict any more death and suffering. It would have been impossible to find him had the search continued because no one would have imagined that this killer of life and happiness and youth had been sent to the moon. He had swiftly stumbled on this extraterrestrial soil; boiling, breathless, and perhaps wondering while losing his skin and suffocating with the dust that was rapidly filling his nostrils and gaping mouth, whether hell had finally found him.

TJ had looked at a picture of Kony for a squat second, feeling sickened and incensed, and then had pictured the monster on the surface of the moon. He could have sent him to the moon’s core, but his death would have been too quick. Some suffering was in order for such a cruel executioner.

Limbaugh found himself somewhere in the Mojave Desert on the early morning of November 4, 2012. He managed to walk a few miles, reach a road and encounter a man before noon, but the man hated his guts. He helped him nonetheless to get to a nearby town, but kept repeating that he hated his views, which had no point except for spreading lies and hatred. Limbaugh kept finding himself somewhere in the Mojave Desert on the early morning of the 4th day of each subsequent month until July 4, 2013 when he decided that he had enough and should kill himself. Of course, he didn’t.

Ratzinger appeared in Tel-Aviv at the corner of Dizengoff Street and Arlozorov Street on the evening of December 8, 2012. Only a few people recognized him without his garb, which may have been a good thing. Upon returning to Rome, he and his entourage weighed the possible meanings of his undocumented presence in the Holy Land and decided that God worked in mysterious ways. When he reappeared at the same corner in Tel-Aviv on the evening of February 23, 2013, they decided that God wanted something of him given that the first appearance had coincided with the first day of Hanukah, and the second with Purim; two Jewish holidays in the Holy Land. When he reappeared at the same corner on the evening of March 25, 2013, which coincided with the first day of Passover, they believed that God wanted him, them, and every Christian, to become Jewish. His reappearance there on the evening of April 7, 2013, the Shoah Remembrance Day, dazed anyone still doubting it.

Gates saw his wealth swiftly swell threefold on April 4, 2013. The value of his shares remained the same, but the net worth of his personal accounts increased by 100 billion dollars. He was truly the richest man in the world and the only one capable of giving away one million dollars to one hundred thousand people, or one hundred thousand dollars to one million people. His charitable foundation found itself able to fund all proposed projects, making life worth living for most people around the world.

Give an iPad to each individual in the world and the world will be a better place.

“Would it bring world peace?”

Only if it is connected to the Internet.

“Then give Internet access to each individual in the world and the world will be a better place.”

A computer will still be needed, and world peace would have a better chance if the computer is easily portable and as haptic as sex.

“Most people cannot afford an iPad.”

Didn’t I say give?

“Give?”

Yes.

“Who is going to do the giving?”

The Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation.

“Even they cannot afford it.”

Are you sure about that?

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gates:

Please give an iPad to each individual in the world and the world will be a better place. It might even bring world peace. I hope to see any of it come true. You are doing a lot of good with the 100 billion dollars that appeared in your personal accounts. Please use each subsequent 100 billion dollars that appear in your personal accounts to purchase and distribute around 200 million iPads. Please make sure that the iPads include free Internet access. Can Apple produce billions of iPads? They will eventually. Steve Jobs would have been ecstatic to learn that everyone in the world owned an iPad. There will be no conceivable way to best Apple especially after more than seven billion iPads are sold to the Foundation.

Who I am is not important.

Thank you and good luck!

TJP

TJ (Tough Jew) Padida continued to remove fellows of the usual and unusual evil variety from the face of the Earth, to punish those chronically ignorant and immoral, to educate those unfairly ignorant and moral, and to reward those championing the welfare of others. Have you seen him? I read somewhere that he may have joined the Avengers.